Today’s Toons 9/15/14

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President Obama attended a NATO conference in Wales Thursday where he personally guaranteed continued U.S. commitment in the defense of our NATO allies. The NATO conference was held at Europe’s western-most edge. You figure he beat the Russians there by three weeks.

Al-Qaeda announced Friday it’s set up terror cells in India to overthrow Hindu rule. They are devious. Last week, al-Qaeda took over a call center in Kashmir that happens to handle calls for a suicide prevention hotline, and now the operators ask every caller if they can drive a truck.

Attorney General Eric Holder opened an investigation into the pattern of conduct by cops in Ferguson, Missouri. The situation isn’t calmed at all by the constant carping of race baiters. Al Sharpton accuses anyone who gets their teeth whitened of committing mouth gentrification.

President Obama made an unscheduled visit to Stonehenge in England Friday to see the mysterious ancient temple stone monuments. The ancient Druid priests are believed to have built Stonehenge four thousand years ago to attract aliens. Now everybody is saying it worked.

President Obama’s job approval rating dropped to thirty-eight percent in the Gallup Poll Thursday. They say it reflects concern over his inept handling of foreign crises. It didn’t help when President Obama was asked in England about ISIS and he said his favorite flavor is lemon.

President Obama got tougher Friday and said his strategy is to dismantle ISIS. The day before he’d vowed to make ISIS more manageable. The day before that he proposed a a six-game suspension for the first beheading and a season-long suspension for the second offense.

President Obama will reveal plans today to destroy ISIS in a military campaign which he promises won’t involve U.S. infantry. He said it may take three years. By that time, Jeb Bush could be president, giving a Bush the long overdue chance to blame the mess in Iraq on Obama.

Dick Cheney met with House Republicans at GOP National Headquarters in Washington Tuesday to discuss ways to deal with ISIS. He was a hit. He was interrupted sixteen times by applause and three times by people screaming for him to stop, that they’ll tell him everything.

The University of Chicago announced Thursday it will apply to be the host campus of the Barack Obama Presidential Library when built. The president served on the faculty of the Chicago Law School for twelve years. He taught the How to Avoid the Constitutional Law course.

The Wall Street Journal reports President Obama last month blocked a missile shipment to Israel at the height of the Gaza war. They’ve never been in sync. Back when Barack Obama was a community organizer in Chicago, he once hosted a Passover Seder at Der Weinerschnitzel.

President Obama paid a visit to prehistoric Stonehenge in England. Ancient druid priests set up giant rock pillars two-by-two and laid them out vertically in a circle. It took all of President Obama’s self control to keep from breaking out his putter and playing miniature golf.

President Obama unveiled his strategy to destroy ISIS Wednesday. He was fast losing his audience. In this era of elevator beatings, nude photos hacked from smartphones and online beheadings, you have to bomb the hell out of someone just to be fourth on the news every night.

President Obama vowed to degrade and defeat the ISIS movement Wednesday. How fast is it spreading? If President Obama doesn’t completely obliterate ISIS, his last mistake will be hearing an angry mob outside the White House gate and assuming it’s just Hispanic protesters.

President Obama denied he called ISIS the JV squad last year when he referred to ISIS as the JV squad. One day a kid is a ninth grader learning the fundamentals of terrorism on the JV squad and before you know it, he’s Johnny Nuclear Football. They blow up so fast nowadays.

President Obama vowed to arm Syrian rebels to fight ISIS Wednesday. He had a change of heart. Last month he dismissed the rebels as doctors, dentists and pharmacists, but he’s come to realize it’s cheaper to give them the half billion now than pay their bills through ObamaCare.

The White House was reported Friday exploring legal ways to revoke the U.S. travel visas of U.S. citizens who are fighting for ISIS in Iraq and Syria. It’s the best way to keep them from returning to the U.S. They are too arrogant to go to Mexico and wait their turn at the truck stop.

Homeland Security told the Senate Wednesday that ISIS was planning to infiltrate the U.S. through the U.S.-Mexico border. They hate the U.S., they hate Christianity and they hate Anglo-Americans. Dick Cheney just predicted that ISIS will be greeted in California as liberators.

— Argus Hamilton

The White House has decided not to send President Obama to campaign in battleground states because his low approval ratings could hurt Democrats. They’re only sending him where he can’t do any damage — or as that’s also known, “The Biden Circuit.”

On Friday President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge on his way back from the NATO summit in Wales. And even crazier — today he made a surprise visit to the White House.

— Jimmy Fallon

This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It’s an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter. /font>

— Seth Meyers

President Obama is getting tough with that Vladimir Putin. Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.

Earlier tonight President Obama spoke to Americans. Obama is getting tough with ISIS. He’s now going to force them to sell their NBA team.

They’re now selling parking places in New York. You can buy a premium parking place for $1 million. When President Obama heard that, he said, “Hey, wait a minute. I’ll give you $2 million if you will take the place I’m in.”

— Letterman

Over the weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge.

— Conan


Having blown himself up, an 18-year-old suicide bomber appeared before Allah.

He said, “Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I’m only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won’t know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?”

Allah regarded him for a moment and then replied, “Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you’re here to service them. Since they’re virgins, they’re quite sexually ravenous, and frankly, you’ll be on constant, exhausting duty.”

The bomber responded, “Well, I guess I can live with that… How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?”

And Allah replied, “Who said they were women?”

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