Today’s Toons 8/18/14

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

During his weekly address, President Obama said “I’ll never stop trying to work with both parties”. It’s a problem on Martha’s Vineyard when two parties are scheduled at the same time at opposite ends of the island.

In New York, a drunk woman crashed her Prius through the garage door of a fire station while wearing a stolen snake around her neck. Coincidentally, also the only thing covered by Obamacare Bronze.

A new report shows that Russian strategic nuclear bombers have penetrated US airspace 16 times in 10 days. I’m just surprised Obama didn’t grant the pilots citizenship.

Asked about Russian sanctions, President Obama said “we don’t know yet whether sanctions are working”. Yes, it must be hard to concentrate on analyzing data with Putin laughing so loud.

A new report shows that the things most likely to drive businesses from the US are high taxes and rigid regulatory enforcement. Easy enough to get them to come back – hold them to illegal immigrant standards.

A new report shows that the website is off by $619 billion in reporting government spending. Unbelievable! Someone was able to log on to a government website?

In DC, a toddler caused a White House security lockdown after he snuck away from his parents and squeezed through the White House fence. Obama immediately granted him citizenship.

Democrat Senator John Walsh dropped out of his Senate race after being dogged by allegations of plagiarism. The weirdest part was the concession speech where he said “you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore”.

A new study shows that workers are three times more likely to get fired in the private sector than in government. The downside: government workers are at much greater risk of hard drive failures.

A pioneering new treatment is being tested that would allow a simple injection to aid the recovery of hundreds of thousands of heart failure patients. Useful for people who’ve seen their new insurance premiums under Obamacare.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama’s address to the nation on Iraq was delayed by a security breach on the North Lawn of the White House Thursday. A toddler had crawled in through the fence. The Secret Service patted him down and found his diaper full of the government’s approval ratings.

President Obama ordered air strikes on ISIS to try to stop ISIS from controlling the Mosul Dam Friday. Democrats applauded the strike. They say President Bush attacked Iraq just for the oil to run our cars while President Obama’s attacking Iraq for the electricity to run our cars.

The Washington Post ran an article on Friday detailing how often President Obama has been late to scheduled press briefings. So far he has been late a total of thirty-five hours during this year alone. The president blamed it on the slow play of the foursomes ahead of him.

President Obama called for Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki to step down Monday. He ripped Maliki’s cabinet for not being inclusive. Every disaster movie must hire a cast that is one-fifth black and one-fifth Hispanic, and no government is above the Screen Actors Guild rules.

President Obama ordered air strikes on terrorists in Iraq Friday who were firing rockets into civilian neighborhoods. Just a week ago the president was denouncing Israel for doing the same thing. The Israelis haven’t laughed this hard since I Love Lucy got dubbed into Hebrew.

Hillary Clinton trashed President Obama’s foreign policy Sunday in an interview with the Atlantic. Hillary’s war-hawk criticism of Obama is long overdue. This is America, where every boy dreams of being president and where every blonde dreams of becoming a Fox News anchor.

The Washington Post ripped Barack Obama for going on vacation amid world crisis. He’s playing golf, dodging the border influx, and Monday he blamed Bush for the U.S. troop pullout in Iraq. Whatever happened to going on vacation to get away from your daily routine at home?

Brazil’s government on Wednesday started requiring women under twenty-five who are applying for a job in the Education Ministry to take a virginity test. This could affect the upcoming election. Bill Clinton just announced he has filed papers to run for president of Brazil.

President Obama dismissed Hillary Clinton’s criticism of his foreign policy with a vulgar term Tuesday and pointed to his record. He just hosted a White House dinner that included African dictators. He wanted some tips on how to lead a nation in poverty without a constitution.

The White House warned millions Tuesday they will lose their health insurance policies if they don’t verify their citizenship. Rumors are flying. It’s not true President Obama is about to open the U.S. border to everyone and then introduce a new health care plan called EbolaCare.

USA Today reports that Russian bombers and their fighter escorts have been flying very close to the West Coast of the United States in the past week. They would have no trouble at all penetrating U.S. airspace. The planes are camouflaged to look like Central American children.

— Argus Hamilton

President Obama went to the beach yesterday while he’s vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. Which got weird when he took out his metal detector to search for $16 trillion in quarters.

During a fundraiser last night, President Obama suggested that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. Which got awkward when Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my even colder, deader fingers.”

People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I’m not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.

— Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama’s foreign policy a failure. She either wants to be a president or a Fox News anchor. We’re not sure.

— Conan


The Most Dense Element Ever Found…


A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.

Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

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