Today’s Toons 8/4/14

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Nancy Pelosi said that the tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors illegally flooding across the US-Mexico border should be treated like “baby Jesus”. Who ended up returning to his parents’ home town.

IRS Deputy Associate Chief Counsel Thomas Kane said that the backup tapes that held two years of lost Lerner emails “may still exist”. Yes… most likely at a DC party supply store as part of a bag of confetti.

An undercover sting operation found that the majority of fake Obamacare applications submitted were approved by the health law’s enrollment system. That’s outrageous! Those rejected applications were merely “undocumented”.

A DoD spokesman said “the effects of the changing climate affect the full range of Department activities”. So… is he trying to say his air conditioner is broken?

In Florida, a man came home from vacation to find the locks on his home changed and a strange family living there. I can relate. I had the same feeling after Obamacare was ruled constitutional.

A Democrat Senator caught plagiarizing claimed it happened because he had PTSD 7 years ago. I don’t buy it. He wouldn’t have been able to get a diagnosis from the VA that fast.

During an interview on CNBC, President Obama said “it’s pretty hard to find an economic measure where we’re not significantly better off”. Says the man who hasn’t pumped his own gas in the last 5 years.

EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy told Congress that the EPA’s sweeping carbon-regulation plan “really is an investment opportunity”. Yes, lobbyists, be sure to buy your bureaucrats while they’re still for sale cheap.

— Fred Thompson

The New York Post said Bill Clinton is seeing a blonde lady on Long Island when Hillary is gone. Comedians are happy to see he’ll never change. Last night, Bill Clinton went into a bar in Chappaqua and asked the waitress for the usual, and so she brought him a restraining order.

President Obama’s motorcade route in L.A. Thursday prevented a pregnant woman from crossing the street to give birth. He stays at the Beverly Hilton and it screws up traffic for hours. Pregnant women in Los Angeles learn quickly that crossing the border was the easy part.

Joe Biden encouraged Ukrainians to vote in their upcoming parliamentary elections this coming month. He offered U.S. millions to help Ukraine as long as Ukrainian leaders tackle corruption. Let’s face it, if anything will stop corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.

President Obama stood on the South Lawn to greet the leaders of Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras Friday. They made it over the fence in six seconds. No one wants to say the situation is bad, but all three leaders came dressed up as children and asked for refugee status.

President Obama told Central American leaders he’s considering a plan to grant refugee status to illegal kids from their countries. The leaders thanked him and left. They’ve been inside the United States for four days and already the INS says they have no way of finding them.

Vladimir Putin offered to personally mediate the conflict between Israel and Gaza Friday to stop the war. Both parties should beware. Putin may try to introduce PutinCare as part of the peace settlement, and under PutinCare, if he likes your country he gets to keep your country.

President Obama’s approval rating fell to thirty-nine percent in a Gallup poll Friday. The reasons listed include the IRS scandal, illegal immigration, and foreign policy chaos. In news that Americans are actually following, sources report that Casey Kasem is dead, but improving.

John Kerry returned to Washington from brokering peace talks between the two sides in the war in Gaza. He’s really done a remarkable thing, he’s gotten the Israelis and Palestinians to reach an accord. They have agreed to stop shooting at each other and unite to shoot at Kerry.

President Obama slapped trade, energy and financial sanctions on Russia Tuesday after the E.U. agreed to levy the same sanctions . The Russians didn’t exactly fold on the news. Vladimir Putin immediately offered to arm-wrestle President Obama, the winner gets Ukraine.

President Obama returned to work in the Oval Office Sunday after a week in Washington state and California raising money for the Democrats. He’s now spoken at four hundred fundraisers since he became president. It’s absolutely amazing he can find the time to play golf.

Minnesota’s ex-governor Jesse Ventura won a libel suit against the widow of a Navy SEAL who wrote before he died he beat up Ventura in a bar. His legacy is secure. We owe a great debt to Jesse Ventura for taking American politics and raising it to the level of professional wrestling.

— Argus Hamilton

The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don’t really care about weed, it’s just the only way they can keep selling papers.

— Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into “buying papers.”

— Seth Meyers

A new study says that Republicans are more religious than Democrats. But I don’t think that includes President Obama praying every day for his term to end.

— Letterman


Another boat intercepted off the Texas coast!!!

The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the Texas coast today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boat was not heading to the USA, but towards Mexico and Central America.

Another surprise finding was the people were white American retirement age seniors. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Central America or Southern Mexico as they wanted to return to the US as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate American retirees.

It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.

We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us.


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

“Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”

The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.”

The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.”

The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with big three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here” — and PING — in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

“One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand.

“Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans” — and — PING — The man was instantly transformed – wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?”

The fairy said: “Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself.”

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