Today’s Toons 6/2/14

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new report shows that the building of the new DHS HQ is 11 years behind schedule and $1.5 billion over budget. Don’t worry, though. The government will get the time & money thing right when they’re running healthcare.

The White House has promised the United States will no longer use vaccination programs as cover for spy operations. Going forward, all covert op buildings must be clearly labeled “CAUTION: Contains spies”.

A San Francisco billionaire plans to spend $100 million to support “pro-climate action” candidates across the country. I say eliminate the middle man and just buy a bankrupt solar company with it.

The CIA’s top officer in Kabul was exposed by the White House when his name was inadvertently included on a list provided to news organizations. But don’t worry, Obamacare will protect your medical privacy.

The EPA is pushing new restrictions to reduce pollution from cooking-stoves. Seems like a waste of resources when there are still so many unregulated scented candles out there.

The Chinese government is reviewing whether domestic banks’ reliance on high-end servers from IBM compromises the nation’s financial security. Well, it can’t be riskier than sinking $1 trillion in US Treasury Bonds.

Michelle Obama said that GOP efforts to roll back her school lunch guidelines are “unacceptable.” …to borrow a student phrase describing her tofu-burgers.

— Fred Thompson

Godzilla reached two hundred million dollars at the movie box office Friday. In the film, Godzilla defends the earth against radiation-fed monsters who nearly destroy Honolulu and San Francisco. President Obama saves the day when he finally hears about it on the news.

The White House faced angry bipartisan pressure to fix the quality of medical care at VA hospitals Thursday. The quality of care varies by region, by state and city. For example, at the Veterans Hospital in Los Angeles if your x-rays show a broken rib, they fix it with Photoshop.

President Obama said he did not know about the VA scandal Monday just as he’d earlier said he didn’t know about the IRS, Benghazi and AP spying scandals. The man is brilliant. Americans are increasingly convinced there is no limit to what President Obama doesn’t know.

President Obama promoted tourism while at the Baseball Hall of Fame at Cooperstown Thursday. He really enjoyed himself . When he heard there’s a museum that immortalizes someone for being successful thirty percent of the time, he raced there to fill out an application.

Michelle Obama told graduating high school seniors to monitor their grandparents for racial comments Thursday. It backfired. At graduation dinner the grandparents told their grandchildren to monitor Michelle Obama when they need a down payment for their first home.

President Obama flies to France next week to participate in the seventieth anniversary of the D-Day ceremonies on the Normandy beaches. It’s solemn. Bill Clinton was in Normandy for the fiftieth anniversary of D-Day but of course he thought D-day was Dolly Parton’s birthday.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi blamed the VA hospital scandal on George W. Bush Thursday for sending the U.S. into Iraq and Afghanistan. It looked confusing. You could see the anger in her eyes, but unfortunately surprise is the only emotion she can register with her face.

Nancy Pelosi put five Democrats on the House committee looking into the Benghazi attack. They want to know where Obama and Hillary were that night during the consulate attack. They already asked Joe Biden where he was between nine and twelve, and he replied the third grade.

President Obama said he didn’t know anything about the VA hospital scandal till he read it in the news. It’s true. He was too busy not knowing anything about the IRS scandal, the Benghazi scandal, and the AP spying scandal to not know anything about the Benghazi scandal.

Bill Clinton disclosed Monday that the head injury Hillary suffered eighteen months ago took six months to heal. She had a concussion and was put on painkillers. Hillary grew up a Chicago Bears fan wanting to be just like Dick Butkus and it looks like she finally got her wish.

Provocateur James O’Keefe posed as an Arab oil rep and taped Hollywood stars agreeing to take Arab oil money to make an anti-fracking film. He secretly filmed them meeting at the Beverly Hills Hotel. This clearly violates the gay boycott of the hotel and could end their careers.

Mexico’s government urged Congress Thursday to add its ban on NSA domestic spying to include a ban on NSA monitoring phones calls in Mexico. Imagine their exasperation. It’s not enough that the NSA spies on Americans, they feel they have to spy on future Americans, too.

Kate Middleton’s bottom was photographed when her skirt blew up a year after tabloids caught a photo of her bare breasts. She’s at wit’s end. Kate’s thinking of having the image of Mohammed tattooed over her private parts to stop the press from printing pictures of them.

The White House released the CIA station chief’s name on Obama’s flight to Afghanistan Saturday. A reporter saw it and tipped off the president. It was the first time the president could say that he learned of a White House scandal from the press with any zeal and credibility.

President Obama spelled out his foreign policy in a speech to the graduating West Point cadets on Wednesday. He began by saying that under the Constitution his power is wisely limited. It’s always a good idea to start your speech with a funny joke to get the crowd on your side.

— Argus Hamilton


Reliable investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in the City of Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a U.S. citizen.

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 9.


An old, blind Marine Gunnery Sergeant wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear an Obungler joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Marine, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is an Obama voter with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is an Obama voter with a ‘Billy-Club’.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound Obama voter with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is an Obama voter and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is an Obama voter and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Marine. Do you still wanna tell that Obama joke?’

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

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