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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A California insurance provider erroneously listed 1000 doctors on the state health care exchange. Don’t worry. I’m sure all these Obamacare glitches will stop before your surgery.
The already-broke Illinois legislature wants to spend $100 million to build Obama’s presidential library. I honestly can’t think of anything more symbolically perfect.
Scientists have used electrical pulses delivered from a cochlear implant to successfully regrowing auditory nerves and allow a person to hear. Sadly, STILL not enough to get the folks on Capitol Hill to listen to the American people.
Democrat Senator Jeanne Shaheen told a constituent complaining about her tripled insurance premium that “there’s a lot of misinformation” about the Affordable Care Act. True. For example, the first word in the title.
Some critics are complaining that Hillary Clinton would be “too old” to run for President in 2016. Yes, and she just keeps getting older. Unlike some people who were at the Benghazi consulate.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama took three jets to Japan on Earth Day to speak about income inequality over $300 sushi. He’s launching his Asia-first policy as Russia invades Europe. How many presidents would go to this length to celebrate Peter Sellers Week on Turner Classic Movies.
Joe Biden addressed the country of Ukraine in a pep talk Tuesday. He told Ukrainians to stand firm, that they won’t walk alone, and he urged them to walk knowing we are walking with them. This is usually the point in Joe’s act when he notices that everyone is in a wheelchair.
The Washington Post slammed President Obama for delaying the Keystone Pipeline until after the mid-terms. It’s been ready to go for years. If the Boston Marathon could be won by dragging your feet, President Obama would be more evidence that Kenyans win all these things.
President Obama was at a robot factory in Japan Friday and saw a humanoid robot. The robot obeys every command. Not to be outdone, President Obama conducted an impromptu press conference for Washington D.C. reporters and the robot engineers walked away impressed.
John Kerry warned Israel if it doesn’t adopt a two-state solution it will become an apartheid state like old South Africa. Apartheid is an ugly old system of racial segregation. Donald Sterling heard what Kerry said and he immediately made plans to move the Clippers to Tel Aviv.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans for the city to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School that opens in three years. The school is already plagued with problems. People are trying to enroll their kids in the school, but the website’s not working.
Hillary Clinton said Saturday older women can still make a difference in politics. She said she doesn’t know if she’ll run for president. With three hundred million Americans, what are the odds she’s the only one in the country who doesn’t know she’s running for president in 2016.
The University of California at Riverside was named the top college in the country by the Obama Administration with UC San Diego second. The honor is based on two criteria. It’s given to the school that’s deepest in debt and has the best year-round weather for the golf team.
GOP Congressman Mario Diaz-Ballart said Congress was close to a deal on immigration reform. Democrats want illegals legalized and the GOP wants a sealed border. Anything is bound to work better than the administration’s current border control policy, the honor system.
The City of Chicago is building a new high school named after Barack Obama. They are not wasting any time. The school isn’t even open yet and already the student government is ten million dollars in debt and the golf team is exhausted from playing thirty-six holes a day.
— Argus Hamilton
The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn’t that good, but the golf team is amazing.
Hillary Clinton made news this week, when she said that older women can still make a difference in politics. Even her supporters said, “Oh my God, just say you’re running already!”
Donald Sterling’s girlfriend said she’s “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.
— Jimmy Fallon
In the middle of his second term, President Obama’s approval rating once again has dropped. Obama’s approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, “I’ll take it from here.”
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Dimocrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Dimocrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
“On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he too began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Dimocrat, just smiling. The Dimocrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m on disability.”
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation Is necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation Is Possible.
This is the story of a female uninformed voter flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and becomes unconscious and dies.
She, frantic, grabs the mic and calls out on the radio, “Help me! Help me! My pilot has had a heart attack and has died. And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I’m an experienced controller trained to handle this kind of situation. Now, just relax and take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Just give me your height and position.”
She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I support Obama.”
“O.K.”, says the voice on the radio, “Repeat after me: Our Father…Who art in Heaven…”