This Thread Brought To You By The Letters A & P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A CBO report shows that Obamacare will cost less than originally thought because health care providers are cutting back on services. Lovely. Like saving money on rent by burning down your apartment.
George Will said of Obama, “this is foreign policy from Monty Python”. That’s why, as disasters accumulate, Obama keeps saying “it’s just a flesh wound”.
President Obama warned Russia that if it doesn’t pull its troops back from Ukraine, “there are going to be consequences”. Unbelievable. He keeps sounding like a befuddled parent who doesn’t want to count past 2-and-a-half.
A new UN report says we only have “15 years” to do something about global warming. Oh. Is that when all the government grant money for phony research runs out?
In a speech delivered at Harvard, White House Homeland Security and Counterterrorism Adviser Lisa Monaco said it could help prevent terrorism if parents watched for “sudden personality changes in their children.” Yes, like if they start thinking appeasement’s a good idea.
President Obama said that “political spite” was what motivated states that refuse to expand Medicaid under Obamacare. Absolutely. That and a childish urge to avoid bankruptcy.
US military-trained dolphins will participate in upcoming NATO military exercises in the Black Sea. I assume that, as usual, Putin will be providing the hoops for us to jump through.
— Fred Thompson
Rush Limbaugh had ear surgery in Los Angeles Thursday, three years after undergoing heart surgery. The media was nice to him for a day. Fox News sent a bouquet of flowers to his hospital room and MSNBC sent him a double chili-cheeseburger plus an order of steak fries.
The New York City Council passed a workers’ rights measure which protects office interns from working for free and protects them from sexual harassment in the workplace. Mayor deBlasio signed the measure into law on Tuesday. And no, the bill is not called the Lewinsky Act.
N.Y. Times columnist Paul Krugman agreed to be paid two hundred fifty grand a year by City College of New York to teach a class on income inequality in America. Nice gig, They’re also asking the mayor of Toronto to conduct a session on self-control, and paying him in cocaine.
North Korea disclosed plans Monday to proceed with its fourth nuclear bomb detonation test in North Korea soon. It’s worrisome. North Korea has ICBM missiles that could reach the West Coast, but they’d never attack Los Angeles because that would risk a war with Mexico.
President Obama went on TV Thursday and told Americans the debate about Obamacare is over. He declared Obamacare is a resounding success and it’s time to move on. Whenever Holy Week arrives, it’s a national tradition for Americans to watch The Greatest Story Ever Told.
Chelsea Clinton announced Friday she’s expecting a baby at the end of the year. Finally, some pregnancy news that doesn’t scare her father half to death. This may be the first time in forty years that Bill didn’t have to look Hillary in the eyes and swear that he didn’t do it.
President Obama’s tax return says his income fell a hundred fifty thousand dollars last year. He made three hundred grand less than the year before that. While other politicians just talk about economic decline under this administration, President Obama leads by example.
IRS supervisor Lois Lerner’s emails revealed Friday that she coordinated audits on conservative groups with the Justice Department. Tea Party groups were audited just for opposing the president. That’s what they get for being a bunch of nuts who don’t trust the U.S. government.
Chelsea Clinton made her parents very happy Friday by announcing that she’s expecting a baby this fall. The birth will cause warm family moments. You can just see Grandpa Bill making cute faces through the glass at the hospital nursery, and that’s just at the nursing staff.
The Supreme Court ruled Monday that voters can eliminate affirmative action programs. For years, blacks, women and Hispanics had an edge. However the tide recently turned in favor of white males when they figured out that at any given moment they can discover they are gay.
China News Agency reports a man who collected five thousand bras while giving lectures at colleges across China opened a museum of his bra collection in Beijing. At least it’s in the capital. In America you have to go to the Bill Clinton Presidential Library for an exhibit like this.
Chelsea Clinton thrilled Bill and Hillary Clinton with the news on Friday that she and her husband are expecting a baby this fall. The family couldn’t be any happier. No one knows if it’s going to be a boy or a girl, but it’s already leading the polls in the 2056 presidential race.
The Christian Science Monitor predicted when Hillary Clinton becomes a grandmother she may not run for president to stay near Chelsea. Las Vegas oddsmakers are making book on where the baby will be raised. You can still get in on Arkansas at ten thousand-to-one.
Joe Biden made every effort to raise his profile during his visit to Ukraine Tuesday. There has been a lot of speculation, but now it’s becoming clear that he will run for president. In an effort to appear more presidential today, Joe Biden launched a website that doesn’t work.
— Argus Hamilton
Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it’s bribing someone to stop corruption.
While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It’s like the White House version of “Freaky Friday.”
— Jimmy Fallon
Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.
The Christian Science Monitor is claiming “Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.” And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the beach.
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular . . . at first.
— Seth Meyers
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!”
“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry.
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”
“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”