Today’s Toons 4/14/14

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new report shows that the Obama administration released 68,000 convicted criminal aliens last year. Still being kept under wraps for the sake of public safety – Tea Party 501(c)(3) applications.

According to a new report, China has plans to cover the world with surveillance satellites. Which will finally give them the ability to monitor their entire array of US Treasury Bond storage facilities.

An Illinois judge is asking to return to the bench even though she was ruled legally insane. I just can’t see that happening. Unless a spot opens up in the 9th Circuit.

ABC’s Rachel Ray flattered Joe Biden during an interview, saying he had “the most glowing, perfect skin of any person I’ve ever seen”. Which would be terrific, if he were the Vice President of Mary Kay.

A new reality show will strand eight people in the wilderness for 42 days with only the clothes on their backs. I’ve got a name for the show – “Preparing for the Future”.

In a recent review, North Carolina’s Board of Elections discovered over 35,000 cases of “double voting” in the 2012 election. Or, as they call it in Chicago, “a slow Tuesday”.

Blue Cross Blue Shield says that about 20% of Obamacare enrollees aren’t paying their premiums. And now, under Obamacare, the other 80% are paying someone else’s.

A new report shows that the government has spent nearly $700 million just trying to get people to sign up for Obamacare. That’s just crazy. They could’ve gotten a perfectly good bankrupt solar company for that.

A criminal psychologist has developed a list of 20 signs for spotting a psychopath. Surprisingly, “believing that Obamacare will provide universal coverage while lowering costs” isn’t on the list.

A new report shows the government’s National Technical Information Service is charging for reports freely available on the internet. On the bright side, they’re not taxing you for not buying them. Yet.

— Fred Thompson

Obamacare registration was hampered Monday when a glitch directed applicants to the Porn Hub website. It’s nothing like the Obamacare website at all. The difference is, if you scroll down the titles on Porn Hub you’re sure to find a doctor or a nurse who can help you right away.

Vladimir Putin refused to pull back Russia’s military force massed on the Ukraine border Thursday. In fact he ordered Russian troops to perform war games on Finland’s border. President Obama, in a show of force against Putin, placed Duke back into the NCAA tournament.

Blue Cross and Blue Shield revealed Friday that twenty percent of Obamacare enrollees haven’t paid their first premium. The exact figure is elusive in the chaos. Unfortunately the government cannot give us the exact number because it’s listed on the Obamacare website.

Bill Clinton was on Jimmy Kimmel’s show Wednesday where he discussed the possibility of the earth being visited by space aliens. His enthusiasm was real. There has to be some form of life out there that won’t go running to the tabloids every time you want to have a little fun.

Dave Letterman announced he will retire from his CBS talk show next year. He’s enjoyed a million laughs and a workplace sex scandal. No one wants to say Dave had a lot of affairs with staffers but he’s agreed to donate the couch in his office to the Clinton Presidential Library.

President Obama held a meeting with Tunisia’s prime minister Mehdi Jomaa in the White House Friday. It was the first meeting. Whenever President Obama meets a foreign leader for the very first time it must be fun for him to put a face with the voice he hears in the wiretaps.

Mozilla CEO Brendan Eich was forced out by gays who learned he backed a bill banning gay marriage six years ago, prompting Bill Maher to say he’d been clipped by the gay mafia. It really exists. Paramount is shooting a movie about the gay mafia called the Fairy Godfather.

Pope Francis infuriated Democrats Tuesday declaring that marriage is a union between a man and a woman. It surprised many. The pope issued the ruling a week after he met with President Obama at the Vatican and apparently Obama wasn’t able to teach him anything.

John Kerry warned Tuesday that Vladimir Putin might decide to invade Eastern Ukraine soon. It’s escalating quickly. President Obama just threatened that if Russia sends troops into Ukraine, he will enroll Vladimir Putin in Obamacare and allow the next head cold to kill him.

President Obama’s low job approval ratings gave House Democrats courage to oppose him on a plan to reduce Medicare coverage. His personal favorability ratings are also at their lowest. Last night, President Obama got into a fight with Bo and Michelle said the dog was right.

The White House warned Russia of consequences Tuesday if they invade eastern Ukraine as threatened. There are ways to cripple Russia’s economy. The best idea is to declare Russia a small business and force it to comply with Obamacare, and in six months it will be a thrift shop.

President Obama discussed with reporters his trip to Japan, South Korea, Malaysia and the Philippines in two weeks Tuesday. His staff had to plan the trip with a protractor. Air Force One could be subject to international re-possession laws if it’s parked too close to China.

Jeb Bush in a Fox News interview Friday called illegal immigration into the United States by Mexico’s people an act of love. A remark like that could cause a war. Mexicans have been called a lot things over the years but they’ve never been accused of having a fence fetish till now.

— Argus Hamilton

President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, “I won’t rest until all you guys can get married.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.

A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, “I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early.”

— Seth Meyers

Last night was the big premiere of “Game of Thrones.” So many people watched it that HBO’s website crashed. And as a result the website’s been renamed HBO-bamacare.

The Washington Post says Americans spend five hours online every day. And that’s just signing up for Obamacare.

— Craig Ferguson

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