Today’s Toons 4/7/14

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Astronomers have discovered an earth-sized planet around a distant star which may contain liquid water. Must be the real deal. President Obama has already banned offshore drilling there.

Vice President Joe Biden said that President Obama should be “nominated for sainthood” for his patience during the botched rollout of Obamacare. Ironically, a program that forces people who believe in saints to pay for other people’s contraception.

Harry Reid defended the delay in the Obamacare deadline, saying “people are not educated on how to use the internet”. That’s very true. At least in the case of the people who designed

Ukrainian military dolphins, which have been trained to plant bombs and kill frogmen, will be transferred to Russia. Note to Hillary: none of them knows how to push a “reset” button.

A new report shows that America’s current economic growth is only half of what President Obama promised that his policies would deliver. But I guess he breaks even, since gas is still twice what it was when he took office.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama gave a speech to G-7 leaders and European heads of state Wednesday and urged them to stand for inclusion, immigration and to fight income inequality. He was not interrupted once with applause. If fact halfway through the speech they voted to join Russia.

President Obama arrived in Rome Thursday where he held a joint press conference with Italy’s prime minister before driving across town to met with Pope Francis. The president could hardly contain his joy when he walked into the Vatican. He thought the sign said Vacation.

President Obama in a speech Wednesday urged Russia to respect the rights of gays and minorities and immigrants. He leads by example. As long as Barack Obama sits in the Oval Office, every American regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation will be spied on equally.

President Obama did not raise human rights with the king in Saudi Arabia Friday. The in-room movies at Saudi hotels illustrate the problem. Thelma and Louise is only eight minutes long in Saudi Arabia because they edit out all the scenes where the women are driving.

President Obama said he and Pope Francis discussed income inequality in their meeting Thursday. However, the pope said they argued over religious liberty. The question is, whom do you believe–the man recognized by his flock as the Vicar of Christ and infallible, or the pope?

The White House said six million people have enrolled in Obamacare but they won’t say how many haven’t paid or how many lost their insurance due to Obamacare. No plan is perfect. They say that laughter is the best medicine but try telling that to someone with a broken rib.

A Washington D.C. judge gave the guy who fired eight shots at the White House three years ago twenty-five years in prison. His lawyer had asked for ten years. The argument was, the shooting occurred miles from the nearest golf course, so the president was never in any danger.

Joe Biden went on Rachael Ray on the day of the Obamacare deadline Monday to tell viewers they must enroll by midnight. Or what? The Obamacare deadline feels like your parents counting to three, after you’ve already figured out that nothing happens when they get to three.

The White House shut down the Obamacare website Monday as the enrollment deadline arrived. It screwed up at the worst possible time. At the last minute forty thousand people went on the website to enroll in Obamacare and wound up watching porn for forty-five minutes.

Michelle Obama returned home from a one-week trip to China Monday. That’s somewhat of a relief. When it was first announced that President Obama’s wife and two daughters and mother-in-law were going to China, all you could think was, my God how much do we owe them?

Cal Tech astronomers announced they have discovered a new planet in our solar system located far beyond Pluto and named it after Joe Biden. What an honor. It’s probably to keep people from always asking astronomers if there’s any form of intelligent life on the planet.

The White House said they made it to seven million Obamacare enrollees Tuesday. They won’t say how many haven’t paid, how many had to switch plans or how many were put into Medicaid. We won’t know the exact numbers until the IRS finishes sending out the audit notices.

President Obama spoke to cheering college students in Ann Arbor Wednesday about the importance of raising the minimum wage. It was a lovefest. College students identify most with President Obama because most of them are also in their sixth year and hopelessly in debt.

The China Post reported rich Chinese are paying three thousand dollars a month to have women give them breast milk as a health drink. You just call them up, they come over and they take off their top. Leave it to the Chinese to teach Democrats how to sell health care reform.

The U.S. Supreme Court voted Wednesday to eliminate the limits on campaign donations to multiple candidates and political groups. Reaction was swift. MSNBC called for revolution, Fox News reported the stock market surge, and at CNN they threw paper airplanes around the studio to re-create the flight pattern of the Malaysian airliner, followed by expert commentary.

— Argus Hamilton

The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don’t do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.

If you still haven’t enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the “individual shared responsibility payment,” which is 1 percent of your salary. Then Americans said, “Good thing I don’t have a job.”

The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is “here to stay.” He added, “because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.”

— Jimmy Fallon

The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, “Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.”

— Seth Meyers

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