Today’s Toons 3/31/14

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A new report shows that the National Security Agency has built a surveillance system capable of recording “100 percent” of a foreign country’s telephone calls. Unless, apparently, they contain the word “Benghazi”.

A new report shows that the administration has spent $52 million since January on Obamacare ads. Huh. I had no idea that hot chocolate and plaid onesies were so expensive.

In Washington, DC, a woman was arrested after trying to visit her jailed husband while naked and drunk. Huh. Not often you see such a confluence of bad decisions in DC without Harry Reid’s stamp of approval.

Still glitchy – suffered a 30-minute outage that was blamed on “human error.” Yes, the error of electing the humans that passed Obamacare.

A far-reaching fake IRS Agent phone scam has bilked thousands of taxpayers out of more than $1 million. Although Tea Partiers said it was still the best IRS experience they’ve ever had.

At a town hall meeting, President Obama said the uninsured “just haven’t prioritized health care.” Good thing Obama’s stepped in and enforced the Constitution’s “prioritizing things for you” clause.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama appeared live on ESPN Wednesday to perform his annual chore filling out his NCAA basketball tournament bracket card. The president admitted to viewers that his selections conform to prevailing conventional wisdom. He’s picking team Russia to win it all.

The U.S. and British governments announced joint military exercises with Ukraine’s army to face down the Russians. So now Americans face two unexplainable mysteries. Where is the missing Malaysian airliner and who put the bust of Winston Churchill back in the Oval Office?

The London Film Museum opened a Bond in Motion exhibit Friday, displaying all the cars that James Bond drove in his movies. The next movie is undergoing a production delay. James Bond has been on hold for a year now, which will teach him to call the Obamacare hotline.

AP reporters and photographers attacked the White House for limiting press access to President Obama. The president prefers to go through social media to make news. It softens the blow if your announcement about doing nothing about Russia is accompanied by a cat video.

Bernie Madoff gave a jailhouse interview Friday in which he regretted his Ponzi scheme that bilked investors for twenty years. It doesn’t seem fair. Bernie Madoff is in prison for swindling Americans out of sixty-five billion dollars, and yet members of Congress remain free.

President Obama announced his bracket picks for the NCAA tourney on Wednesday. The president posted his picks on the White House website and you know what happened next. The next morning twelve thousand young people seeking health care enrolled in Michigan State.

Bill Clinton ripped a White House plan to turn over U.S. control of the Internet to a foreign consortium. It’s historic. It’s the first time Republicans have agreed with Bill Clinton since he passed NAFTA and it’s the first time Bill Clinton has ever rejected an international body.

President Obama flies to Rome to meet with Pope Francis in the Vatican today where he certainly hopes to receive some spiritual refreshment from meeting the popular pontiff. The president is still in a state of shock over the loss of the Crimea. It ruined his perfect bracket.

The Group of Seven voted to suspend Russia and cancel the group’s next meeting in Sochi to punish Vladimir Putin for seizing the Crimea, It doesn’t sound thought-out. How does it teach Vladimir Putin a lesson if every time he invades another country he gets to skip a meeting?

Jimmy Carter said he’s sad Obama doesn’t seek his advice on Russia. There’s a regional wariness. After Crimea successfully seceded just by voting for it, President Obama couldn’t even leave for Europe until he’d put every state from Oklahoma to Georgia on the honor system.

The Census Bureau reported that the birth rate in the United States last year plummeted for the fifth straight year at a near record-low. Blame it on two-way ultrasounds. The pregnancy rate’s the same but babies see the size of the national debt and they won’t come out.

— Argus Hamilton

Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It’s expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say “Yes, I am 18.”

— Seth Meyers

When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps.

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here’s what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that’s like being told you can’t go to the Daytime Emmys.

President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He’s filling in for Dennis Rodman.

— Letterman

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