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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Scientists say they may have discovered a technique to accurately predict a human being’s lifespan. Let me guess – get appointed to an Obamacare panel?
The government of Cuba announced that it will no longer process visas for US travel to Cuba. A liberal celebrity dream come true: the chance to be deported as an illegal immigrant.
President Obama warned the leadership in the Ukraine that “there will be consequences if someone steps over the line.” The most likely consequence? Obama denying he ever mentioned a line.
Scientists have determined that a 4.4 billion year-old rock found in Australia is the oldest known thing on our planet. Democrat schemes to make the rich “pay their fair share” now fall to second.
— Fred Thompson
N.J. Governor Chris Christie had his first town hall meeting in New Jersey since Bridgegate broke open Thursday. He spent some time discussing his weight loss. The hottest new way to lose weight quickly is to go on the Obama Diet—every day you let Vladimir Putin eat your lunch.
President Obama warned Ukraine Thursday there will be consequences if democracy is not restored in the nation. Our options are limited. The White House would send its envoy extraordinaire to Kiev to deal with the crisis, but Dennis Rodman can’t be in two places at once.
Ukrainian democracy protestors were fired on by government troops backed by Russia Thursday. The people are looking to the West for hope. The next morning President Obama told the Ukranians if they like their liberty they get to keep their liberty, so they’re on their own.
The White House announced a new Obamacare mandate requiring businesses to swear when they fire someone it’s not because of Obamacare. Government force has nothing to do with it. And Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean because he really likes scuba diving.
The San Francisco Chronicle reports a thirteen-year-old Girl Scout set up a table outside a pot store in San Francisco to sell Girl Scout cookies Thursday. She was gone in three days. On Monday she bought a mansion on Nob Hill and said she plans to spend her retirement funding the arts.
Joe Biden talked Ukraine’s president Viktor Yanukovych into stepping down from power over the phone Saturday. No one knows how he did it. Last fall, Joe Biden flew to Iowa to campaign but he missed the political dinner because he spent six hours trapped in a corn maze.
President Obama proposed drastic cuts in the U.S. military budget Monday the same day the Russians called home their ambassador to Kiev and threatened to send troops into the Ukraine. His timing was perfectly awful. Even Jimmy Carter is comparing him to Jimmy Carter.
Piers Morgan pulled the plug on his nightly CNN talk show due to low viewer ratings. No one bought his excuse that his low ratings were because of his British blood. There are five million Americans in the NRA whose blood is as British as his, so it must be something else.
Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer weighed vetoing the bill that allows businesses to refuse service to gays after the NFL threatened to take the Super Bowl away. What a stand. The NFL strongly believes that racist and homophobic attitudes have no place in America outside the locker room.
President Obama addressed HHS volunteers in Washington Tuesday and told them they were doing God’s work by signing up young people for Obamacare. It’s just like clockwork. During the second term in office, every president starts referring to himself in the third person.
The Congressional Budget Office reported that Obamacare will cost small businesses far more than originally projected. The lowest prices don’t give you much time for your medical examinations. If you ask for a second opinion, the doctor goes out the door and comes in again.
— Argus Hamilton
CNN is canceling Piers Morgan’s talk show. Yes, it’s been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out.
— Craig Ferguson
This week President Obama told his supporters that they are doing God’s work by helping to promote Obamacare. God said, “Whoa, there. Look, I’m flattered. But Obamacare, that’s all you, man. Don’t involve me in that mess.”
— Jimmy Fallon