This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
The US Air Force has secretly developed a new long-range stealth drone that could be operational by 2015. Good. Now we’ll be able to get Obama selfies from anywhere on the planet.
Fisher-Price has a new product called the Apptivity Seat, a child’s seat for newborns on up to toddlers that comes with an iPad mount. Perfect. If they start now, they can sign up for Obamacare by the time they’re 26.
— Fred Thompson
The White House admitted the Obamacare website may fall prey to hackers. Pop-up ads hacked onto the site are plaguing applicants. The new Surgeon General nominee advised enrollees if a pop-up lasts longer than four hours, consult a physician immediately.
The Washington Post divulged Ed Snowden’s leaks that the NSA monitors every call made in America. The spy agency uses the law of subtraction. Any call made in the U.S. that isn’t phone sex or a pizza order, nine times out of ten it’s al-Qaeda planning something.
A Harvard poll Tuesday said only a fifth of young adults are planning to enroll in Obamacare. That’s fixable. All the president has to do is offer to cover medical marijuana and young adults will enroll in Obamacare just in time for next year’s glaucoma pandemic.
The White House admitted President Obama lived with his illegal immigrant uncle Onyango thirty years ago when he went to law school at Harvard. It was personal information until now. President Obama had to enroll in Obamacare so the hackers were going to find out anyway.
Joe Biden flew to South Korea for security discussions Friday where the government asked Biden to give a TV speech to the South Korean people. The effect was galvanizing. It is the first time in history that South Koreans were caught trying to sneak into North Korea.
Obamacare architect Ezekiel Emanuel said Sunday you can keep your doctor if you can afford him. Everyone’s confused. Last night a movie customer keeled over into the aisle and the projectionist halted the film and asked if there was a bureaucrat in the house.
President Obama flew to South Africa Monday for Nelson Mandela’s funeral. They’re glad to see him. Barack Obama always refers to Nelson Mandela by his tribal name, Madibah, and South Africans refer to Barack Obama by his rap star name, Biggie Premiums.
Congress may defy President Obama and pass a bipartisan bill to sanction Iran after six months. House Democrats are terrified to defy Obama. Anyone who does not vote with the president can expect him to come to their states and campaign for them next year.
The Weather Channel reported record cold temperatures for the month of December Monday. Millions of homeowners have lost power. The freezing victims assumed that the U.S. government has taken over electricity and that OPowerCare was the law of the land.
The Treasury sold its GM stock for forty billion dollars, closing the books on the fifty billion dollar bailout four years ago. What a ride. The Treasury wound up losing ten billion dollars, making the GM deal by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.
President Obama created a frenzy at the Mandela service Tuesday by shaking hands with Raoul Castro. Cuba is loosening its grip on citizens and allowing more free press, more business and more private property rights. We’re like two ships passing in the night.
President Obama eulogized Nelson Mandela at his funeral Tuesday. He spoke about Mandela’s influence on his life, his goals, his dreams and his career. Six times during his speech Obama held his hand out and smiled, and then he put his iPhone back in his pocket.
— Argus Hamilton
This winter storm has left thousands without electricity. It’s as if President Obama had taken over the power companies.
Kanye West said he wants to be the “Obama of clothing.” To achieve his goal, he’s designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn’t work.
So let me get this straight. The NSA is listening to our phone calls, but no one is checking up on the violent schizophrenic who is 18 inches from the president of the United States.
Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia.
President Obama released a video this week to encourage kids to learn how to write computer code. Then he said, “Preferably, in the next two or three weeks. It would REALLY help me out of a jam.”
Obamacare is still struggling to catch on with most people. And so now the White House has started asking celebrities to endorse Obamacare. Because if anyone knows how to put a new face on something, it’s Hollywood.
— Jimmy Fallon
Some are saying that while at Nelson Mandela’s memorial, President Obama flirted with the female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. If President Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home?
President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, “Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba.”