Today’s Toons 12/9/13

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The Energy Department says it will lose $139 million on a loan to struggling electric car maker Fisker Automotive Inc. On the bright side, they seem to have perfected the electric money-shredder.

During a hearing on Tea Party targeting, IRS chief counsel William Wilkins said “I don’t recall” 80 times. Bet that phrase doesn’t play quite as well during IRS audits.

— Fred Thompson

Iran greeted its nuclear negotiator like a hero when he flew home from Geneva last weekend. It’s chilling. It’s not clear what we got out of the deal, but Obama bounded off his plane at L.A. Tuesday waving a deed to the Brooklyn Bridge dated six month from now.

President Obama hit a new low in job approval ratings Tuesday. The economy is not helping him at all. President Obama’s big applause line used to be that health care should be universal in a country that’s as rich as America, then a year ago it started getting laughs.

U.N. observers said an al-Qaeda fighter in Syria accidentally beheaded a fellow rebel whom he misidentified. The victim’s platoon is just furious. President Obama had assured the rebels when they signed up that if they like their head they can keep their head, period.

President Obama hosted the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardoning Wednesday. He was assisted by his kids. After some joking he gave the sign of the cross and pardoned three turkeys, one named Popcorn, one named Caramel and one named Health Care.Gov

The White House issued talking points telling people how to argue for the Affordable Care Act with Republicans at their Thanksgiving table. It never stops. People are starting to believe that the bin Laden raid was just a bungled attempt to sign him up for Obamacare.

President Obama was funny hosting the annual pardoning ceremony for two turkeys Wednesday. Word sure gets around. When the president told the turkeys if they like their heads they can keep their heads, they took off and flew for the first time in their lives.

Michelle Obama urged Democrats to pitch Obamacare over Thanksgiving dinner and gave them fourteen talking points. Democrats approach health care the same way the Amish go hunting. They sneak up on a deer in the glen and then they build a barn around it.

President Obama defended his health care plans in San Francisco Tuesday. Even the left doesn’t like them. Obamacare requires insurers to cover the cost of sex change operations and many people in San Francisco are angry because they only get two choices.

President Obama hit an all-time low in job approval ratings on Friday. It’s probably jealousy. After five years in office, he owns General Motors, Chrysler, six banks and the health insurance industry, which is why nobody in his family will play Monopoly with him.

Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced Wednesday he’s starting a law firm, Edwards-Kirby, which he says will represent the disenfranchised. Five years ago Edwards was removed as a prime-time speaker at the Democratic Convention because of his adulterous affair and he was replaced with Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down.

Auburn upset Alabama on the final play of the game Saturday when a kid ran a failed field goal attempt back for the winning touchdown. The kid got a call from the White House after the game. The Obamacare website designer wanted to know if he had any ideas.

The White House boasted Monday the Obamacare website can handle fifty thousand users an hour. That’s one-tenth what Porn Hub does. The difference is, if you scroll down the list of porn hub titles, you can always find a nurse or a doctor who’s willing to help you.

The White House asked everyone not to log on the Obamacare website during peak morning or evening hours. That leaves work hours. Look, the expensive health care plans are one thing, but asking Americans to give up their video poker time could cost Democrats the Senate.

President Obama was modest about his presidential good deeds in an ABC interview Friday. The truth is, he’s improved race relations. After five years, rednecks don’t like Barack Obama being president because of his policies, and that’s genuine social progress.

The State Department admitted it spent half a million dollars last year on liquor. There’s an explanation. The Secretary of State was married to Bill Clinton and her assistant was married to Anthony Weiner so the liquor expense was written off under humanitarian aid.

President Obama claimed progress in the War on Terror in his presidency during an ABC interview Friday. That’s true. For eight years, George W. Bush said terrorists hate us for our freedom and prosperity and today they have to think of a new reason to hate us.

President Obama invited more people to visit the Obamacare website Tuesday. They are going to love the rate increases. The Obama website can handle only one-tenth the hourly volume that Porn Hub does, yet more people get screwed on the Obamacare website.

American Hustle won the New York Film Critics Award as the Best Movie of the Year on Saturday. It’s a caper set in the wild disco era. No one wants to say the Seventies were one long crazy party but Jimmy Carter wasn’t so much the president as he was the lookout.

The N.Y. Times caused Democrats to chafe last week by calling the ObamaCare rollout disaster “Obama’s Katrina.” That’s totally unfair. George W. Bush didn’t see Hurricane Katrina approaching the Louisiana coast on the Doppler radar and re-name it after himself.

President Obama admitted Tuesday that he himself is enrolling in Obamacare. Maybe it will help him get well. Obama has got the best health insurance coverage in the world, but it does not cover the high blood pressure and headaches that Obamacare is giving him.

President Obama quoted Pope Francis ripping income inequality Wednedsay. When he mentions religion it makes his supporters a bit uneasy. Walter Mondale once said that God’s got no place in politics, and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

— Argus Hamilton

President Obama spoke today in defense of the Affordable Care Act. He said it’s a disaster and he’s sorry he tried.

Did you know the speeches he’s made about affordable health care is greater than the number of people who have signed up for it?

Only about 50,000 people can use the site at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?

Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week.

The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I’ll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right.

How is it possible that they can track every cellphone in the world but can’t build a healthcare website? Maybe they should put the NSA in charge of Obamacare.

— Jimmy Kimmel

One of the biggest movies to come out this weekend was the Disney movie, “Frozen,” which is an animated film about the Obamacare website. Kids hate this movie. An hour and a half of characters trying to fix the website.

Today the White House confirmed that Obama will be signing up for Obamacare. Yeah, which is good because his current health plan doesn’t cover headaches and depression caused by Obamacare.

Obamacare is still struggling to get off the ground. Experts now say the success or failure of Obamacare will depend on whether young people sign up. Which is why as of today it covers medical marijuana.

— Conan


Nelson Mandela is a leader who Barack Obama should try to emulate. He could start by spending 27 years in prison.

— Don Imus


Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.

The woman in the back seat – in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur “You get out and check on that poor cow–you were driving.”

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there”

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, is hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. “My God, what happened to you?” asks the woman.

The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the beautiful daughter made love to me.”

“What on earth did you say?” asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door……….and when it opened I said to them, “I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow.”

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