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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
California’s insurance commissioner reports that more than 1 million people in the state have had their policies cancelled due to Obamacare. Or, as liberals prefer to call them, “undocumented patients”.
The Department of Homeland Security said that HealthCare.Gov was the victim of an unsuccessful cyber attack. Good to know the site’s being protected from hackers as well as potential users.
DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz said of Obamacare in 2014 “I’m going to make sure that we run on that”. Oh, look… another Obamacare promise that won’t be kept.
A new report shows that dead birds are being found with “singed wings” around several California solar energy facilities. That’s terrible! Won’t that increase the birds’ carbon footprint?
The results are in: voter turnout in Texas nearly doubled this year, even though they now have a voter ID law. Apparently these poor people had no Black Panthers to help prevent this tragic voter suppression.
The American Academy of Pediatrics says children under two should avoid using touchscreen devices. We probably shouldn’t allow them to design health care websites, either.
— Fred Thompson
ObamaCare ran ads telling young women they could have all the sex they want under ObamaCare. The new ads tell young men they can party all they want under Obamacare. In today’s America it’s an article of faith that every kid can grow up to be mayor of Toronto.
President Obama got the lowest approval ratings of his presidency and Congress got its lowest in history. It’s ObamaCare. One-third of Americans blame Obama, one-third blame the Congress and one-third want to ask Prince Charles if he’d like a place to practice.
President Obama agreed Wednesday to offer a remedy for people whose health care plans were canceled under ObamaCare. There are alternatives. We could always go with the Russian health care plan, which is a lifetime of potatoes, made easier by cirrhosis.
John Kerry returned from Geneva after failing to strike a deal with Iran to limit their nuclear output. He felt so sabotaged. The deal fell through after President Obama picked up the phone and told the Iranians if they like their reactors, they could keep their reactors.
Snapchat refused a three billion dollar purchase offer from Facebook Monday. It lets you send text messages and photographs that disappear after a few seconds. If Snapchat had only been available two years ago Anthony Weiner would be Mayor of New York today.
The L.A. Times said a million Californians have been canceled by their insurers due to Obamacare. It’s unsettling. This morning a Beverly Hills attorney woke up in his hospital bed and looked out the window and saw a fire across the street and just assumed he’d died.
President Obama let health insurers restore policies to canceled people. This’ll rob healthy policyholders from Obamacare and bankrupt it. President Obama and Kathleen Sebelius were onstage at an event last night and they stood in the Missing Curley formation.
President Obama admitted his approval ratings are low Thursday. He’ll always have one huge accomplishment. President Obama has improved this country to the point that even racists have completely forgotten that he’s black and despise him only for his policies.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama apologized for this whole healthcare debacle. He said today, “We fumbled.” Well, a fumble is a turnover. That can happen to anyone. This is more like, “We told everybody we were good at football, but we actually really stink at football.”
President Obama and his top aides met with insurance company CEOs at the White House on Friday. So we’ve got politicians meeting with insurance salesmen. You know, if you throw in a couple of used car dealers, you have the trifecta of professional lying right there.
Former President George W. Bush is on the show tonight. We’re very excited about that. As you know, his nickname is 43 because he was the 43rd president. President Obama is nicknamed 44 because that’s how many people have signed up for Obamacare.
Vice President Joe Biden said today, “Obamacare will eventually be a success, God willing.” Today God said, “Hey, keep me out of this. You’re on your own on this one.”
The ratings for Al Jazeera America has now dipped even lower than Al Gore’s Current TV, which it replaced. That’s how you know you’re boring, OK? When Al Gore is considered more entertaining to people than what you have.
Your chances of winning the big lottery are 250 million to 1. It’s the same as your chance of getting on the Obamacare website. It’s virtually impossible.
So far, only 106,000 people have signed up for Obamacare. Even more disappointing is that it turned out to be one man who accidentally signed up 106,000 times.
How about that Obamacare? They bungled it. They rolled it out and it wasn’t ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it’s nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.
According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn’t ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don’t know how to open their email.
So now the White House has hired a consulting firm to teach them how to pay attention to consulting firms. It’s all paid by tax dollars.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks for President Obama. It’s so bad that a new poll found that Mitt Romney would beat Obama if Americans could vote for president again today. He even asked if there’s any way we can have a do-over. Not Romney, Obama.
Obama and other Democrats have even stopped using the term “Obamacare,” when referring to the new healthcare law. Yeah, now they’re calling it “The Affordable Care Act.” Americans were like, “Just let us know when you can call it ‘fixed.'”
— Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is being criticized for not attending today’s ceremony commemorating the Gettysburg Address. In fairness, though, Lincoln did not attend Obama’s “Sorry about this crappy website” speech.
Obama is wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.