Today’s Toons 11/4/13

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters C & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

The Navy is set to launch its new Zumwalt-class destroyer, the largest ever built. We’re now fully prepared to keep people from looking at the Statue of Liberty during the next shutdown.

There are now rumors going around that the administration faked the fainting woman at Obama’s Obamacare speech. No, it’s real. Watch the video closely, and you’ll see her looking at her insurance bill.

Turns out the HHS Inspector General warned that the Obamacare website would be a disaster as far back as August. We’re only hearing about this now because they FINALLY finished logging in.

A new report shows the number of insurance cancellation notices issued greatly exceeds the number of new Obamacare enrollees. So… we need a program to help those uninsured by the program to help the uninsured?

Since its launch, has spawned over 700 fake scam sites that ask for your personal information. They’re easy to spot, though. They’re the sites that actually work.

— Fred Thompson

The FBI arrested a twenty-five-year-old New York man for joining al-Qaeda through al-Qaeda’s website. In just a few clicks he was on his way to Yemen for training. How embarrassing is it that it’s easier to join al-Qaeda online than it is to enroll in ObamaCare?

President Obama launched a drive for the Immigration Reform Bill Thursday. Illegal aliens are very wary. They fear that if President Obama sets up a White House website allowing them to apply for U.S. citizenship, they’ll never draw a legal breath in this country.

Captain Phillips stars Tom Hanks in a true story of a Somali pirate hijacking. It’s just gotten worse. Today Nigerian pirates took a U.S. ship ransom and Fox News reports that a Kenyan has taken over the White House and is forcing Americans to buy health insurance.

Consumer Reports advised everyone not to enroll for health care on the ObamaCare website for a few weeks until the U.S. government solved the problems. When’s the last time the government solved a problem in a few weeks? The U.S. still has troops in Alabama.

Congress heard testimony from ObamaCare contractors on Thursday. They said they saw there would be problems. It’s only a matter of time before we give up and call India and they tell us to un-plug the website for five minutes, plug it back in, and see if that helps.

An Atlanta Falcons cheerleader made it into the Guinness Book of World Records last week when she performed forty-four consecutive back hand-springs. It wasn’t at the football game. She was celebrating finally getting a response from the ObamaCare website.

President Obama spoke with the kids at Brooklyn’s Pathways in Technology high-tech school Friday. They had a very productive exchange. President Obama taught the children a lesson in civics, and the children taught the president how to set up a website that works.

The ACLU asked the Minnesota Vikings not to use the Redskins name in next week’s game. The Vikings conquered Normandy and Britain, whose descendants stole America and bought slaves to farm it. Using the word Redskins could ruin the good name of Viking.

California Democrats are considering a mandatory black box on dashboards of cars so states can tax drivers per mile. It’s a magic show. If you want to turn thirty million Hispanics into Republicans, tell them they must replace the Virgin Mary with a GPS tracker.

Senator Ted Cruz gave a presidential campaign-style speech in Iowa Saturday where he laid out his political principles. He wants to blunt criticism that he’s not serious. Last night in an effort to look more presidential, Ted Cruz launched a website that doesn’t work.

The White House on Monday admitted that President Obama’s promise that you will get to keep your doctor under ObamaCare may not be true. Credibility is low. Last week President Obama told schoolkids his favorite food is broccoli, and they believed him, and then he told them that ObamaCare will reduce the deficit, and they burst out laughing.

The White House rejected any attempts by Democratic and GOP lawmakers to delay ObamaCare Monday. That’s that. ObamaCare will start in about six months, which means if you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.

The ObamaCare website crashed Friday when the data hub failed to collect personal data. You had to call the website’s toll-free number to enroll, which was entertaining. Instead of on-hold music, they let you listen to Chancellor Angela Merkel having phone sex.

Nevada GOP Assemblyman Jim Wheeler told voters he’d vote to restore slavery if that’s what they wanted. It’s a sign of the times. Slavery is a touchy subject but if that’s the only way that we can get doctors to work for ObamaCare wages, then it’s got to be done.

ObamaCare officials testified in Congress Tuesday on the disastrous website rollout. They passed the blame onto the software engineers. Millions of Americans have logged onto the ObamaCare website and now most of them are absolutely hooked on Video Poker.

The White House warned Sunday the Internet has sprouted over seven hundred fake ObamaCare websites. It’s great news. Now if everybody will just purchase a fake policy from the fake website we’ll have the same thing President Obama has, plausible deniability.

President Obama said he didn’t know the NSA spied on allies Sunday. He also said he didn’t know of ObamaCare problems, IRS targeting and what caused Benghazi. It won’t work, there is not a person in America who’s going to believe Joe Biden is the mastermind.

Intelligence officials defended domestic spying in Senate testimony Tuesday. If the government is storing our Internet and cell phone data, then the U.S. government has the world’s largest porn collection. The IRS uses it to get in the mood for Tea Party applications.

— Argus Hamilton

NASA has successfully tested a broadband communications system that’s built into the lunar atmosphere explorer probe. It sends data to and from the moon at the rate of 622 megabits per second. To the moon and back in a second. In a related story, the Obamacare website is still down.

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I’m doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold ‘Em.

The White House now says the Obamacare website will be fixed by the end of November. So if your doctor has only given you three weeks to live, sorry pal.

According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it’s simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

The White House said today that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it’s so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy’s “Gangnam Style” video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!

The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA: It’s not so much fun when people are sneaking into YOUR computer, is it?

For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing.

There was some good news today for embattled Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. Obamacare will cover all of her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus. She is totally covered.

Have you tried to get on the Obamacare website? It is so slow that by the time you sign up for Obamacare you’ll be eligible for Medicare. It’s slower than a ticket scalper at a Jacksonville Jaguars game.

It’s really trick-or-treat time at the White House. President Obama tricked us into thinking we’d be able to afford treatment.

Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.” The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.

A lot of people are accusing the president of being less than truthful. In fact, a couple of weeks ago President Obama called me and told me personally that if I like my current job, I can keep my current job. And I believed him!

— Leno

Obama said they’ve had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I’ll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that’s a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God’s sake!

President Obama’s Facebook account was hacked. It was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army. When Obama found out about this, he said, “Can you guys fix the Obamacare website?”

– Letterman

A new report found that 700 IRS employees owe a combined $5.4 million in back taxes. When IRS workers got the news, they said, “Oh man, I hope I don’t find out about this!”

– Jimmy Fallon

We are posting online many of our rare or never-before-seen clips from the show’s past 20 years. You can see them online but if you really want a laugh, go to That’s where the good chuckles are.

– Conan


Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:

“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”

A physician called into radio show and said:

“that’s the definition of a stool sample”.

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