Today’s Toons 10/28/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Not only will furloughed federal workers be getting back pay, they’ll also get a raise on January 1st. The rest of us get a backed up website and raised insurance rates.

After two weeks of trying, a CNN reporter was STILL unable to sign up for Obamacare online. I bet the IRS’s “Pay Your Fine Here” site will work perfectly from day 1.

The CEO of Walmart described America’s near-term economic outlook as “tough” and “unpredictable”. Remember back when that’s how people used to describe Americans?

The latest red tape count: there are now 11.5 million words of Obamacare regulations – 30 times more words than in the law itself. About the same factor you should expect your insurance premiums to go up by.

A new report shows that the government only reviewed one bid before awarding the contract to design the Obamacare website. Amazing! What are the odds of finding the worst possible contractor on the very first try?

At the morning briefing, Jay Carney refused to say when the Obamacare website will be fully functional. I’m guessing just in time for the first successful concrete dirigible test flight.

The L.A. Times said it will no longer publish letters to the editor that deny that man-made global warming is real. Still allowed: letters blaming the Obamacare sign-up website’s failure on George Bush.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama spoke to a White House press conference Thursday after Congress spared ObamaCare. He spelled out the New World Order very explicitly. You must now buy the insurance you don’t want from a website that doesn’t work or the IRS will fine you.

Rory McElroy broke up with tennis star Caroline Wozniacki after he played golf with Bill Clinton in Ireland Sunday. He’d rather work on his golf and date around. So you see, it doesn’t take a government ad campaign to persuade young men to enroll in Clinton Care.

The Nobel Prize for Economics was awarded to three U.S. professors for discoveries that changed how firms invest long-term. The economists devised a formula for strategic investments which ensures a big surplus to win the award. President Obama finished last.

President Obama refused GOP offers to raise the debt ceiling and end the shutdown Monday. His next move may have been tipped. For a few hours Saturday an EBT card glitch erased all spending limits and the HHS programmer was nearly fired for jumping the gun.

President Obama summoned computer experts to the White House to fix the website where people enroll in ObamaCare. It’s riddled with glitches. Last night six thousand Americans tried to enroll in ObamaCare and wound up watching forty-five minutes of porn.

The White House added phone operators to the ObamaCare website to apologize for the poor service. It’s crazy. The premiere of Obamacare has been such a disaster that NBC is thinking of adding it to its prime time line-up and calling it Two and a Half Chances.

ObamaCare customers reported a back-up Monday trying to look at health care plan options. It’s good for business. Healthy people clicked their mouse for hours trying to get on the website and now millions of Americans need treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius ducked a House hearing on the ObamaCare rollout fiasco Friday. She volunteered to testify next week, when Congress is adjourned. These days the most insulting thing about the Washington Redskins name is the Washington part.

Mexico’s government condemned the NSA for reading e-mails and monitoring phone calls of Mexicans in Mexico Monday. This is way over the line. It’s bad enough that the NSA is spying on Americans, now they are spying on people before they become Americans.

Hillary Clinton was introduced at a Democratic rally in Virginia Saturday as the next president of the United States. Comedians wept for joy. After eight years of half the country hating us if we told a Bush joke followed by eight years of the other half of the country hating us if we told an Obama joke, the Clintons are back and the world is turning our way.

The ObamaCare website asked applicants about their diet, exercise regimen, sexual habits and drinking habits on the application form. It’s personal but necessary. They cross-check your answers with the NSA to make sure it’s really you applying for Obamacare.

The FBI arrested a young man they caught trying to join al-Qaeda online Friday. The lure is very devious. Al-Qaeda’s website not only offers you martyrdom and seventy-two virgins in Paradise but in the meantime it can get you a health care policy in three minutes.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sibelius will speak tonight at the JFK Library in Boston. That is ironic. If Kathleen Sibelius had been in charge of the Dallas motorcade route, Jack would be ninety-six years old today and still wondering how everybody wound up in Oklahoma City.

President Obama asked for patience with the ObamaCare rollout and promised that the website will be fixed. It’s also very intrusive. It’ll save a lot of headaches if we just get rid of the ObamaCare questionnaire and have the NSA fill in the personal information for us.

President Obama said Monday if the wait is too long on the ObamaCare website you can apply for ObamaCare by mail. Now he’s achieved something. No one thought that it could be done, but the Democrats have finally invented something slower than the U.S. mail.

— Argus Hamilton

It was kind of a rough day today. A friend of mine was given six months by his doctor — not to live, to sign up for Obamacare.

The president spoke today regarding the Obamacare website glitches. He said he’s bringing in “the best and the brightest” to solve the problem. Why didn’t he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort.

A 25-year-old man in New York was arrested for trying to join al-Qaida. Here’s the amazing part: He said it was easier to join al-Qaida using their website than it was to sign up for Obamacare.

Today there were more problems with the Obamacare website. It seems when you type in your age, it’s confusing because it’s not clear if they want the age you are right now, or the age you’ll be when you finally log in.

Here’s my favorite part: The president said yesterday that if it’s taking too long you can bypass the website and enroll by mail. Only the federal government could come up with a website that’s slower than sending something by mail.

Yesterday at the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that’s under the good coverage of Obamacare — where you’re actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.

The Obama administration has now asked Verizon to help fix the Obamacare website. Verizon wasn’t the president’s first choice. He initially reached out to T-Mobile, but they dropped the call.

Consumer Reports is now recommending that people sit back and wait a few weeks until the government fixes the problems. Really, a few weeks? When was the last time the government fixed anything in a few weeks? We still have troops in Korea, OK?

People have been speculating lately about what President Obama will do when he leaves office in 2016. The one thing I think we can safely rule out — website designer.

Some marketing experts are comparing the Obamacare website rollout to a Ford Edsel filled with New Coke. But they are making progress. They said today that if you find yourself getting too frustrated trying to log on, they’ve added a link to a suicide hot line.

What the president should do is put the NSA in charge of the website. That way there’s nothing to fill out. They already have all our information. You just put your name in.

— Leno

Things got screwed up with the healthcare website. So you can wait for them to get the site fixed or you can enroll in medical school, graduate, and then just take care of yourself, which would probably be faster.

You can also enroll over the phone. The call goes like this: “Hello and welcome to, the place where you can learn about signing up for affordable healthcare. Right now there are 8 million people ahead of you in line. Your estimated wait time is forever.”

It would be ironic to die while waiting on hold for health insurance, right?

– Jimmy Kimmel

The White House announced that it is bringing in the best and brightest tech experts to fix the glitches on the Obamacare website, which is a great plan. You know what would have been a better plan? Hiring the best and brightest tech experts to make the Obamacare website in the first place.

They’re still having a lot of trouble with Obamacare. First the website had all these glitches, and now people are getting a busy signal when they try to apply over the phone. So you can’t use the Internet and you can’t use the phone. And now fax machines are like, “Look who’s come crawling back to Mr. Fax Machine.”

The country’s unemployment rate went down to 7.2 percent last month, after 148,000 jobs were added. Of course all those people were hired to fix the Obamacare website.

The Obamacare website has all these glitches and now tech experts are saying that the only way to fix it is to completely start over and redesign the whole website from scratch. While the guys from the Geek Squad said, “Turn it off, wait five seconds, and then plug it back in.”

With all the trouble with the Obamacare website, 12 percent of Americans actually think it’s going well. Then people waiting for healthcare said, “Can you share some of the drugs you’re on with the rest of us?”

Here’s some more news out of Washington. The White House has fired one of its national security officials for setting up an anonymous Twitter account that was leaking internal information. President Obama called the invasion of privacy “unacceptable,” while Americans called it “karma.”

– Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is urging Americans who are having trouble with the Obamacare website to sign up for healthcare by calling a 1-800 number. The number is 1-800-we-didn’t-think-this-through.

There’s been a lot of speculation but now it’s clear that Joe Biden will run for president in 2016. In an effort to appear presidential, today Biden launched a website that doesn’t work.

One of the contractors who built the Obamacare website testified before Congress today. You can tell he built the site because any time they would ask a question, he would freeze.

– Conan

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