Today’s Toons 10/14/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Signs of the shutdown: grocery stores on Army bases in the US are closed, and the golf course at Andrews Air Force base is open. Guess they had to pull the checkers over to keep WWII vets off the greens.

A new survey shows that the American public is more conservative now than at any point since 1952. Yes, but the bad news is that all the liberals that died since then are still voting.

NBC News launched a week-long series to help people “find out more about the healthcare act”. Wish Congress had taken that much time before voting on it.

An immigration reform rally was held on the National Mall even though the site is closed due to the government shutdown. It’s ok, no WWII vets showed up.

The government shutdown has almost completely stopped the issuance of new rules from federal agencies. This is terrible. The country may get crushed under an avalanche of productivity.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said we need to take “extraordinary measures” to avoid default. Well, not spending more than we have would be pretty extraordinary.

The White House says Obamacare sign-up pages are only crashing because of high demand. So… they passed a law forcing everyone to sign up for health insurance and were surprised when everyone tried to sign up for health insurance?

The New York Times’ Grace-Marie Turner described Obamacare as “a gigantic shell game.” Yeah, except with a shell game, you’re free to walk away.

HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said of Obamacare “we’re about to make some history”. I’m sure Mrs. O’Leary’s cow had a similar thought.

A new study shows that people who send a lot of texts sleep less well because they often feel pressured to reply to messages in the middle of the night. Bet Hillary Clinton never had this problem as Secretary of State.

On the first day of the government shutdown, the government gave $445 million to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Makes sense, since Big Bird’s target demographic isn’t WWII vets.

While other departments are feeling the shutdown pinch, very few people were furloughed at John Kerry’s State Department. Well, every Boy Scout knows that when you have a shaky tent pole, you need more ropes.

The Clinical Center at the National Institutes of Health has suspended its dog therapy program because of the government shutdown. Instead, they’ll have National Park Service cops bark at people.

Despite the shutdown, the government ponied up $47,000 to buy a mechanical bull. Just what we need, more governmental bull.

A new study shows that knocking on wood and throwing salt over your shoulder “can reverse bad luck”. Also, they’re the only treatments covered under the Obamacare “Bronze” plan.

Officials report they’ve spotted a mountain lion roaming around the DC area. National Park Service officials are working diligently to make sure no tourists look at it.

Illegal immigrants are now allowed to practice law in California. So be really careful out there when hiring someone claiming to be a “criminal” defense lawyer.

— Fred Thompson

Mississippi vets arrived at the shut down World War II memorial on Capitol Hill and stormed through the barricades to enjoy the memorial Tuesday. The veterans had to sigh. Whether it’s Hitler, Tojo or the Park Police, the work never ends for some generations.

ObamaCare applicants were shocked at coverage plans they saw online Tuesday. It’s more expensive than private plans, deductibles are huge, and the fines are cheaper than the policies. Uncle Sam went to his new doctor today with an acute case of enlarged Detroit.

The U.S. government shut down Tuesday, laying off federal workers. The situation is dire. Roads won’t be repaired, home loans won’t get approved and bureaucrats will be unreachable by phone, and that’s if we can get the U.S. government up and running again.

The Parks Department shut down three U.S. golf courses in Washington Tuesday. The pros and groundskeepers are deemed non-essential. President Obama only agreed to negotiate with lawmakers Wednesday after the latest shutdown hit him where he lived.

The NSA shut down seventy percent of its surveillance operations Tuesday. You can now talk on the phone, e-mail, Skype and post Facebook messages without anyone listening in or watching. Americans aren’t happy, nothing is sadder than playing to an empty house.

Washington D.C. bars advertised free drinks to U.S. government workers laid off by the shutdown Thursday. The layoffs have been especially hard on the locals. Families in Washington D.C. are being torn apart, mostly by the animals escaping from the National Zoo.

NBC canceled the miniseries about Hillary Clinton when she was publicly humiliated when she was the first lady during her husband’s sex scandals. The movie had a major casting problem. No one wanted to play Hillary, meanwhile no actor said no to playing Bill.

The White House gate was rammed by a woman driver Thursday. She then led police on a car chase up Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol ending in a shootout. The incident occurred four miles from the nearest golf course, so the president was never in any danger.

The U.S. government remained shut down a third day Friday as the debt default crisis approached that could wreck U.S. currency. What a mess. It’s just dawning on Americans that it’d be much cheaper to buy their health insurance from the Chinese and cut out the middle man.

Phoenix sheriff Joe Arpaio was assigned a federal monitor by the Justice Department Friday. They say he singles out Hispanics. He’s been a little overwhelmed ever since President Obama’s border control policy placed everybody in Mexico on the honor system.

President Obama announced Friday he spoke with Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani to negotiate a peaceful nuclear deal. We agreed to negotiations grudgingly. If the U.S. government shuts down Tuesday, there may be a freeze on all new wars in the Middle East.

The U.S. faced a government shutdown over Congress’ refusal to fund ObamaCare and the president’s refusal to negotiate. It left Americans asking three questions. Who will inspect the chickens, who will direct air traffic, and who will put us sixteen trillion in debt?

The U.S. Senate held hearings Thursday on ways to curtail the NSA. They’re really out of hand. Last week in a restaurant a little boy told President Obama that his daddy told him that the NSA spies on their family online, and Obama told the boy that’s not his daddy.

President Obama placed a call to the president of Iran in Teheran on Sunday to start talks on Iran’s nuclear program. It’s the first of many. President Obama warned Iran not to take it as a sign of American weakness but any call from Tuesday on might be collect.

The White House and Congress careened toward a government shutdown Monday at midnight. U.S. officeholders may have to to live on pizzas delivered by interns. During the last government shut down, Monica Lewinsky got so fat she could barely fit under the desk.

President Obama stood his ground Saturday and told reporters he will not negotiate with Congress over the budget resolution. He then left the White House to play a round of golf. When he added up his score at the end of the round, he was sixteen trillion over par.

President Obama refused to negotiate with Congress Monday over the debt ceiling or the continuing budget resolution or any changes in Obamacare. Just last week, he was snubbed by the Syrians, the Iranians and the Russians. Every time the world refuses to negotiate with Americans, the president retaliates by refusing to negotiate with Americans.

President Obama declared ObamaCare the law of the land in a speech Tuesday. Civil disobedience is widespread. Many Americans would rather go to jail than enroll in ObamaCare now that O.J. Simpson has taught us that cookies are free in the prison cafeteria.

Hillary Clinton’s mini-series was axed by NBC Monday the same day CNN cancelled its documentary on her. She doesn’t want the scrutiny. Hillary needs to play it close to the vest if she’s ever going to realize the Clinton dream of being a two-impeachment family.

Kathie Lee Gifford on the Today Show laughed off Frank Gifford’s affair with Johnny Carson’s second wife. The NFL hall of famer cheated on Kathie Lee with a flight attendant fifteen years ago. His jersey hangs in the Oval Office at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

— Argus Hamilton

President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn’t want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.

Actually, it’s the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?

This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don’t worry about that.

According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don’t want to do — like running the government.

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across.

President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn’t stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport.

They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA’s next mission to Mars. Isn’t that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can’t go to the Statue of Liberty.

The other day California’s health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over.

— Leno

During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren’t any other quote “rabbits in our hat.” Plus, they’re still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear.

– Jimmy Fallon


Tee-shirt seen at a gun show: “If you come to take MINE, you BETTER bring YOURS!”


Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2013 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, two discount coupons to KFC, an ‘Obama Hope & Change’ bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass and a ‘Blame it on Bush’ poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

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