Today’s Toons 9/23/13

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters R & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Since it was passed, the regulations published regarding Obamacare are 8 times longer than the Bible. And they all add up to one commandment: “Thou better not get sick”.

At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi said that a Russian proposal to take control of Syrian chemical weapons is “a victory for President Obama”. Sure, and Tiger Woods getting a hole-in-one is a victory for his golf ball.

The Menifee, California, City Council passed an ordinance allowing people to build underground bunkers. Well, at least one California town has a shot at surviving Jerry Brown’s policies.

A California company has developed an “artificial egg” product made entirely from plants. In other news, President Obama announced that chickens are now eligible for 99 weeks of unemployment.

Government “Obamacare Navigators” who are supposed to be experts on the topic will only be required to receive 20 hours of training. Oh… so about the same amount of time Congress had to read the bill.

Secretary of State John Kerry said of negotiations on Syria’s chemical weapons “this is not a game”. Well, not a game we’re winning, anyway.

Greece’s jobless rate has now risen to 27.9%. Ya know, they could have a nice, low unemployment rate like us if they do what Americans are doing – giving up looking for work.

Colorado, California, and now Maryland have counties that have voted to secede and form their own state. If this trend keeps up, Obama will start bragging about being right with his 57 states comment.

A new report shows that a growing number of Americans are getting exercise at work using treadmill desks or other moving workstations. Jay Carney, however, is content just working the ol’ bob & weave.

Under Obamacare, doctors will be required to ask unrelated personal questions about your sex life. And yet Democrats still think it’s way too intrusive to ask for an ID to vote.

— Fred Thompson

The White House got low grades on foreign policy from the American people in a poll Wedneday. The contradictions abound. On the same day John Kerry assured the Senate that America is not the world’s policeman, a study said that Americans eat the most donuts.

President Obama gave a somber TV address on the situation in Syria on Tuesday. He indicated we’ve turned the corner on the civil war in Syria, with the Russian plan, with the U.N. and with Congress. We just turned four corners, we’re right back where we started.

President Obama agreed Tuesday to weigh Russia’s proposal to save Syria from U.S. attack. it sounds reasonable. Under the plan, Syria hands over its chemical weapons to international control and Barack Obama gives over his Nobel Peace prize to Vladimir Putin.

President Obama backed off his attack on Syria Monday to support a plan proposed by Russia’s Vladimir Putin to remove Syria’s chemical weapons. The chemical weapons won’t go to waste. Christmas isn’t that far away and Russia can re-gift them to North Korea.

Anthony Weiner was crushed in New York City’s mayor’s election Tuesday. It wasn’t that easy to cast his ballot. Under New York laws governing sexual deviants, Anthony Weiner is allowed to vote in the voting booth, but he is not allowed to close the drapes all the way.

Syrian president Bashar al-Assad went on Russian TV to signal his compliance with the cease-fire terms Thursday. They said they will hand over all their poison chemical weapons to international controls. It was the most light-hearted show ever on Russian TV.

President Obama said any attack on Syria would be just a shot across the bow with no boots on the ground. John Kerry said an attack would be unbelievably limited in scope and duration. We now wage war like we’re afraid the enemy is going to call Child Services.

Russia seized on a White House gaffe Monday to stop a U.S. bombing raid on Syria and rescue Syria’s regime from overthrow. Think of it as a chess game. Vladimir Putin moved his queen to the rook’s seventh square, prompting President Obama to shout Bingo.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s diary was released by his ex-wife Monday where he confesses daily about his extramarital affairs. He writes that he’s a serial womanizer and unable to stop. Like they say, like father like son, like uncles, like grandpas, and like Arnold-in-law.

President Obama said his stimulus program ignited economic recovery Monday. Not everyone agrees. A McDonald’s in Tulsa offers customers the Obama Special–you can order everything you want on the menu, and the next three people in line have to pay for it.

New Hampshire cops arrested a man in Manchester Friday who walked up to a bank teller and robbed the bank while wearing a President Obama mask. The guy made one error. He sent a man wearing a John Kerry mask into the bank ahead of time to warn them.

Michelle Obama’s school lunch program was dropped by some schools because kids weren’t eating it. They should try her husband’s diet, he stays thin. You have a big breakfast and a full dinner but nothing in between because Vladimir Putin eats your lunch.

President Obama acknowledged in an interview on Sunday he had difficulty putting together an international coalition who’d join us in an attack on Syria. The U.S. never acts alone on any major foreign policy decision. The people of Mexico are with us, literally.

John Kerry warned Syria’s Bashar al Assad that force is still a U.S. option. It’s easy to gin up a case for war. Last week, advisors had to physically restrain President Obama from trying to convince Americans that Bashar al Assad is trying to cut your Social security.

The N.Y. Post found the ObamaCare questionnaire will ask you how many sex partners you have plus your past drug use. This is healthy? Once you tell the U.S. all your sex and drug secrets, it’s a slippery slope to your own reality TV show, and death by overexposure.

President Obama in his speech Monday warned Congress he will not negotiate over the debt ceiling. The public mood is ugly. Twenty percent of Americans favor sending U.S. troops to Syria but eighty percent of Americans favor sending the U.S. Congress to Syria.

President Obama’s approval ratings fell sharply in the latest polls Thursday. He has fallen ten points in three months. President Obama vowed to find out whose approval he has lost, track them down using their e-mail and phone records and then win them back.

President Obama ripped the GOP Congress for misrepresenting Health Care Reform to the American people to scare them. He insisted Obamacare does not include a death panel that will pull the plug on grandma. His plan calls for the much cleaner pillow option.

— Argus Hamilton

I’ve lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

Dairy farmers now warn that there could be a jump in the price of milk by the end of the year. Milk could be as much as $6 a gallon. Today, Senator John McCain outlined a new plan to invade Wisconsin.

This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that’s all behind us now, huh?

USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it “Bidencare.”

According to a new report, over the last three years Social Security overpaid by $1.29 billion — thus establishing itself as the federal government’s most efficient program.

Starbucks has a new policy. If you have a gun, they’re asking you to leave it at home — thus making it easier for them to rob you.

It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home.

Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.

— Leno

I can’t believe this. We just had our primary for mayor here in New York City, and a new poll found that only 20 percent of New Yorkers voted. Which got even worse when 50 percent were like, “Wait, Giuliani’s leaving?”

Joe Biden has people talking that he’ll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze.

North Korea says it’s ready to resume nuclear talks with the U.S. for the first time in five years. But President Obama said it’s going to be pretty awkward — not talking to North Korea, but having to thank Dennis Rodman.

Brazil’s President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA’s spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn’t help when Brazil called to say they weren’t coming and the White House was like, “Yeah, we heard.”

Let’s see what else is going on in Washington. Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn’t avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like, “Since when did they have a Plan A?”

– Jimmy Fallon

The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain’s stores. He said, “It’s our job to rob you guys.”

Starbucks announced they don’t want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin’ Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that’s more dangerous than what we serve.

– Conan


As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Ted Hornsby is just such a person. Read his story below … it will surely bring tears to your eyes.


“I’m often asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’ Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most in life is converting copious amounts of beer, wine and good whiskey into urine. When my bladder is full, I go out in the backyard and pee on a photo of Obama. I do this at least once every day and I really enjoy it.”

Ted is an inspiration to all.

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