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Mexico is angry over a report that the NSA has been spying on their president. Don’t know why they’re mad. At least we’re not watching their illegal guns or immigrants.
A new trend on Craigslist: selling positive pregnancy tests. Probably got the idea from the media trying to sell positive poll results on Obama.
The Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens will be part of a major Obamacare enrollment push by Maryland health officials. So… their spokesmen are millionaires who already get the best medical treatment available for free?
Susan Rice spoke at the New America Foundation to make the case against Syria. She was not convincing, since she couldn’t identify which YouTube video was responsible for the chemical attack.
Just revealed to the House Ways and Means Committee: the IRS spent $10,000 making a video parody of Donald Trump’s show “The Apprentice”. I say find out who authorized it and apply Trump’s tagline liberally.
While receiving $148 million in US aid, the Palestinian Authority is doling out millions of dollars in cash grants to convicted terrorists. I guess it’s ok as long as they kill people with bombs instead of gas.
New York’s Coney Island beach is getting 600,000 cubic yards of sand added to it at a cost to taxpayers of $7.2 million. It’s gonna take a while, since they’re only allowed to bring in the sand in 16-oz. cups.
A new report shows that the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is collecting private financial data on five million American citizens without their knowledge or consent. Don’t worry. It’s perfectly secure. Unless a 12-year-old with a smartphone gets bored.
— Fred Thompson
Jack Nicholson reportedly said he’s retiring from movies Wednesday due to inability to memorize his lines. Public reaction swamped Twitter but it turned out to be a total hoax. There are so many holes in the story that not even John Kerry can vouch for its veracity.
President Obama canceled a fundraiser in Hollywood this week to lobby Congress to approve his Syria attack. Think of the money the president could have raised. Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize would have been the funniest gag gift anybody ever auctioned.
President Obama jousted with Vladimir Putin over an attack on Syria Friday. There’s really no need to drop bombs. If President Obama really wanted to destroy Syria, he’d drop his economic advisors on the country and in six weeks we’d have them on their knees.
Teresa Heinz Kerry sat behind John Kerry as he testified in Congress Tuesday. John married Teresa six months after her billionaire husband Senator John Heinz died in a plane crash. These are the kind of reflexes we need in a man in charge of U.S. foreign policy.
President Obama said in Russia Friday he was encouraged by talks with other world leaders about the situation in Syria. You know it’s bad when your only supporters are the French. The best guess is, they figured we will need the help producing the white flag.
President Obama made the case for a brief bombing campaign with limited targeting of chemical storage facilities in Syria. He made a campaign promise to have the most transparent administration ever. That starts with revealing our battle plans ahead of time.
New York mayor candidate Anthony Weiner got in a shouting match with a deli owner over his repeated sexual misbehavior. His support is now down to seven percent. Anthony Weiner has hit rock bottom so many times environmentalists are accusing him of fracking.
President Obama flew home from Russia Friday after a contentious Group of Twenty summit in St. Petersburg. Before leaving he had a half-hour meeting with Russia’s President Vladimir Putin which did not turn out well. President Obama was denied asylum.
President Obama is threatening to attack Syria yet the chemical weapons evidence is vague. His own party is apoplectic. Genealogists revealed five years ago Barack Obama was Dick Cheney’s thirteenth cousin, but Democrats only wanted to focus on his black half.
President Obama worked the phones all weekend trying to get the Congress to vote in favor of his proposed military attack on Syria. He’s decided to go the constitutional route. Syria would be the first target of a declaration of war by Congress since ObamaCare.
The White House announced unemployment is at its lowest level in five years if you don’t count the people who have given up looking for work. Nobody partied on the news. Most Americans just want to know when the Dollar Store is going to start selling gas.
President Obama gave a TV speech Tuesday to try to rally support for bombing Syria despite overwhelming public opposition to an attack. The president only got one good review. Tiger Woods said he’s a pretty good golfer for a guy who only plays five times a week.
President Obama’s proposal to bomb Syria’s chemical and military sites drew outcries from the Vatican and protest marches in world capitals. Just how badly is this idea polling? People in Kenya are claiming that President Obama was born in the United States.
Democratic former presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich warned that if President Obama attacks Syria without first obtaining congressional authorization, he could be impeached. Fortunately the president has impeachment insurance. It’s called Joe Biden.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama is in Russia. You know what he’s doing there? I think he’s seeking asylum.
The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That’s when you know this is serious.
On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria “a war,” he is calling it a “limited military intervention” — which sounds better than “potential endless quagmire.”
President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC “America’s Got Talent” will be delayed by “America’s Got Problems.”
President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad’s power has been reduced to the point where he’s on “Dancing With the Stars.”
You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.
John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don’t . . . he’ll give them another week.
Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.
The White House has a new slogan: “Hope and let the Russians fix it.”
Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president’s plan feel better now, knowing that he’s confused too.
Well, it was confusing, wasn’t it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal.
John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be “unbelievably small.” But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria.
Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It’s called “Lame Duck Dynasty.”
The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, “I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.
– Craig Ferguson
Dennis Rodman left for North Korea last week. Unfortunately, he came back. Rodman went to North Korea for a second time to meet with his friend Kim Jong Un. Is it possible that Kim Jong Un thinks that Rodman is President Obama?
In New York, former Congressman Anthony Weiner became the first candidate to concede in his bid to become the Democratic candidate for mayor. Weiner got less than 5 percent of the vote and came in fifth. There’s got to be something else he can run for. I have 3,000 more Anthony Weiner jokes.
You know, while losing the election was bad news for Anthony Weiner, it was great news for Carlos Danger. Carlos just opened four new dating accounts.
– Jimmy Kimmel
Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.
It’s quite a week for me because Eliot Spitzer lost his race for comptroller and Anthony Weiner lost his race for mayor. So that means I am back to being New York City’s biggest embarrassment.
President Obama did six TV interviews today to explain his decision to strike Syria. Yeah, six. Even Ryan Seacrest was like, “That guy’s on too many shows.”
– Jimmy Fallon
Last week Americans viewed 12 times as many stories about Miley Cyrus as they did about Syria. Which is why last night President Obama gave his speech on Syria while rubbing up against Robin Thicke.
I’m a little bummed out because it looks like the Anthony Weiner madness is finally over. It was so good for talk show hosts, one of the best things that ever happened. As he drove away from reporters, he gave them the finger. So at least he went out with dignity. That’s the important thing.
There once was a Congressman named Weiner,
Who had a perverted demeanor.
Forced from the Hill for acting like Bill,
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.
Moral: “If you tweet your meat, you lose your seat.”