Today’s Toons 9/2/13

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters W & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

The state of Illinois is hiring workers at $9 an hour to sign people up for Obamacare. Of course, if it weren’t for Obamacare, those workers would still be working somewhere else.

During a speech at State University of New York at Buffalo, President Obama said “at some point, the government’s going to run out of money”. Um, Mr. President? That point was about $17 trillion ago.

The Justice Department is suing the state of Louisiana to prevent low-income students from using vouchers to attend private schools. Well, that’s one way to keep people from being able to read about government scandals.

The German magazine Der Spiegel says NSA has been secretly monitoring the UN building. Shouldn’t they be monitoring organizations that can, you know, actually DO something?

— Fred Thompson

Al Gore gave an interview Monday in which he compared global warming skeptics to racists and homophobes. He’s been off the rails for awhile. Last year Al divorced Tipper when he came home early one day and found another man’s carbon footprints on the floor.

The NSA admitted Tuesday it scooped up fifty thousand e-mails from Americans with no terror ties. They confused the area codes of Cairo and Washington D.C.. That would explain why the NSA signaled a coup in Cairo when Bryce Harper overthrew the cutoff man.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner agreed to resign Thursday after a sixteenth woman came forward and accused him of fondling her. He may have gone for help to the wrong doctor. Bob Filner should sue his psychiatrist for malpractice for advising him to get a grip.

Private Bradley Manning announced as he enters prison for the WikiLeaks spy case that he identifies as a woman and will go by Chelsea Manning. It’s that simple. In a related story, Hillary Clinton announced she will run for president in 2016 as Sir Hillary Rodham.

President Obama proposed a rating system for colleges that measures every school’s cost-effectiveness. He said students are graduating in debt with no jobs. President Obama could lower taxes, jump-start the economy and the kids would all have great jobs waiting for them, but he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life speaking at Republican dinners.

San Diego mayor Bob Filner resigned after more ladies accused him of groping them Thursday. It’s misplaced talent. Instead of being a politician Bob could have been the happiest grapefruit picker in California but everyone wants to be something they’re not.

Martin Luther King III spoke at the fiftieth anniversary of the March on Washington Saturday. He echoed his father’s dream of equality between blacks and whites. His speech was really eloquent but someone has to tell him that this is America, speak Spanish.

President Obama was urged by Britain and France to lead a military intervention in Syria. The gas attack prompted the outcry. Until President Obama makes a decision he remains huddled with his two closest Middle East advisors–his five-iron and his putter.

President Obama speaks on the fiftieth anniversary of Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech today. The dream’s been altered a little. Today blacks drink at the same water fountains as whites, they just dream that gays and Hispanics will stop cutting in line.

The U.S. Navy sailed for Syria to punish Bashar Al Assad for using poisoned gas on his people. We can’t hit him too hard or al-Qaeda takes over. Instead of firing a Tomahawk cruise missile the president has asked the Navy to clobber him with a rolled-up newspaper.

San Diego mayor Bob Filner finally resigned Friday after extensive negotiations with the city over his liability for sex harassment charges. Eighteen women accused him of groping them at work . The good news is, he was immediately hired as a trainer by the TSA.

President Obama told PBS Wednesday he intends to punish Syria for using chemical weapons on their people. Deeper motives may be in play. Syria doesn’t export oil but Syria gets a lot of sun, so intervening in Syria may be part of Obama’s push for solar energy.

— Argus Hamilton

But it’s not all bad news for the former San Diego mayor. Today Bob Filner was offered a new job as a TSA agent at the airport. So, you fly often, do you?

So New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. Which is pretty smart, because at that rate, he won’t be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013.

The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it’s not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me.

The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn’t act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do.

Vice President Joe Biden said today that “Syria must be held accountable.” Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

The secretary of the treasury told Congress that we will be out of money by October. And of course a lot of Americans are shocked by this. Didn’t you think we were already out of money?

The treasury secretary said we will be out of money by October. Here’s my question. What happened to all that money we gave them last April 15, huh?

Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.

— Leno

New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend — not to be confused with his campaign. That’s a train wreck. And today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo.

– Letterman


It reminds us of this dude whose girlfriend dumped him:

“I’ve met somebody else.”

“Who?” he demanded.

“His name is Jerry, and he works for the NSA.”

“Why?” he pleaded. “What’s he got that I don’t have?”

“He listens to me.”

– James Taranto

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