Today’s Toons 8/19/13

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A federal audit shows $500 million was spent on “green jobs” training, despite a lack of jobs in the industry. They should be pushing people into a growing field, like bankruptcy attorney.

The New York Times sold the Boston Globe for $70 million – a 93% loss. Whoever made that call must be angling for a shot at being Obama’s budget director.

The Democratic National Committee has received more than $245,000 from contributors listed as “deceased”. They vote, they give money – heck, I’m just waiting for them to show up as poll workers now.

Scientists are predicting that the polarity of the sun’s magnetic field will flip within the next 3 months. Hopefully after another year, something similar will happen in the Senate.

A new report shows that Obamacare’s central data hub has still not been tested for potential security flaws. Oh, I’m sure it’ll be tested, although not by people looking to fix it.

The Office of Personnel Management issued a decision saying that members of Congress will now have the government pay for their health insurance under Obamacare. How about we cut them back to working 28 hours a week, instead?

Real estate website Zillow listed the White House as a “magnificent 132-room mansion” with a market price of $319.6 million. The only flaw – a $17 trillion underwater mortgage.

Despite the movie’s obvious “haves vs. have-nots” theme, “Elysium” star Matt Damon said the movie “isn’t trying to say anything”. Judging from the box office numbers, it’s not trying to make anything, either.

A new study shows that dogs begin yawning after seeing their masters do it. Which may help explain why the media yawns every time Obama gets tired of answering questions.

The National Science Foundation gave a $78,000 grant to study whether “climate change” was a primary cause for the decline of the Mayan civilization. Here’s another theory: maybe it collapsed because of ridiculous government spending programs.

A new study shows that kids who watch too much TV develop poor social skills. So… Harry Reid was raised by a 21″ Zenith console?

Eric Holder plans to reduce prison sentences for people convicted of using drugs. Oddly, not a peep on penalties for people held in contempt of Congress.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama said on the Tonight Show the NSA does not spy on Americans. They can monitor anyone’s online postings, their web history and chat sessions. However if it can’t keep Anthony Weiner from getting elected mayor, what good is it against al-Qaeda?

New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner plummeted in the polls last week in the wake of his latest round of lewd texting confessions. He just released a list of nineteen ways to improve New York. It’s great as long as you don’t download it from your i-Phone.

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner began sex rehab last Monday but during the week three more women said he’d groped them. So Filner’s total is up to thirteen. That summer he spent working for the TSA in that under-cover reality show has really come back to haunt him.

The White House declared an emergency in Pakistan on Friday and evacuated the U.S. embassy in Lahore leaving U.S. citizens stranded there. It was a time for heroic action. When Eliot Spitzer heard that we didn’t have a man in Lahore he volunteered for active duty.

The White House selected Oprah Winfrey, Bill Clinton and Gloria Steinem to receive the Medal of Freedom this fall. Gloria opened the doors for women in business and Oprah opened the doors for women in television. Bill opened the doors to his private study.

President Obama met Greece’s prime minister at the White House Friday. They had a nice exchange. He gave Greece advice on how save their economy and Greece gave him advice on how to make a tourist destination out of the ruins of your former civilization.

Attorney General Eric Holder told the ABA that the DOJ will no longer tell D.A.s about the prior arrests of drug suspects. It’s so they can avoid mandatory prison sentences. At least one branch of the government isn’t going to hand out free housing and health care.

The Missouri State Fair ordered all rodeo clowns into sensitivity training to prevent a repeat of Saturday’s ridicule of Obama. It gets even worse. In addition it seems the bull once texted photos of his horns to a cow, and now he might have to resign from rodeo.

Jack Kennedy’s presidency will be recalled on the fiftieth anniversary of his death in November. We all loved him. However, his Addison’s Disease required steroids, so his record for most number of White House affairs will always be accompanied by an asterisk.

President Obama’s job approval rating hit an all-time low Friday with only forty-one percent. Don’t worry. I’d like to say President Obama is the greatest president in history, just in case they’re starting with rodeo clowns and working their way to the Comedy Store.

Texas U.S. Congressman Steve Stockman invited Missouri’s banished rodeo clown to perform his anti-Obama spoof in Texas Monday. The sensitivity has gotten out of hand. The Missouri State Fair rodeo just banned Gallagher for life for working with watermelons.

— Argus Hamilton

Yesterday, President Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece’s economy. President Obama talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it’s “the blind leading the blind.”

Anthony Weiner has released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Oh, please. If Weiner wants to improve life in New York City, he should move to New Jersey.

At the Missouri State Fair, a rodeo clown put on a President Obama mask and tried to get a bull to chase him. Yeah. But it backfired because the bull sat down and said, “Let’s be fair and see what he does with his second term.”

— Leno

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