Today’s Toons 8/12/13

”Of course, if I had a 15-year old son riding on a bus, he and his friends would
beat up a 13-year old white boy cause that’s only right under my rule.”

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Turns out the IRS was not only targeting new Tea Party groups, but existing ones as well. In fact, they just indicted 10 Founding Fathers for tax fraud.

Liberal actor Jim Carrey blamed the vandalism of the Lincoln Memorial on “corporate tyranny”. Yes, because we’re all being crushed under the oppressive heel of Big Paint.

A new study shows that men are 6 times more likely than women to be killed by lightning. Waiting for feminists to demand a law to correct the obviously unfair voltage disparity.

Russia is trying to ban foul language on social networks. Hardest hit: Joe Biden, who will be prevented from explaining what kind of a big deal the new law is.

A new report shows that earning one dollar too much could cost you thousands under Obamacare. Of course, in Obama’s economy, the hard part is earning that dollar.

Reuters reports that the racy adult novel “50 Shades of Grey” is even more frequently requested in Gitmo than the Koran. Here’s an idea – just give them one shade every time they tell us what we want to know.

A new report shows that the Department of Homeland Security has lost track of more than 1 million people who it knows arrived in the US, but who it cannot prove left the country. Don’t worry, I’m sure the Democrats will find them before the next election.

Leaked NSA documents reveal a system that allows analysts to search “nearly everything a typical user does on the internet.” Still unknowable: anything Obama did on Benghazi.

The US has closed a number of embassies around the world due to recent “security concerns”. Welcome to Obama’s “horses & barn doors” foreign policy.

President Obama discussed the possibility of using unarmed, unmanned aircraft to help combat the growing problem of elephant poachers in Tanzania’s vast wildlife reserves. And if that doesn’t work, he’ll sic the IRS on ’em.

When an HHS official was asked whether people will see the $2500 insurance premium savings that President Obama promised, he responded “I can’t say”. Is there ANYONE in this administration not pleading the 5th?

Al Gore recently lead a symposium to train 1500 new leaders for a push to “demand action on the climate crisis.” Let me guess – they’ll be flying all over the country on private jets to do it.

New Republic columnist Reid Cherlin called for an end to the White House press briefings, calling them “exercises in silliness”. Now, now… don’t blame the clown for the circus.

A California company was given more than $100 million in taxpayer funds by the federal government to build electric car charging stations, despite how few of them are on the road. Yet not a dime for unicorn feeding troughs.

A new study shows that late-night comedians are now targeting Democrats twice as much as Republicans. Meanwhile, the IRS is now targeting Republicans half as much as late-night comedians.

A new study shows that 90% of jobs created since 2009 are only part-time. Just waiting for Obama to describe them as having an “extra unpaid vacation benefit”.

— Fred Thompson

The State Department shuttered U.S. embassies after the CIA overheard a threat from al-Qaeda. The terrorists said Americans are no longer safe whether we travel by land, sea or air. They’re too late–Amtrak, Carnival Cruises, and the TSA already took care of that.

Mayor Bob Filner said Thursday a reason he groped women at work is San Diego had no sexual harassment information seminars to educate him. He blamed his downfall on a lack of bureaucracy. You have to admit there is a certain glory to dying like a Democrat.

The State Department closed U.S. embassies in the Middle East due to a threat from al-Qaeda cells. Reaction was furious. The INS is so mad at al-Qaeda they threatened to revoke their student visas so they’ll never complete pilot school in time for the Super Bowl.

Mayor Bob Filner said he had no sex harassment seminars to teach him that groping is wrong. He means well. The mayor makes good progress resisting the urge to grope women at work and then Mad Men comes back on the air every July and triggers a setback.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden was granted asylum in Russia Thursday. It did cost him some dignity. Ed Snowden was allowed to stay in Russia only after agreeing to pose for photographers next to a shirtless Vladimir Putin, who held him upside down like a big fish.

Congress billed the taxpayers to fund health care insurance for themselves and their staffs Friday. It gets them out of ObamaCare. Not only do average Americans pick up the cost of House members’ health care, all death-panel rulings apply to randomly-selected taxpayers.

The U.S. Senate had calls by both parties for the NSA to stop data-mining every phone call in the U.S. Thursday. It really looks bad. There are now sixteen satellite dishes on top of the White House and nobody believes President Obama’s story that it’s just for ESPN.

The London Telegraph reports the Benghazi attack last year masked a CIA weapons supply operation to the rebels in Syria. They call themselves the Syrian Alliance. If you don’t know who the Syrian Alliance is, they’re our allies who we will be fighting next year.

The FEC reported dead people gave six hundred thousand dollars to campaigns last year. Three fourths went to Democrats, one-fourth to Libertarians. Once Republicans die they’re prevented from donating to campaigns or worthy causes by what the law calls heirs.

President Obama shut U.S embassies in the Mideast over attack fears Sunday. No one blamed it on an anti-Muslim film this time. However, the day before, Lawrence of Arabia ran on Turner Classic Movies in case anyone wonders if Peter O’Toole has still got it.

The White House closed U.S. embassies in every Muslim country in the world Sunday for fear of terror attacks. For the last two years, the administration has insisted that al-Qaeda is on the run. Every seven seconds, they’re fifty yards closer to the embassy gates.

TSA officials were ripped by House committees last week for sloppy work by the TSA guards at airports in the United States. Last year at LAX, security videotape caught four TSA guys snorting cocaine. It’s the first time anybody’s seen lines go that fast at the airport.

President Obama did an about-face Tuesday and proposed private banks guarantee home loans, not federal agencies. He’d backed government home loans his entire life. You know he’s getting older when even President Obama doesn’t support President Obama.

President Obama went on the Tonight Show Tuesday and took questions from the host on important national security issues. He insisted there’s no spying by the NSA on American phone calls. It got a bigger laugh than anything Jay said in the monologue.

George W. Bush is fine after having a stent put in his artery to relieve a heart blockage Tuesday. Everyone in the media was nice to him. Fox News sent a get-well bouquet to his hospital room and MSNBC sent him two chili dogs with extra cheese and steak fries.

The U.S. and Britain evacuated our embassies in Yemen Tuesday amid the chatter by al-Qaeda of a pending attack. The sense of urgency was real. President Obama said we have got al-Qaeda on the run and if they beat us to the airport there’s no way out of Yemen.

— Argus Hamilton

If you’d like to get the president a gift, you can’t go wrong with Edward Snowden. He would love that.

There’s a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, “It’s going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You’re going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings — I need the whole deal.

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It’s their bill. If it’s too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?

All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries.

We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy.

The Republican National Committee now says if NBC and CNN don’t pull plans for a Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won’t hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me. Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn’t have to watch any of that crap.

This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper’s dozen.

I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid.

Congratulations to NASA. The Mars rover Curiosity is celebrating its first anniversary on Mars. So far, in the year it’s been up there it has sent back 70,000 photos. I know that sounds like a lot, but it’s still less than Anthony Weiner sent out.

Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the “Hypocritic Oath.”

— Leno

In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like “Come on, what’s funnier than the name Carlos Danger?” They we’re like, “uh, Anthony Weiner?”

President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he’s getting older because he no longer supports President Obama.

During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, “Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot.”

– Jimmy Fallon

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has purchased The Washington Post for $250 million. He said that last night, like most Amazon customers, he was drunk and buying crap on the Internet he didn’t need.

– Conan


Sorry, but only in Obama-supporter circles could you have a Huma and an Alma being cheated on by a Weiner and a Colin.

– Jeannie DeAngelis

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