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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Some New York City beaches had to be closed down due to a massive sewage leak. Now THERE’S something Bloomberg should’ve tried to keep under 16 ounces.
TV star Nathan Fillion refused to show up on set recently, while negotiating for a 4-day work-week. Thanks to Obamacare, most Americans will get that whether they want it or not.
Due to a computer error, PayPal accidentally credited a man in Pennsylvania $92,233,720,368,547,800. Heck, that could have paid for 6 months of Obamacare.
An illegal alien who’s been deported 11 times was caught again, this time with 220 pounds of pot in his car. He’s in big trouble – he was supposed to bring back a receipt for Eric Holder’s guns.
After failing to get hired as a liberal commentator, Keith Olbermann was picked up by ESPN as a sports guy on the condition he doesn’t discuss politics. Expect him to get twitchy every time a ball gets hit into right field.
The WWE was recently embarrassed when 38 upcoming wrestling match outcomes were leaked online. Don’t take it so hard, fellas. Happens in Chicago elections all the time.
In Waukegan, IL, police said they are investigating at least two incidents in which a man caused slow leaks in young women’s car tires, then offered to help them. Think he got the idea from Obama’s economic plan?
According to a Yahoo News analysis, Jay Carney has dodged nearly 10,000 questions from White House correspondents. When asked why he was so evasive, Carney responded “let me get back to you on that”.
The Department of Housing and Urban Development plans to map every neighborhood in America in an effort to “eliminate segregation”. Oh… so the government’s going to change their focus from eliminating employment for a while?
The IRS lawyer who targeted Tea Partiers for auditing met with President Obama 2 days before implementing the program last year. Probably just Obama vetting Treasury Secretary nominees.
— Fred Thompson
Bill Clinton was honored when the EPA named its headquarters building after him in Washington D.C.. It’s hilarious. Leave it to the EPA to name its headquarters after the one president who was impeached for failure to clean up after his chemical and biological spill.
Florida verdict protesters gathered in La Cienega Park and marched down Wilshire Boulevard Wednesday. Merchants in Beverly Hills were powerless. Dozens of looters ran into the Medical Building on Camden Drive and came running out with free boob jobs.
IRS employees testified in Congress that a White House political appointee ordered them to target conservatives They loathe conservatives. Osama bin Laden’s second biggest mistake was letting Democrats catch him in satellite photos wearing a cowboy hat.
Detroit filed for bankruptcy Friday listing eighteen billion dollars in municipal debt and pensions it can’t pay. The declining business revenues can’t support government services. President Obama just told reporters that if he had a city it would look like Detroit.
The Weather Channel reported a heat wave on the Eastern Seaboard as one hundred degree temperatures boiled New York . It’s unbearable there. While campaigning last week, Eliot Spitzer was audiotaped offering a prostitute four thousand dollars for a Slurpee.
The royal birth was announced Monday along with the surprise revelation that the future monarch of England was a boy. Not everyone was surprised. The royal couple got a first hint six months ago when the NSA sent them a list of boys’ names for the new prince.
President Obama lectured Americans about racial prejudice Friday after the George Zimmerman verdict upset liberals. It’s all winding down. George Zimmerman has just legally changed his name to Ben Gazi to make sure the president never mentions him again.
Prince William and Duchess Kate showed off the Royal Baby to reporters outside the hospital Tuesday. When asked if they’d chosen a name, they looked peeved. Anthony Weiner just ruined the good name of Carlos Danger and now it’s back to the drawing board.
Pope Francis holds a revival at Copacabana beach in Rio de Janeiro Sunday. He wants to convert the wildest city in the world. Hey, if Anthony Weiner can hold a national news conference about texting photos of his penis on National Hot Dog Day, anything is possible.
Milwaukee Brewers star Ryan Braun was suspended Monday for using steroids. He’d convinced everyone of his innocence until biological evidence from the lab uncovered his lies. He could be the first ballplayer ever inducted into the Clinton Presidential Library.
Jesse Ventura sued Chris Kyle’s widow over comments the late U.S. Army sniper made about him in his book American Sniper. We owe the former Minnesota governor a lot. Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.
President Obama got his lowest approval rating ever Wednesday. Fifty-six percent of Americans disapprove of his handling of the economy. This recession has lasted so long that only Anthony Weiner’s wife is buying the argument that things are going to get better.
The John F. Kennedy Library released Bobby Kennedy’s confidential files Thursday after fifty years. The two were very close. They lived by the scripture verse which said that greater love hath no man than he who would share Marilyn Monroe with his brother.
Buckingham Palace was deluged with gifts for the Royal Baby Tuesday. He can reign wherever he goes. Canada sent him a Moosehead, Australia sent him a Fosters, New Zealand sent him a prayer book and the White House sent him a Hawaiian birth certificate.
Anthony Weiner’s wife Huma publicly forgave him on what happened to be National Hot Dog Day Tuesday. That’s wise. Huma works for Hillary, who became a Senator, Secretary of State and maybe president because she knows better than to spoil everyone’s fun.
— Argus Hamilton
Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit’s population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington.
According to a new study, lying gets easier over time. People get better at lying the more they do it. See, that’s why you have to have term limits.
Before we begin the show, I want to ask everyone to turn off their cellphones. It has nothing to do with our program. We just want to protect you from Anthony Weiner. He may try to send you a text.
Anthony Weiner has been caught in yet another sexting scandal. At the beginning of this campaign he said that other texts and photos were likely to come out. Well, they have. Finally, a politician who keeps his promises!
Anthony Weiner said yesterday that he wants closure. If he wants closure, he should start with his zipper.
The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you’d be able to keep your doctor, and now they’re saying you “might” be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from “Yes we can” to “Perhaps we could try. Can’t promise anything.”
I have been learning more about this NSA spying scandal. What are the odds that the only person they weren’t monitoring was Anthony Weiner?
Two years ago when Weiner resigned, he said more embarrassing pictures may come out in the future. Do you know how he knew that? Because he went home after that and started texting them. That’s how he knew.
The Vatican announced that the late Pope John Paul II will become a saint after they approve a miracle where he cured a woman of severe brain injury, which is pretty impressive. Not as impressive, though, as the miracle of Anthony Weiner still being married, but that’s impressive.
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
Another tough day for New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Or as we know him now, “Carlos Danger.” I’m no prude, but I think texting obscene pictures crosses the line. Even Geraldo Rivera was like, “Dude, put some clothes on.”
I’m conflicted about Anthony Weiner. On one hand, after the pain he caused his family I think he should drop out of the race. On the other hand, his staying makes my job even easier.
– Craig Ferguson
Let me just say this: You know that your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying “I told you there would be more lewd photos.”
Weiner says he won’t drop out of the race. So that means by day he’ll be Mr. Mayor, and by night he’ll be “Carlos Danger, Gaucho of Love.”
Carlos Danger — isn’t that the guy from the Dos Equis commercials?
We have former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer on the show tonight. He’ll be here only for about five minutes, but we’re charging him for the full hour.
Eliot Spitzer is on the show. When he got here, I said, “Do you need someone to escort, er, show you to your dressing room?”
There’s a new Anthony Weiner scandal. Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He confirmed yesterday that some new sexually explicit messages have been leaked. He sent them to a woman on Facebook using the code name “Carlos Danger.” Which is still easier to believe than that other name: Mayor Weiner.
It was revealed that Anthony Weiner sent nude pictures of himself to this woman using a “Carlos Danger” Yahoo email address. His wife was shocked. She said, “You still use Yahoo?”
President Obama gave a big speech yesterday on the economy. It was actually longer than his last State of the Union address — though it should be noted that he opened with 20 minutes of Anthony Weiner jokes.
– Jimmy Fallon
New information about aspirin
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Effective Jan 1, 2014, aspirin will be heavily taxed under Obamacare.
The only explanation given was that they are white and they work.
No other reason was given, but I thought you’d want to know about it.