Today’s Toons 7/22/13

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President Obama said he wants to use Google’s model to create “a smarter government”. Nah, he should try the Twitter model: no new laws over 140 characters long.

Scientists have developed a revolutionary new blood test that can tell you how long you will live. Big deal. Obama already developed a panel that will do the same thing.

All 45 Senate Republicans are calling for the implementation of Obamacare to be permanently delayed. President Obama disagreed, pushing for a permanent delay in economic recovery, instead.

Despite President Obama’s announcement to the contrary, Nancy Pelosi said “the employer mandate was not delayed”. Apparently Obama hasn’t given her a bill to pass so she can find out for sure.

After a year, the State Department has yet to fully comply with requests under the Freedom of Information Act to list Hillary Clinton’s travel expenses. Well, at least you can be sure Benghazi visits didn’t cost a dime.

After declaring bankruptcy a few months ago, Hostess announced that Twinkies will soon be returning to store shelves, but now they’ll be 10% smaller. Ah… the perfect metaphor for Obama’s “recovery”.

— Fred Thompson

New York comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer was blasted by women’s groups Friday for all the hookers he procured. Qualifying for the ballot should be no problem. As of today he’s got comedians on every street corner in New York gathering signatures for him.

Teamsters chief James Hoffa slammed ObamaCare as a disaster for labor unions and their gold-plated health care plans. No one wants it. The very mention of Hoffa’s name made the White House wish ObamaCare would just go away and disappear without a trace.

New York’s disgraced former Governor Eliot Spitzer wrote a book of ethical rules for politicians to live by Monday. He’s running for comptroller against his former madam. For politicians like Eliot Spitzer, sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, you still have to pay for it.

USA Today published a Census Bureau report saying the U.S. birth rate hit an all-time low last year. Those two-way ultrasounds were a real mistake. The U.S. pregnancy rate was the same as it always was, but the kids saw the national debt and they won’t come out.

NSA whistleblower Ed Snowden revealed the NSA monitors your calls and reads your messages, tracks your whereabouts and learns everything about you. That’s just wrong. Nowhere in the Constitution is the federal government given the same power as Facebook.

President Obama visited a second-grade class in Washington D.C. Tuesday and he told the children his favorite food is broccoli. They believed him. Then he assured them that the NSA doesn’t spy on American citizens and they just fell out of their chairs laughing.

Rolling Stone ran a flattering photograph of the Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnayev on the cover. Critics say the magazine makes a sex symbol out of a terrorist who attacked the U.S. If you think that’s bad, the Newsweek cover shows him breast-feeding.

The Department of Justice set up a website for people to post any evidence of racist behavior by George Zimmerman. He’s mentored black kids, lobbied for a black crime defendant and partnered in business with a black man. George Zimmerman did refuse to meet with the Klan, so the Justice Department might be able to prove racial bias after all.

— Argus Hamilton

President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli is his favorite food. You know, it’s one thing to lie to the voters, but when you’re lying to kids, come on.

Al-Qaida’s No. 2 man in Yemen was killed this week by a drone strike. He was doing a cover shoot for Rolling Stone and they were able to pinpoint him.

— Leno

There was a guy caught on the Mexican border with $128,000 in his socks. The guy is kind of stupid, though. The Border Patrol asked, “Why did you stick all the money in your socks?” He said, “Because I’m using my rectum for drugs.”

– Craig Ferguson

In an interview about the New York elections, Eliot Spitzer, who you remember was caught frequenting prostitutes, described himself as a feminist. And Anthony Weiner described himself as a photographer.

– Conan


In case you are having a rough day, here’s a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the liberal Democrat you are holding underwater.

See it worked. You’re smiling. You feel better already.

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