Today’s Toons 7/8/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

During a climate speech, President Obama mocked global warming skeptics, saying “we don’t have time for a meeting of the flat-Earth society.” I suppose not. Hard to have global warming without a globe.

“Ready for Hillary”, the unofficial super-PAC working to draft Hillary Clinton to run for president in 2016, has launched an online store offering shirts and buttons for supporters. Seems premature. I don’t know what difference it will make at this point.

A new study shows that young people are becoming so reliant on electronic devices that they can no longer remember everyday details like their phone numbers. Don’t worry, kids. The NSA’s got you covered.

After receiving cheers while taking off his jacket before a speech, President Obama quipped “it’s not that sexy”. And for the first time ever, MSNBC said Obama might be wrong about something.

President Obama said the Supreme Court decision on gay marriage won’t affect “how religious institutions define and consecrate marriage”. This from Mister “if you like your insurance, you can keep it”.

A young bear spotted running around in Washington DC was captured and released to a wilderness area in Maryland. Sorry fella, amnesty only applies to immigrants that have opposable thumbs to vote with.

Scientists have successfully extracted DNA from a 700,000 year old horse. No word on if it’s the same dead horse Democrats are always beating about gun control.

Nancy Pelosi said people should celebrate Obamacare this July 4th. Right. Is there even a rocket big enough to lift all 20,000 pages of regulations?

— Fred Thompson

West Hollywood residents celebrated after the Supreme Court allowed gay marriage in Califorrnia. The studio publicists reacted quickly. Until last week, The Lone Ranger and Tonto was advertised as an action-adventure movie and today it is a romantic comedy.

Harvard ran a poll which found that Fourth of July celebrations tend to turn children into conservatives. The survey really had to alarm educators. It just takes a fireworks show and a patriotic speech to undo a hundred and eighty days of public school education.

Jeb Bush, it was announced Friday, will present Hillary Clinton with the Liberty Medal in Philadelphia this fall. She’s won honors all her life. When Hillary was a girl playing church league softball in northside Chicago she led the league in crooked real estate deals.

NSA fugitive Edward Snowden stayed last week inside a Moscow Airport hotel room in the transit concourse in a diplomatic no-man’s-land. The only food available to him was from the Burger King and Cinnabon in the concourse. The good thing about being in a diplomatic no-man’s-land is that Mayor Bloomberg has no jurisdiction over the restaurants.

The Battle of Gettysburg was fought Sunday by re-enactors dressed in Blue and Gray uniforms and fighting under U.S. and Rebel flags. The U.S. flag is so different today. The fifty stars on Old Glory were recently replaced by fifty eyeballs that follow you everywhere.

Alec Baldwin tweeted vile homophobic slurs at a gay reporter Friday who reported his wife texted drink recipes during a funeral service. The media let him off with a slap on the wrist. However, Paula Deen just announced she’s severed all ties with Alec Baldwin.

Michelle Obama raised eyebrows at the African First Ladies’ Conference in Tanzania Tuesday. She said that being First Lady in the White House was like living in a prison. It’s the lamest attempt to be the next Nelson Mandela that we’ve seen in the First family so far.

President Obama praised Nelson Mandela in South Africa Sunday. Proper decorum was maintained. President Obama refers to Nelson Mandela by his tribal name Madibah, while South Africans call President Obama by his rap star name, Biggie Deficits.

The New England Patriots halted sales of Aaron Hernandez jerseys Monday after his murder charge. His crimes against the state didn’t stop at homicide. For months he was under investigation by the IRS for being involved in a organization called The Patriots.

Tahrir Square in Cairo was jammed with millions of protesters Wednesday as Egypt’s Islamist regime fell to a coup by Egypt’s secular army. World reaction was swift. The United Nations went into emergency session to try to find a way to blame this on the Jews.

President Obama delayed implementation of ObamaCare Wednesday until after House elections. The program got off to a great start. Andy Griffith demonstrated how much money the program would save by doing TV commercials for it and then dying immediately.

Alec Baldwin was forgiven for his homophobic text-rant by gay activists Monday. Jennifer Lopez sang at an Asian tyrant’s birthday and pleaded ignorance. Changing her tactics, Paula Deen issued a statement criticizing the gay community for failing to celebrate International Dictator’s Day.

NSA fugitive Ed Snowden was given strict conditions by Vladimir Putin Tuesday if he wants to be given political asylum in Russia. The NSA whistleblower is desperate for a place to hide where no one will see him. He’s just asked CNN if he can host an hour of prime time.

— Argus Hamilton


All right, all youz mast headers… listen up!

Wez all sings along… twogether—

While Olive and Iz… dance—

Geez, Olive, I loves it… when a plan comes twogether

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