Today’s Toons 7/1/13

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A New Jersey homeowner told investigators that he accidentally set his own house on fire while trying to kill bed bugs. Best Obamacare metaphor ever.

The Air Force censored a video created by a chaplain because it include the word “God”, fearing it might offend atheists. It also censored a war on drugs video for using the word “dope”, fearing it might offend the brass.

In a recent speech, Republican Senator Ted Cruz said that regulations from overzealous federal agencies are hampering the economy’s growth. That’s the government for ya. They put square wheels on the cart and wonder why the horse is so tired.

To get people to show their support for Obamacare, a liberal group is offering people a free bumper sticker. Or as they call it off the record: “audit insurance”.

A new poll shows that 70% of Americans hate their job. It also showed that 7.6% of Americans wish they had a job to hate.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said the NFL is “very actively and enthusiastically engaged” in discussions about helping to promote Obamacare. I even heard they’ll be getting their own team: the Baltimore Boondoggles.

A new report shows that Medicare paid for unauthorized prescriptions written by massage therapists, athletic trainers and chiropractors. Ah… so we’re ready for when all the real doctors quit over Obamacare.

— Fred Thompson

Hillary Clinton’s tenure as Secretary of State was questioned after charges surfaced she covered up sex and drug scandals at U.S. embassies. It won’t hurt her. Hillary clearly is on her way to fulfilling her and Bill’s lifetime dream of being a two-impeachment family.

The FBI announced Thursday it’s abandoning its search for Jimmy Hoffa after agents acted on a tip and spent all week digging up a back yard in Michigan. Federal agents have no idea how to track him down. He hasn’t made a one phone call in thirty-eight years.

The U.S. Senate neared agreement on an Immigration Bill on Thursday. Resistence to illegal immigration is fierce. If you call the governor’s office in Arizona, the recorded message tells you to press one for English, press two for English, and press three for English.

California former porn star Jenna Jameson was reported Friday expressing interest in running for Congress in Southern California. She faces family considerations. What kind of role model would she be if her kids ever found out she was a Member of Congress?

President Obama’s job approval fell among Democrats in June. His drone program and NSA spying has hurt him with liberals. Democrats don’t like the new Obama who tracks down Muslim extremists, they prefer the old Obama who was a Muslim extremist.

GOP Senators warned Friday of election fraud if the immigration bill passes. We live in a country where no ID is required to vote and no ID is required to purchase morning-after birth control pills. What happens in the voting booth stays in the voting booth.

Senator Harry Reid added a hundred million to the immigration bill Monday. It’s for promoting tourism to Las Vegas. We’re going to send border security agents to casinos in Macao to stand behind the baccarat tables and hand out visas like they’re nightclub passes.

Nancy Pelosi was booed in San Francisco Tuesday when she denounced Ed Snowden for exposing NSA spy programs. She misread her own city’s liberalism. San Franciso is the only city in the world that would hold a nude protest march demanding online privacy.

President Obama warned of the dangers of climate change Thursday. It is a partisan issue. When asked if the first day of summer is the longest day of the year, the press secretary said that such wild allegations are inevitable in an era of Republican over-reach.

Russia refused U.S. demands to extradite NSA’s Ed Snowden Tuesday. Last week China refused to give him up and the week before Hong Kong said no to the U.S. Forty years ago, no one would’ve dreamed that Rodney Dangerfield would be our first black president.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden slipped out of Hong Kong and flew to Russia Sunday a week after he fled Hawaii for Hong Kong. His next move is either Cuba, Venezuela, Ecuador or Iceland, no one knows. He’s the only guy in the world the NSA is not surveilling.

President Obama left for Africa with three airliners, fighter jets, choppers, limos and buses Tuesday. It’s a plan. If we can’t command Vladimir Putin’s respect militarily, we can destroy enough ozone to make him too scared to go horseback riding with his shirt off.

Bill Clinton hailed the Supreme Court striking down the Defense of Marriage Act as unconstitutional Wednesday. It’s a bit ironic. Bill Clinton was the president who signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law, but to be fair to Bill, he was against his own marriage.

Anthony Weiner took a a five-point lead in the N.Y. mayor’s race Tuesday. His story is ironic. Bill Clinton had sex, lied about it and kept his job while Weiner didn’t have sex, lied about it and lost his job so the moral is if you’re going to lie you might as well have sex.

The NSA said it’s developed a robotic bird that looks like a bird and spies on people from above. How smart. The NSA has decided to admit the most embarrassing things Ed Snowden can leak before topless backyard sunbathing gets into full swing this summer.

Hillary Clinton’a image appeared on buttons, hats and shirts for sale Tuesday as her campaign got underway. Hollywood’s making a movie about her life in DC right after college. The casting directors are inteviewing sacks of cash to play the role of her first love.

— Argus Hamilton

NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all its information. Now where is he? He’s in Russia now, soon to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds that out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn’t watching was him?

The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it’s spying on you.

In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss.

President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he’s sweating a lot more during his second term.

In an interview, Pat Buchanan predicted that the inflow of Hispanics from the immigration bill will break the U.S. into two countries with different cultures and different languages. Of course, as a resident of Los Angeles, I can’t imagine what that would be like.

Yesterday, the Supreme Court opened the door for same-sex marriage to resume in California. Apparently, the judges were really swayed by that Liberace movie.

President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn’t worked here — so try it somewhere else.

The Girl Scouts announced that their pension plan has a $347 million deficit. The Girl Scouts are $347 million in debt, so in addition to teaching girls about camping it also is preparing them for careers in government.

— Leno

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