Today’s Toons 6/24/13

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Hollywood opened the campaign season for the Emmy Awards Thursday. The voting is top-secret. Before the envelopes are opened this fall, there are only three people who know the name of the winners. Price, Waterhouse and the night watchman at the NSA.

National Intelligence Director James Clapper was caught on tape telling Congress the NSA doesn’t collect data on citizens. They listen to everything. The good news is, if you can’t remember what time you promised to pick up the baby sitter you can call the NSA and they’ll play it back for you.

Anthony Weiner pulled into a tie for the lead in the New York Mayor’s race Thursday in all the local polls. His determined campaigning style is paying off. He’s also the candidate who’s most widely recognized by the public, and that’s just from the waist down.

President Obama agreed to arm the Syrian rebels Friday. The U.S. will try to arm good rebels and not al-Qaeda rebels fighting Russia-backed Syria and Iran-backed Hezbollah. He’s been looking three years for something more complicated and impossible than health care.

President Obama flew to Northern Ireland for the Group of Eight summit Sunday. He conferred with Allies on Syria’s civil war, terrorism, the spread of nuclear weapons and Europe’s currency crisis. It’s the first peaceful Sunday he’s had since the IRS scandal broke.

White House guards caught a guy leaping over the wall holding a spray paint can. He said he had a message for the president. He didn’t need spray paint to give a message to the president, all he had to do was post a private message to his girlfriend on Facebook.

Tea Party groups revealed Friday that the FBI hasn’t interviewed them about the IRS targeting them during last year’s election. The groups believe that federal agents won’t look into it. Every day at the Justice Department, it’s hit the ball, drag out the investigation.

Washington D.C. will host a event in August marking the fiftieth anniversary of Martin Luther King’s speech on the Mall urging an end to discrimination. We’ve come a long way. Fifty years later, regardless of race, creed or color, every American is spied on equally.

President Obama agreed to arm Syrian rebels Friday. The U.S. backs the rebels, who include al-Qaeda, but Russia and Iran back Syria, including Hezbollah. Obama decided to take sides in the conflict after Chicago sued Syria for doing its act on the news every night.

President Obama flew to Germany to address the German people in Berlin. It might cheer him up. He’s been ripped by both U.S. parties lately for being an an authoritarian and a compulsive speech-maker so he might as well go where it’s traditionally appreciated.

The IRS prompted a public outcry Tuesday by announcing plans to give out seventy million dollars in performance bonuses this week to IRS agents, IRS supervisors and IRS employees. It’s not much at all. You wouldn’t do that job for just a dollar a conservative.

— Argus Hamilton

Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.

In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in over a year. Obama’s vowing to find out whose approval he’s lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back.

Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran’s economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to blame the whole thing on President Bush.

Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI’s Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans.

— Leno

During the summer all scandals will be reruns. That’s a programming reminder from the White House.

– Letterman

Ever since the government’s spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel “1984” have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, “1984” shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.

The Senate’s new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it’s approved, while some senators are saying that’s the point.

This spying scandal at the White House isn’t going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them.

– Jimmy Fallon

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