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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
While targeting right-wing groups, the IRS’s Lois Lerner received $42,000 in bonuses. Well, technically, the money was actually compensation for not being allowed to keep the scalps.
During congressional hearings, Eric Holder insisted that all the DoJ scandals don’t “distract” him. Of course not. He’d have to be paying attention first.
The White House announced that President Obama will speak at the Brandenburg Gate in Berlin later this month. That’s perfect, since he represents a government that can’t even afford to build a wall.
In the IRS scandal, no liberal organizations have come forward to say they were unfairly targeted. Unbelievable. Something liberals AREN’T claiming victim status on.
The IRS has put a top official in charge of implementing Obamacare on administrative leave after it was discovered he had accepted $1,100 in free gifts. Seems fair. Everyone knows there’s a $1,500 minimum.
A new report shows the federal government shelled out $332 million in employee bonuses in 2012. Since they were busy burying scandals, should we call these “shovel-ready jobs”?
One California elementary school is planning a TOY gun buyback program. Very wise. About time someone addressed America’s epidemic of pretend crime.
After all her years in politics, Hillary Clinton has finally fired up her own official Twitter account. What can I say, except “what difference, at this point, does it make?”
The New York Post published several photos of JFK Airport security guards sleeping on the job. Well, looks like Obama’s just drowning in good candidates to replace Eric Holder.
— Fred Thompson
U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice was promoted to National Security Advisor Thursday by the president. Now she has to join the Writers Guild. Instead of delivering fictionalized talking points to the Sunday TV talk shows, she will be in the White House making them up.
New York slapped a warning label on sugary fruit and energy drinks Friday. They’re trying to make it criminal to be overweight. It’s only a matter of time before the U.S. Senate hears testimony that the IRS has been pressing Weight Watchers groups for names.
The IRS admitted spending four million dollars at an Anaheim conference that included suites, spa and luxury dining. They said they don’t know the exact amount because they did not keep the receipts. That excuse didn’t save Al Capone and it’s not going to save the IRS.
Olympic star Lindsay Vonn was forced to give a urine sample to a World Anti-Doping Agency agent during a fashion awards dinner she was attending in New York Tuesday. It’s galling. The IRS just called the World Anti-Doping Agency and asked if they do Republicans.
The NSA was revealed Friday to have recorded all phone calls made in the U.S. on Verizon in the last two months. What’s the big surprise? In the last two elections, polls showed Americans felt that Barack Obama was the candidate who was most likely to listen to them.
The TSA dropped its plan to allow passengers to carry small knives Thursday. They were just trying to be fair. The TSA didn’t think it was sporting to have people groped for their underwire bras and knee replacements and not have a knife to defend themselves.
President Obama welcomed the Baltimore Ravens to the White House Wednesday to salute them as Super Bowl winners. He was so grateful they were able to come. The president’s been hit over the head by three scandals in three weeks, and under NFL concussion rules the team had to come to him, because he’s not allowed to go on the road.
President Obama met China’s president Xi Jingping in Palm Springs Friday. China has been stealing data from U.S. citizens and U.S. companies and U.S. media to gain the upper hand on them. President Obama just loves attending these continuing education seminars.
L.A. Dodgers rookie sensation Yasiel Puig hit a grand slam to upend the Atlanta Braves Thursday. His raw talent has captivated the city. In the locker room after Thursday’s grand slam, he heard from his parents in Cuba and from President Obama, in the same call.
The White House admitted Friday that the NSA listens to all phone calls to search for terrorists. It works by subtraction. If a phone conversation they monitor isn’t a pizza order or phone sex, they know it’s not an American, and nine times out of ten it’s al-Qaeda.
The New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow Monday to play this season. He’s going to be a wealthy white male, a Christian conservative and wear the Patriots logo. His tax return is going to set off bells in the Cincinnati IRS office like he just won the showcase on The Price is Right.
President Obama wrapped up a weekend summit with China’s president Xi Jing Ping Sunday. The U.S. and China leaders discussed the red-hot issue of cyber-spying. Until now President Obama was too proud of his natural ability to seek help from a teaching pro.
The White House came under criticism about NSA data-mining Monday. They comb phone records, monitor e-mails, texts, tweets and Facebook postings. Barack Obama started out being our first black president and he wound up being your crazy former lover.
Anthony Weiner rose in the polls in the N.Y. mayor’s race Thursday. The voters seem happy with his amends. He apologized to his wife for his sex misconduct, he apologized to the nation for lying about it, and he apologized to Bill Clinton for copyright infringement.
IRS officials admitted the tax-exempt scrutiny squad searches for words like Patriot, Liberty and Tea Party in petitioner literature to trigger audits and delays. England can’t believe their good luck. If they’d scrutinized every pamphleteer who mentioned Liberty, Patriot and Tea Party two hundred and forty years ago, we’d still be their problem.
The U.S. Senate heard testimony from the NSA Director Keith Alexander over the NSA secret data collection program. He said the NSA doesn’t use this information against President Obama’s political opponents. That’s the IRS’s job and they’re in a different union.
U.S. Senator Dean Heller of Nevada offered an amendment which would label Nevada as a Mexican border state. Illegal aliens don’t come directly to Nevada from Mexico. They come to the check-cashing line at Caesars Palace with their California disability check.
President Obama’s job approval rating took a hit in the Gallup Poll Wednesday. Only forty-five percent of Americans approve of the job he’s doing. That means fifty-five percent of Americans are going through the shoebox in the closet getting ready for an audit.
— Argus Hamilton
The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.
President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it’s not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That’s not what it’s about.
The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?
The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues.
If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don’t you do that?
The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It’s a great story: When Superman’s dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.
Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he’s associated with the word “patriot,” and he’s being audited by the IRS.
Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.
President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that’s a debate we wouldn’t have had five years ago. Five years ago? It’s a debate we wouldn’t have had two weeks ago if they all hadn’t gotten caught.
We live in what’s called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
Kevin Hart is on the program today. He has a new concert film called “Let Me Explain.” President Obama’s new slogan is also “Let Me Explain.”
The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let’s get real. Aren’t we all pretty much working for China?
According to a Gallup poll, President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has “impeachment insurance.” It’s called “Joe Biden.”
The world’s oldest human tumor has been found on the rib of a Neanderthal skeleton in Croatia. The tumor would have been discovered sooner, but they have government healthcare over there.
I don’t know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.
Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he’s leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He’s now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people.
President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, “Why, so you can read our emails faster?”
This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, “You first.”
Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, “Hillary in 2016!” and “Washington needs Hillary!” and “Hillary for the White House!” That’s not her followers. Those were her tweets.
Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, “How do you block people on this thing?”
This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.
– Jimmy Fallon
Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book “1984” have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It’s making Americans read.
A special message to my wife and all my friends that I have met over the years, this one is for you!!
As I approach my twilight years, I am struck by the inevitability that the party must end. And one clear, cold morning after I’m gone, my spouse will awaken in the warmth of our bedroom and be struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t “anymore.”
No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more “just one minute.”
Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, or say “I love you.”
So while we have it, its best we love it, care for it, fix it when it’s broken and heal it when it’s sick. This is true for marriage…..and old cars, and children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep — like a best friend who moved away or a son-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.
Life is important, like people we know who are special. And so, we keep them close!
Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know how you really feel? The important thing is to let every one of your friends know your true feelings, even if you think they don’t love you back.
So, just in case I’m gone tomorrow, please rest assured I voted against that asshole Obama…..both times.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘nope, ain’t Stanley.’
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up, roll him over.’ The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Stanley .’
The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’ Gomer said, ‘Well, Stanley had two assholes.’
‘What! He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say ‘There’s Stanley with them two assholes.’
Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Obama administration as planning, development, and strategy consultants for the IRS & Justice Department.