Today’s Toons 6/10/13

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Lois Lerner, the IRS Director of Exempt Organizations, signed letters that were sent to targeted groups asking them to turn over an extensive amount of information to the IRS. Bad news, Lois – the 5th Amendment doesn’t apply to signatures.

4 famous actresses are vying to play Hillary Clinton in a new bio-pic scheduled for 2016. Whoever can say “what difference does it make” with the straightest face gets the part.

On the Tonight Show, Jay Leno joked that “Obama’s teleprompter took the Fifth”. Not necessary. As close as they are, it probably qualifies for Spousal Privilege.

A new report shows that prison inmates in New Jersey have picked up $23 million in government benefit payments. Huh. I thought criminals had to get elected before getting government paychecks.

Sick of government interference, one doctor in Maine has completely stopped taking insurance and now only accepts cash. Like they used to say in the 60s: suppose they gave a mandate and nobody came?

A recent CNN poll revealed that 54% of Americans still do not support Obamacare. In other news, 54% of Americans are expected to receive IRS audits this year.

When reporters asked about Eric Holder targeting reporter James Rosen, Jay Carney said “I would refer you to the Justice Department”. Not sure if that counts as a dodge or a threat.

The Chicago Sun-Times has laid off every single one of their photographers. Well, they never used them. With Obama in office, it’s always “nothing to see here”.

A new poll shows that 76% of Americans want a Special Prosecutor to investigate the IRS Scandal. The other 24% said they’d settle for a guy with a cattle prod who hasn’t had his morning coffee yet.

Even the New York Times is starting to question President Obama’s travel expenses in this era of belt-tightening. Guess it’s easier than asking “what did he know, and when did he know it?”

Twelve of Egypt’s best-known bloggers and activists are headed to trial for insulting that nation’s President. Seems excessive, but at least they didn’t get audited first.

— Fred Thompson

Attorney General Eric Holder tried to hold an off-the-record meeting with reporters Thursday. He spied on reporters to get their sources, then accused them of conspiracy to leak secrets. His picture was just put up in the Torch is Passed gallery at the Nixon Library.

White House logs revealed IRS Commissioner Doug Shulman visited President Obama one hundred eighty times. We’re witnessing history. President Obama isn’t the first to use the IRS to go after political opponents but he is the first to put them on an Enemas List.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg was targeted by a poison ricin letter on Thursday. The police sketch artsist was able to draw a composite of the suspect. It is an obese woman giving her baby bottled milk while drinking a thirty-two ounce Coke and smoking indoors.

President Obama met with the National Security Council after Russia sent Syria missiles Friday. He’s prepared for the worst. Everywhere President Obama goes, he’s followed by a general carrying a briefcase that contains the codes to the latest scandal explanations.

Attorney General Eric Holder met with Washington reporters and said he supported press freedom but he asked that it be kept off the record. It has to be hush-hush. If he stands up for any part of the Constitution he’ll have to find a job outside Washington D.C.

Attorney General Eric Holder was asked by the president to investigate Eric Holder for spying on reporters. Now Eric Holder may have to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Eric Holder for lying to Congress about it. This is what Democrats have to do to get some national name recognition when President Obama is sucking up all the oxygen.

Jay Leno got the good news Monday that he clobbered the other late shows in ratings in May. His ratings soared since he turned conservative and began telling Obama jokes. Jay was not only class clown in high school but he was also voted Most Likely to Be Audited.

New York Mayor hopeful Anthony Weiner marched in Sunday’s Israel Day parade. He held a flag of Israel in one hand and a bullhorn in the other hand as he marched in full view of the public. The court order says he must keep both hands fully-engaged and unable to text.

The IRS was found Monday to have spent fifty million dollars of taxpayer money on lavish conferences the last two years. The IRS said they paid for the conferences out of unused enforcement money. The Tea Party immediately demanded more IRS conferences.

U.S. Congressman Charlie Rangel said the IRS scrutiny of conservatives was the result of a cancer on the IRS office in Cincinnati. Many agree. Michael Douglas now blames his throat cancer on the envelope he licked when he sent in his tax returns seven years ago.

The IRS was found Monday to have spent fifty million dollars of taxpayer money on lavish conferences the last two years. The conference entertainment cost ran up the bill. Throwing taxpayers to the lions was expensive, mostly because of the liability insurance.

Congress heard testimony from real people Tuesday who’d been targeted by the IRS because they’d sought exemption for their conservative groups. The IRS questions were so intrusive. The only organizations they didn’t red flag were the ones that have a red flag.

Barack Obama backed a bill Tuesday to crack down on patent trolls who in the tech world are considered intellectual parasites. It’s confusing. When headlines said Obama was getting tough on trolls, everyone just assumed the IRS had been replaced by a flat tax.

Barack Obama named U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice national security advisor. She got away with blaming the Benghazi attack on a video and didn’t rat on anyone. Going back to their days in Chicago, she not only knows where the bodies are buried, her fingerprints are on the shovel.

The IRS was discovered Tuesday to have spent fifty million dollars on lavish retreats at resort hotels. Videotape showed agents at the conference line-dancing and playing party games. They had fun bashing pinatas, and funny enough they were all shaped just like Republicans.

— Argus Hamilton

Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What’s next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?

President Obama says he is renewing his efforts to close Guantanamo Bay. How about closing the IRS? Why don’t we do that? How about shipping the IRS to Guantanamo Bay? See video

This latest California wildfire is getting pretty scary. But Governor Jerry Brown has it under control. He said he is going to tax and regulate the fire until it gets fed up and moves to another state.

More problems for the IRS. Isn’t that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else’s life miserable? Start with that!

IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, “I’m going to stay, and I want my money.” And you wonder why we’re $16 trillion in debt.

The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she’s going to have to pay, the IRS said it’s too early to tell because they don’t know whether she’s a Republican or Democrat.

The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they’re not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn’t keep any receipts. Right about now Wesley Snipes is saying, “Hey, what about me? I didn’t have my receipts.”

President Obama has called on Congress to pass a media shield law that would allow reporters to do their job without fear of government prosecution. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the First Amendment.

A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here’s the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.

When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn’t either. Sometimes it just happens.

— Leno

We put up with the IRS. They weasel you and take your hard-earned money. Well, they’ve been taking your tax dollars and throwing themselves lavish parties. I was thinking, “Yeah, well, what good is it being a bunch of power-hungry, jack-booted goons if you can’t enjoy yourselves, if you can’t every now and then pat yourself on the back?”

– Letterman

Many Republicans want President Obama to fire Attorney General Eric Holder after he seemed to contradict himself under oath. When asked if he’s worried, Holder said, “Yes. I mean, no.”

Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, “You hang up first.” Then my wife said, “No, YOU hang up first!” Then Obama said, “Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?”

The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon’s new ad campaign: “They can hear you now.”

– Jimmy Fallon

This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama’s message to China is going to be, “I swear we’ll have the money for you by Tuesday.”

It’s come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, “The friends and family and Obama plan.”

– Conan

The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It’s a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama’s IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, “rough week, huh?”

– Craig Ferguson

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