Today’s Toons 5/28/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

In a recent speech, President Obama said that Republicans are “still telling tall tales” about Obamacare. Not as tall as that 20,000-page stack of Obamacare regulations.

Democrat Congressman Charlie Rangel said that President Obama needs to “give more of an answer” on the IRS scandal. Like what? “I really, really didn’t know”?

David Axelrod said Obama couldn’t have known about all these scandals “because the government is so vast” Really? This administration seems more half-vast to me.

A senior adviser to Vladimir Putin has said the Kremlin was “surprised” by the “extremely crude and clumsy” attempt of an alleged CIA spy to recruit a Russian security services officer. Odd. You’d think offering a solid gold “Reset” button would’ve worked.

Turns out that, just last year, a group of seven Senate Democrats sent a letter to the IRS urging them to investigate conservative political groups. This from the crowd that abhors the notion of profiling at airports.

A belligerent North Korea launched three short-range missiles into the waters off its eastern coast. No word on whether they were actually targeting the Tea Party.

— Fred Thompson

The Beverly Hills Hotel has started serving High Tea at four o’clock in the afternoon for Los Angeles society groups. It includes a harpist and crumbcakes. The first three groups of ladies were carried off in paddy wagons after the IRS got wind of the tea parties.

President Obama called in the Marines Thursday to hold an umbrella over his head during his Rose Garden press conference. Let’s face it. We just don’t have the military capability to protect our Middle East diplomats and the president’s suits at the same time.

President Obama was buffeted by scandals on Benghazi, the Justice Department, and IRS targeting of opponents Friday. It’s weird. If we didn’t know Barack Obama’s father was black and his mother was white we’d think his mother was black and his father was Nixon.

President Obama held a news conference in the Rose Garden Thursday. The scandals are starting to get to him. While denying responsibility for last fall’s disaster in Libya the president wagged his finger and said he did not have sex with that woman Ben Gazzara.

President Obama denied knowledge of the Inspector General’s report Thursday when asked if he knew the IRS was targeting political enemies. It was immediately obvious to every person in the country he’d sidestepped the question. There’ll never be another Bill Clinton.

U.S. Senator John Cornyn revealed the IRS softball team canceled their game with his Senate office’s softball team amid tensions over the IRS scrutinizing conservatives. The IRS should take the softballs while they can get them. The questions only get tougher from here.

British Airways began allowing coach passengers to participate in an online auction for upgrades to first class. Everybody loves an upgrade. For four years Republicans compared Barack Obama to Jimmy Carter and last week he got upgraded to Richard Nixon.

New York’s disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner disclosed Thursday that he still hasn’t decided whether or not he’ll run for Mayor of New York. His entry would make it a three-man race. Local racetrack bookies suggest that you bet on Weiner to show.

President Obama asked Congress Thursday for more money to guard U.S. embassies from attack. It’s not necessary. All we have to do is register al-Qaeda as a conservative political action group and the IRS will shut them down for their anti-U.S. government views.

IRS official Sarah Ingraham, who was in charge of targeting conservatives, was put in charge of doling out ObamaCare. Hollywood noticed. Angelina Jolie is already estranged from her conservative father Jon Voight so it won’t bother her to rat on him to get her breast surgery.

IRS Commissioner Steven Miller stonewalled Congress in testimony Friday. He stated he’s an acting commissioner. That’s someone from Second City who knows how to act like the executive branch had no knowledge the IRS was targeting conservative groups.

President Obama met Burma’s newly-elect president Thein Sein at the White House Monday. Sein is overseeing Burma’s conversion from a police state with one-party rule and controlled press to an open democracy. We’re like two ships passing in the night.

The Justice Department was found Monday to have been tapping the cell phones and reading e-mails of Fox News reporters this past year. It’s damning. This proves that the White House knew the Benghazi attack was an al-Qaeda operation the minute it happened.

President Obama said Friday he had no idea the IRS was targeting conservatives last year. He can say nothing else. Barack Obama once starred in a student movie, and when the script called for him to admit to doing something wrong, they had to get a stunt double.

The CNN poll Monday said sixty percent of Americans said they believe Obama when he says he didn’t know the IRS was targeting conservatives That’s odd. It was the number-one topic in every foursome at every golf club in America, how could he not know about it?

President Obama’s job approval ratings held steady Monday in CNN’s latest poll. The numbers split exactly along party lines. Fifty-three percent of Americans approve of the job Obama is doing as president while the other forty-seven percent are being audited.

President Obama commented on the Oklahoma City tornado damage on Tuesday. He obviously has a lot on his mind now. The president said he’s looking into it, he vowed that folks will be held accountable and he declared that the American people expect better.

IRS official Lois Lerner invoked her Fifth Amendment rights and refused to testify to Congress about targeting conservatives. How embarrassing. Lerner is so mortified over having to cite the U.S. Constitution she ordered herself audited for being a right-wing group.

President Obama said Friday he never knew that the IRS was targeting conservative groups last year. He said that he found out about the IRS misconduct last week from watching TV. Nothing aggravates ESPN viewers like real news coming across on the crawl.

President Obama flies to Oklahoma City Sunday to tour the tornado damage and talk with local survivors. It’ll really help. There are three tornadoes heading for the White House from Capitol Hill next week and Obama wants to find out which room he’ll be safest in.

President Obama said he didn’t hear about the IRS scandal until it came on the news Friday. He said he didn’t hear about the Justice Department scandal, and he didn’t hear about the Benghazi cover-up. Every seventeen years, those cicadas drown out everything.

Anthony Weiner and his wife Huma announced he’ll run for mayor of New York this fall. He resigned from Congress after he got caught sending lewd texts to women he’d met online. His wife spent the last four years studying under Hillary Clinton at Camp Lookaway.

Anthony Weiner announced in a two-minute video Wednesday he will run for mayor of New York. It’s odd that political pundits consider him a liberal. Anthony Weiner is the only Democrat with documented proof he’s committed to growth in the private sector.

President Obama gave a lengthy speech to the National Defense University Thursday outlining his decision to reduce the pilotless attacks on U.S. enemies. You can’t make it up. President Obama spent an hour and fifteen minutes promising he’s going to drone less.

President Obama said Thursday he rejected the idea the U.S. is in a global war against terrorism. He’s ruined a fun drinking game. TV viewers who drink a shot of whisky every time a presdent says radical Islamic jihad have four years and four months of sobriety now.

Congress heard testimony on the IRS, the Justice Deparment and Benghazi last week from whistle-blowers. It was relentless. The last time President Obama heard this many whistle-blowers he was taking five steps to the basket in an attempt to make a free throw.

President Obama said he didn’t know the IRS targeted Tea Partiers and he didn’t know the Justice Daprtment spied on AP reporters, and he didn’t know at first Benghazi was a terrorist attack. It’s a smart strategy. By telling us he doesn’t know anything, he’s trying to convince us that Joe Biden is already president and we can skip the impeachment.

— Argus Hamilton

These White House scandals are not going away any time soon. I’ll tell you how bad it’s looking for President Obama: People in Kenya are now saying he’s 100 percent American.

Michelle Obama gave a commencement speech at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, “I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.” And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

President Obama gave the commencement address at Morehouse College over the weekend. Great speech, very inspiring. He told the young graduates their future is bright — unless, of course, they want jobs.

The White House admitted President Obama’s chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that’s why President Obama holds press conferences. It’s not to explain what’s going on. It’s to find out what’s going on.

White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi.

Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight — and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner.

Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn’t illegally obtain it through the Justice Department.

It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the Fifth. In fact, the White House has changed its slogan from “Yes, we can” to “No, I can’t remember.”

The latest scandal in Washington, of course, is raising questions about the IRS. You know, I have a question. Why is it called the Internal Revenue Service? How is having your money confiscated a service?

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

— Leno

President Obama’s had a rough couple of weeks with the big Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the phone tapping scandal. And now he has to replace all four “American Idol” judges.

I feel bad for Barack Obama. He’s got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he’s thinking about killing bin Laden again.

Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey.

And if SEAL Team 6 doesn’t work, he’s sending in Dennis Rodman.

– Letterman

During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement.

These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama’s chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, “Anything else you guys aren’t telling me?” And Joe Biden was like, “Uh . . . I broke the copier.”

President Obama’s team knew about the IRS scandal but kept him in the dark about it. Or as Obama put it, “Guys, when I said ‘No spoilers,’ I was just talking about ‘Game of Thrones.'”

Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves.

– Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is in a lot of hot water lately. Despite the scandals, 53 percent of Americans say they approve of the job he’s doing. The other 47 percent are being audited.

A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden.

A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack’s failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News.

Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says “I put my sleazy past behind me” like showing a video on the Internet at midnight.

– Conan


Exclusive Wiretaps Of Conversations Between 0bama and His Caddy

0bama: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”

Caddy: “Eventually, sir.”

0bama: “How do you like my game?”

Caddy: “It’s very good sir – but personally, I prefer golf.”

0bama: “Do you think my game is improving?”

Caddy: “Yes sir … you miss the ball much closer now.”

0bama: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”

Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

0bama: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”

Caddy: “I don’t think so sir . . . that would be too much of a coincidence.”

0bama: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”

Caddy: “It’s not a watch sir – it’s a compass.”

0bama: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy: “Ohhh, this would be a sin on any day.”

0bama: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”

Caddy: “But this isn’t the golf course … We left that an hour ago sir.”

0bama: “Seriously, can you see any obvious problems with my game?”
Caddy: ”Well, there’s a piece of sh*t on the end of your club.”

(0bama starts wiping the face of his club with a towel…)

Caddy: “No sir, it’s at the other end”

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