This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi blamed the sequester for keeping her from visiting the troops on Mother’s Day. Ironically, the troops credit the sequester for the same reason.
The National Weather Service is planning sequester-related furloughs. That’s not good, because Obama could really use someone to tell him which way the wind is blowing.
Kiefer Sutherland’s anti-terrorist TV series “24” will return to Fox this season. In the opening episode, Jack Bauer gets audited.
— Fred Thompson
The U.S. Embassy in Tripoli was threatened by street protests over Western presence Friday. The U.S. and Britain warned Libyan street militias to keep away. The White House described the situation as just an anti-Muslim video away from being our fault again.
President Obama reportedly ordered Hillary Clinton to clean up the Benghazi attack mess last fall. It was a direct order. The first day and second day, he didn’t see anything but on the third day the swelling was down and he was able to see a little out of his left eye.
ABC News said the White House deleted references to a terrorist attack in Benghazi last fall. It was changed to mob anger over an anti-Muslim video. President Obama has been in Hollywood so many times that his first reaction to a bad scene is to order a rewrite.
The White House issued new embassy personnel guidelines Friday. They guarantee rescue. From now on, every U.S. embassy must include a gay basketball player, an illegal alien and a woman in need of free contraception, and the Marines will be there in minutes.
The White House tried to explain changes in the Benghazi talking points Friday. The fog of war is their best defense. When President Obama was told the U.S. consulate was under attack by Muslim terrorists, he asked the next three groups if he could play through.
The IRS apologized for targeting conservative groups for agency scrutiny during last year’s election. The tax collectors targeted GOP groups and donors for audits. It left every comedian wondering if a great joke on this subject is worth all the extra paperwork.
Congress vowed to investigate the IRS after the agency apologized for targeting GOP conservative political groups and their big donors Friday. The White House can’t escape by blaming this one on Bush. This is the big leagues, they’ve got to blame this one on Nixon.
White House reporters were evacuated Saturday when the West Wing filled up with smoke. All is well now. It so happened that The King of Kings was playing on Turner Classic Movies that day, allowing President Obama to blame the fire on an anti-Muslim film.
President Obama ripped reporters questioning his administration’s handling of the Benghazi attack. It’s so simple. Benghazi was a protest against a video nobody saw that turned into an attack nobody acknowledged until it happened so long ago why bring it up?
ABC News legend Barbara Walters disclosed Monday she will retire next year. She’s been a fixture on television for fifty years. Washington D.C. immediately began buzzing with rumors as to who President Obama will appoint to take her place as host of The View.
Fox announced it has signed Kiefer Sutherland to return as U.S. agent Jack Bauer next season in 24. Public pressure is demanding the show. Americans are determined to see someone who’ll fight terrorism even if we have to pay him a million dollars an episode.
The White House fire alarm sounded Saturday, prompting reporters to evacuate the West Wing as smoke filled up the offices. There’s a simple explanation for the accident. President Obama tried to put a hard drive through the shredder and it set the desk on fire.
President Obama was grilled as the IRS admitted targeting Tea Partiers Monday. The same day the Justice Department secretly seized reporters’ phone records. It prompted a party at the Nixon Library that night that was so loud the neighbors had to call the police
The IRS apologized Friday for targeting Tea Party and conservative groups for extra scrutiny during the election last year. Tea Partiers were audited just for opposing the president. That’s what they get for being a bunch of nuts who don’t trust the government.
President Obama blamed America’s partisan gridlock on Rush Limbaugh Monday. It was a shrewd maneuver. The president could have blamed it on Mitch McConnell or John Boehner but he didn’t want to blame anyone who is going to vote on his impeachment.
The Surgeon General advised Americans who will sunbathe on Memorial Day to use sunscreen on the beach or at the pool. She said to stay covered. When the White House heard that the Surgeon General was an expert on covering up, they put her in charge of the IRS.
The White House released e-mails showing how their Benghazi story evolved during the attack. There were no surprises. The e-mails started as a CIA report about al-Qaeda attacks before they were edited into a gold miner’s analysis of Mitt Romney’s colonoscopy.
The White House issued an explanation on Benghazi Wednesday that didn’t answer who made up the anti-Muslim video story. It never made sense. You’d think as much golf as President Obama has been playing, he’d be able to tell a good lie from a bad lie by now.
USA Today reported Wednesday that liberal groups got a pass from the IRS as the IRS targeted GOP conservative groups. Hollywood took note. It appears that Lindsay Lohan was going to jail for tax evasion til she shrewdly changed her name to Obama for America.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama was down in Texas on his “Middle-class jobs and opportunity tour.” Don’t confuse that with his first term. That was the “Middle-class jobs and MISSED opportunity tour.”
While President Obama was in Texas, he told people to “Remember the Alamo and forget about Benghazi.”
I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don’t want to get audited by the IRS, so forget that.
The IRS has admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That’s why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back.
The heat wave is continuing. There are warnings this could be a long, hot summer and they are telling everyone to cover up. Believe me. You don’t have to tell the Obama White House twice. They know all about covering up.
Today the White House unveiled its latest high-tech weapon: the IRS audit.
I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, “Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.” Yeah, “Mistakes were made” — try saying THAT during your next IRS audit.
First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama’s biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.
A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.
This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it’s bad when President Obama says, “Hey, why don’t we talk about Benghazi?”
The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don’t worry. If you’re in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They’ve gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Changing the story until you believe it.”
This week will mark the 37th time House Republicans have tried to repeal Obamacare. If Republicans really wanted to do away with Obamacare they should just endorse it as a conservative non-profit and let the IRS take it down.
President Obama announced the appointment of a new acting commissioner of the IRS — the other guy was fired. See, they’re called “acting commissioner” because you have to act like the scandal doesn’t involve the White House.
A lot of critics are now comparing President Obama to President Nixon. The good news for Obama? At least he’s no longer being compared to President Carter.
It has not been a good week for President Obama. You’ve got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS.
There is a big novel out today. If you don’t know, a novel is like a blog except it is on paper and it’s all stuff that’s made up. It’s like CNN but it’s written down.
The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. The new guy is Bernie Madoff.
– Craig Ferguson
President Obama’s right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn’t like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here’s what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with.
People always say this to me: “Hey, Letterman,” they say. “Why don’t you make jokes about Obama?” All right, I’ll tell you why. I don’t make jokes about him because I don’t want the FBI tapping my phone, that’s why.
Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi — and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner.
I was outside today for a little bit. I was sweating like President Obama at a press conference.
That last joke has been seized by the Department of Justice.
On Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like Marlboro Lights.”
It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.
President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they’re saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama’s presidency. Obama was like, “How could things get worse?” And Joe Biden was like, “You rang?”
Eagles’ offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, “Audit this!” Or as the IRS said, “OK, see you tomorrow at noon.”
– Jimmy Fallon
President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. When pressed for examples, Obama said, “Uh — the ‘Iron Man’ sequel sector?”
Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, “Well, I did promise change.”
“Frankly, I don’t know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I’m not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we’re Number One. There’s no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters, and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on ‘Macbeth’. The four of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the gift of blab. You don’t know if you should condemn them for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words.”
– Columnist Burt Prelutsky, Los Angeles Times