Today’s Toons 5/6/13

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A Washington Post and ABC News poll shows 51% of Americans say having a gun in their home makes it a safer place. The other 49% said “only if it’s loaded”.

A tour for kids at California’s high-tech Jet Propulsion Laboratory has been cancelled due to the sequester cuts. Well, looks like the Museum of Cynical Bureaucrats is still up and running.

Washington state’s governor signed a law that replaces the “sexist” word “penmanship” with “handwriting”. How about replacing “governor” with “person of misplaced priorities”.

NBC says it’s planning a 12-day-long, around-the-clock quiz show to air this fall. Hey… that sounds like a great format for the next Benghazi hearings.

This year, the government will spend at least $890,000 on service fees for 13,712 bank accounts with a zero balance. Leave it to the government to find a way to make being broke cost money.

When Ed Henry mentioned Obamacare at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, a loud cheer went up. Mostly, I assume, from people who’ve gotten waivers from it.

A new study shows that Los Angeles has the worst traffic in the nation. I’m guessing mostly on the roads heading out of the state.

Gitmo is on lockdown as most of the detainees have gone on hunger strike. Huh. Maybe they shouldn’t have put Michelle Obama in charge of the menu.

Congress is preparing to take action on a bipartisan proposal to raise taxes on flu vaccines. And for those who don’t get the shot, a tax on chicken soup.

— Fred Thompson

Milton Berle’s joke file will be auctioned, comprising tens of thousands of jokes on three-by-five cards. He compiled them for eighty years. Bill Clinton just bid a million dollars for all the farmer’s daughter jokes just to keep Hillary from finding out about them.

New York’s Anthony Weiner said there may be more sex texts and intimate photos of himself out there that he sent to women admirers. It’s a new world. Anthony Weiner is the first politician ever to launch a major political campaign on a promise of lewd conduct.

Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaav’s friends said Tuesday he became radicalized after he turned to Islam and stopped smoking pot. Reaction was swift. The CIA has determined that the best way to fight radical Islam is to replace the missiles on our drones with marijuana cookies.

A House investigation on Benghazi Tuesday found Hillary Clinton failed to protect the Libyan consulate from the attack. It also says President Obama lied to cover up the negligence. The siege lasted for seven hours or, as the president calls it, thirty-six holes.

Bill Clinton spoke at the Bush Library opening Thursday. He joked that he’s so close to the Bushes he’s become the black sheep son of the family. It wasn’t enough for Bill Clinton to be the first black U.S. president, now he has to be the first black in the Bush family.

Russia’s intelligence agency said Thursday it warned the CIA last year about Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s terrorist associations while in Russia. Now Congress wants to toughen the no-fly list. Asking the terrorists to be on the honor system hasn’t been working.

The Federal Reserve Bank in Washington D.C. introduced the new one-hundred-dollar bill Thursday complete with Ben Franklin’s portrait on it plus dozens of new security features. It was time to bring out a new one-hundred-dollar bill. China’s got all the old ones.

Bill Clinton made his debut on Twitter on Wednesday. He is not really in safe hands with technology. If you think the Secret Service protects the president, the U.S. Office of Patents delayed approval of the cell phone camera until Bill Clinton was safely out of office.

Russia’s security service confirmed Friday it warned Homeland Security about Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev ahead of time. The Chechen terrorist didn’t show up in the database as a threat. He was not a card-carrying member of the Tea Party or the NRA.

Janet Napolitano was grilled in Congress after Homeland Security ignored warnings about Tamerlan Tsarnaev. It was all there. You might suspect a political asylum seeker is a foreign-trained terrorist if after he’s granted asylum, he goes back home for six months.

President Obama was hilarious at the Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday. He kidded about being a socialist, a narcissist and being born outside the U.S. He’s getting it all out there so when Bob Woodward releases his next book the president can say it’s all old news.

The GAO issued a report Monday saying President Obama spent twice as much time playing golf and vacationing as he did attending meetings on the economy. There’s been some improvement. The economy is stalled but the president is regularly breaking eighty.

Bill Clinton released a statement saluting NBA player Jason Collins for coming out as gay Monday. The media ate it up. Being a Democrat means believing Jason Collins’s sex life is everybody’s business while insisting that Bill Clinton’s sex life was nobody’s business.

The Boston Herald said the Tsarnaev family receved one hundred thousand dollars in welfare in cash, food stamps and subsidized housing. The Tsarnaevs ruined it for everybody. Deserving families can no longer use their EBT cards for fertilizer and fuses.

The Justice Department told Americans not to profile Muslims after radical Islamists bombed Boston. The administration keeps radical Islamists shielded behind political correctness. It is simply racist to single them out as long as they don’t use assault weapons.

Barack Obama said Tuesday he didn’t know if his government is trying to silence U.S. eyewitnesses to the Benghazi attack. He is on overload. When you know everything about health care, immigration, taxes, hip-hop and oil pipelines who’s got time to watch Fox News?

President Obama said Tuesday he’s going to try to close down Guantanamo prison in Cuba. He admitted he’s not sure how. The best idea is to declare Gitmo a small business and require it to comply with ObamaCare, and in six months it will be a Goodwill Thrift Shop.

Mexico’s government said Tuesday it will ask President Obama for more legal jobs for Mexicans going to America and fewer deportations. They have a willing partner. President Obama is in Mexico to celebrate his favorite annual holiday, Sinko de Economy.

The Pentagon agreed to a meeting requested by anti-Christian Mike Weinstein about proselytizing. He urged the Army to court-martial any soldier who mentions Jesus Christ. As a child who grew up in the Midwest he was a Lions fan, especially after he saw The Robe.

The White House said it won’t silence any Benghazi attack victims from testifying in Congress. They were attacked by al-Qaeda and the White House called it a spontaneous protest against an anti-Muslim film. We all kidded George W. Bush’s inability to pronounce nuclear, but every time Barack Obama tries to say Islamic radicals he pronounces it NRA.

— Argus Hamilton

The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that’s OK.

Do we really need a newly designed $100 bill? Hey, in this economy, most people don’t even remember what the old one looked like, all right?

President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence.

Martha Stewart told Matt Lauer on the “Today” show that she is looking for a man on You would think it’d be easy for someone like Martha Stewart, but it is not. It’s tough for her. A lot of guys don’t want to get involved with an ex-con.

The U.S. government apparently spent millions of dollars in cash to fund various dubious government projects in Afghanistan — including solar panels and wind farms that never work. No, I’m sorry. That’s what we did here. I had it backwards.

President Obama is in Mexico. He’ll be on hand to celebrate Mexico’s economic successes over the last few years. See, that’s how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country.

While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they’ve got it down. That’s like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage.

Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The Treasury secretary meets once a month with the president — and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.

— Leno

We have a new $100 bill. How many folks have seen a $100 bill lately? I haven’t seen one since the ’70s.

– Letterman

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer had shoulder surgery for an injury after he fell off his bike. It happened when the justice drifted a little too far to the left.

– Conan

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