Today’s Toons 4/15/13

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The Department of Homeland Security defended their large ammo purchases saying that they buy in bulk to “significantly lower costs”. That’s true. Now try it with fence-construction materials.

In New York, 6 highly-placed politicians are accused of using bribery to rig this year’s New York City mayoral race. Even worse, Rahm Emanuel’s now suing them for intellectual property theft.

Hillary Clinton is penning a memoir, fueling speculation that she’ll run for President in 2016. Don’t know about you, but I’ve already pre-ordered my copy of “What Does It Matter?: The Hillary Clinton Story”.

The Obama administration plans to change the way the United States distributes its international food aid. Now, to get a bag of rice, you have to do one hour of aerobics with the First Lady.

When asked if he’d be willing to take a pay cut to show support for furloughed government workers, Eric Holder said “I’m not sure I’m ready for that”. Oddly, that’s also his answer to “are you going to do your job?”.

WikiLeaks has just released 1.7 million US diplomatic and intelligence reports covering every country in the world. Guess they didn’t want to be behind the Times.

A new report shows that New York City lawmakers lavished their staffs with more than $500,000 in taxpayer-funded bonus pay at the end of 2012. Didn’t help them any. Everything they wanted to spend it on was banned.

— Fred Thompson

John Kerry declared he will donate five percent of his salary to charity as a sacrifice for the sequester budget cuts. He’s worth two hundred million dollars. For five percent of his Secretary of State’s salary to hurt him he would have had to marry Dionne Warwick.

President Obama missed twenty out of twenty-two free throws at the Easter Egg Roll Monday. His ESPN critics didn’t understand. Obama wasn’t shooting free throws, he was paying tribute to Shaquille O’Neal on the day that his jersey was retired at the Staples Center.

The White House on Monday proclaimed April to be Personal Finance Responsibility Month. The Obama administration put together a website intended to teach children how to manage budgets responsibly. It looks like another case of those who cannot do, teach.

A federal judge ordered Friday that the morning-after birth control pill be available over-the-counter to women without a prescription. It must be available to girls of all ages. The morning-after pill now comes in four shapes and sizes–Fred, Wilma, Barney and Betty.

Michelle Obama slipped during an interview with CBS Friday and referred to herself as a single working mother. That’s how she feels. She was married when the interview began, and then she heard what her husband said about the Attorney General of California.

President Obama called California’s Attorney General Kamala Harris the best-looking attorney general in America. It’s bad. Joe Biden may be in charge of the war with North Korea becuse Human Resources just ordered President Obama to sensitivity training class.

President Obama got into hot water Friday for calling California’s Kamala Harris the best-looking attorney general in America at a San Francisco dinner. It was a party fundraiser. It turned out to be a fundraiser to buy Michelle a new pair of diamond earrings.

Beyonce and Jay-Z were seen strolling through Havana this week, prompting a lot of Americans to urge an end to the U.S. travel ban to the island. Cuba has sugar, rum, and the world’s finest cigars. New Yorkers are swimmimg there to get away from Mayor Bloomberg.

Hillary Clinton was given a fourteen million dollar advance Sunday to write a book about her time as Secretary of State. The book will obviously be ghost-written. The publishers are negotiating with Vince Foster and four other deceased witnesses to write it.

Jackie Robinson is memorialized in the new movie Forty-Two, about how he integrated Major League Baseball. After he retired from baseball, he became a staunch Richard Nixon supporter. Apparently, he got addicted to being the first black man to do everything.

— Argus Hamilton

While at a fundraiser, President Obama called California’s attorney general, Kamala Harris, “the best-looking attorney general ever.” after the comment, the Secret Service added extra security to protect the president from first lady Michelle.

Today the president apologized for those remarks. And of course he had to apologize to Vice President Joe Biden because it’s Joe’s job to say stupid stuff that embarrasses the White House.

Here’s something I didn’t know. When Vice President Biden and President Obama meet for lunch at the White House, the chef goes out of his way to personalize their meals. For example, Biden’s lunch always comes with a toy.

It’s starting to get serious — China has warned North Korea about starting a war. China told them flat out, “Do not fire any missiles at the United States at least until after we get our money. They owe us $16 trillion. Wait until then.”

Some experts believe North Korea has a missile that could reach Los Angeles. And of course, if North Korea did attack Los Angeles, that would start a war with Mexico. The whole thing would escalate.

According to The Wall Street Journal’s website, Anthony Weiner may run for mayor of New York City. Their website said that Mr. Weiner didn’t respond to an email seeking comment. Hey, Anthony Weiner didn’t email or text you back? Consider yourself lucky!

Last night President Obama hosted Republican senators for dinner at the White House. The president said he had to do without salt, pepper, and butter — because as you know, the Republicans refuse to pass anything.

North Korean officials reportedly are planning a cyberattack on the U.S. in an effort to bring our economy to a halt. Nice try, guys. You’re five years too late.

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans would vote for Ronald Reagan for president right now over Barack Obama. In fact, in the last election 58 percent of the people in Florida DID vote for Ronald Reagan.

A long list of celebrities and musicians have signed a letter to President Obama asking him to ease the nation’s drug enforcement policy. Hollywood celebrities and musicians want the president to ease our drug laws — it’s always the people you least expect.

— Leno

South Korean officials today say they’re highly confident that North Korea will launch a medium-range missile any time now. Which I guess means Dennis Rodman failed.

– Jimmy Kimmel

During a fundraiser, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California’s Kamala Harris, quote, “the best-looking attorney general in the country.” Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, “Well, here’s another one: What’s black and white and sleeps on the couch?”

President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best-looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle.

There’s this trend now of politicians cutting their salaries by 5 percent because of budget cuts — except for Vice President Joe Biden. He won’t do it. Though in fairness, it’ll take Biden at least a month to figure out what 5 percent of his salary is.

This week on the “Today” show, Chelsea Clinton said she’s open to running for political office one day. When she heard that, Sasha Obama was like, “Cool. How does secretary of state sound?”

– Jimmy Fallon


As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Ted is such an inspirational person…

Quote from Ted: “I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you old folks do now that you’re retired?’ Well, I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and Jack Daniel’s into urine. Then I pee on a photo of Obama, I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Ted is an inspiration to all…


A lawyer, an illegal alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks… “What’ll it be, Mr. President?”

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