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China’s military is expanding its unmanned aerial vehicle forces with a new Predator-like armed drone and a new unmanned combat aircraft. Guess they’re making sure they can collect when they try cashing in their Treasury Bonds.
Kathleen Sebelius finally admitted in a press conference that some people “could see their rates increase” under Obamacare. The rest of them won’t see it coming.
A man was awarded $8,000 by Disneyland after the “It’s A Small World” ride broke down, stranding him for a half hour while the theme song played over and over. Imagine how much he’d get if he got stuck at a White House press conference.
A new poll shows that only 12% say the sequester cuts have had a major impact on them personally. Mostly Obama speechwriters who specialize in making up overwrought tales of woe.
An analysis by USA Today found the federal government fired only one half of one percent of its workers in fiscal year 2011 – one-fifth the rate of the private sector. They need to fire the guy who does the firing.
President Obama has proclaimed April “National Financial Capability Month,” during which his administration will do things such as teach young people “how to budget responsibly.” No word on their original idea – having the Rutgers basketball coach head up Anger Management Month.
Cook County Illinois has instituted a $25 tax on every handgun purchased. If they really need money, they should try a $25 tax on every fraudulent vote cast.
Scientists have developed a swarm of robots that have been trained to cluster together and fetch or carry objects. Well, I guess now there’ll be no need for all those new Obamacare IRS collection agents.
President Obama made a speech in Miami touting American infrastructure while standing in front of a crane made in China. His next speech: bragging about creating jobs in front of an unemployment line.
— Fred Thompson
Grammy Award-winning legend Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy in Los Angeles Wednesday. She listed twenty-five thousand dollars in assets and ten million dollars in debts. She needs a good lawyer or she could serve one to three years as Treasury Secretary.
Jay Leno was insulted by NBC execs who suggested he retire Friday. He’s pummeling Obama with his jokes every night and he’s winning the race for the most younger viewers. He’s being replaced under the shoot-the-messenger provision of the National Security Act.
Ashley Judd announced she will not run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky Friday. It gets sadder. The next day Mitch McConnell announced he will not audition for the role of the kidnapped fashion model in the upcoming screwball comedy, Hey Hey in the Hayloft.
Joe Biden surprised diners in New York Thursday when he popped into a restaurant unannounced for breakfast. He shared his dessert with people at the next table. The vice president had no idea Mayor Bloomberg has a city-wide ban ban on dessert after breakfast.
Joe Biden went on his third vacation in three months Friday as President Obama’s girls flew from the Bahamas to Sun Valley and Michelle returned to the White House from Aspen. They needed it. Accusing the Republicans of doing nothing can be exhausting work.
President Obama told reporters Thursday that his NCAA tournament brackets were completely busted. The president sighed and said they may have been the worst picks he ever made. This means the President’s Council of Economic Advisors has lost the crown.
Hollywood director Rob Reiner was the first in line to enter the Supreme Court’s gay marriage debate Wednesday. He got a poor person to hold his place in line for twenty hours. All Reiner had to do was read his screenplay and promise him a path to citizenship.
Rasmussen Poll said the number of Americans who believe in Jesus’ resurrection fell thirteen percent last year. He lost thirteen points in one year. Jesus never should have hired Mitt Romney’s campaign consultant to help him win in his race against lust and sloth.
The Pentagon sent the USS John McCain into the Pacific to the waters off the Korean peninsula Monday. It’s capable of intercepting a missile in case North Korea fires one. The John McCain can also bring illegal immigrants from the Korean peninsula to California.
President Obama named April as National Financial Responsibility Month. He wants young people to learn how to budget. In a related story, President Obama told everyone not to sweat the unemployment rate because the depression is covered under ObamaCare.
The White House admitted Friday that ObamaCare is causing health insurance costs to rise. They had promised that the costs would go down and you could still keep your doctor. Unfortunately your doctor has retired but you still have plenty of choices, like in Los Angeles, where you can get the drugs you need from either the Crips or the Bloods.
Washington Business Monthly reported a real estate survey Monday which said that Washington D.C. is the least afffordable city in America. That’s misleading. It takes a lot of money to live in Washington D.C. but most of it is borrowed from China and never paid back.
President Obama agreed to shoot free throws in front of the kids at the White House Easter Egg Roll Monday. In front of everybody he missed twenty out of twenty-two free throws. That night, he was demoted from Commander-in-Chief to Washington General.
Louisville Slugger announced Monday this year’s Major League bats will be made out of harder wood to reduce splintering. Not all the teams will use them. The Yankees and the Mets will be limited to tee-ball bats under sixteen ounces by order of Mayor Bloomberg.
North Korea’s leader Kim Jung Un threatened to obliterate Los Angeles, Washington D.C. and Austin, Texas with a nuclear missile attack last Friday. The attack would destroy Hollywood, disable the U.S. government, and wipe out the only liberal city in Texas. Kim Jung Un sent up a satellite in March and the only channel that comes in clearly is Fox News.
President Obama declared April Personal Financial Responsibility Month. he wants to share the secret he just discovered of how to stop spending and live within a budget. The Republicans believe it’s an Easter miracle and Democrats think it’s an April Fools joke.
President Obama was subjected to an Easter sermon where the preacher ripped the GOP for being racist, anti-woman, anti-gay, and anti-immigrant. Everyone felt badly for him. The whole idea behind an Easter vacation is to get away from your day-to-day routine.
Hillary Clinton was hired by the National Multi-Housing Corporation to give her first paid speech. She’s in demand. During the playoffs, the NBA doesn’t want their stars to foul out, so they’re hiring Hillary to teach a seminar for the refs on how to look the other way.
The Associated Press removed the phrase illegal immigrant from its style-book this week. The editors feel the label is stigmatizing. From now on, all Associated Press reports will simply refer to an illegal immmigrant as a person diagnosed with Happy Feet.
President Obama missed twenty of twenty-two free throws Monday at the Easter Egg Roll. He feels awful. He knows he’s going to be at the opening of the Bush Presidential Library in three weeks and everybody is going to tell him that Dick Cheney is a better shot.
The White House sannounced that the president will return five percent of his salary to the U.S. government to share the sacrifice in the sequester budget cuts. He’s paying seventeen hundred a month back to the Treasury. At this rate he’ll reimburse us for what he spent on family vacations but only if he’s president for another twenty-three years.
— Argus Hamilton
Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, 65 years old today. But sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.
The Associated Press, the largest newsgathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term “illegal immigrant.” That is out. They will now use the phrase “undocumented Democrat.” video
Former President George Bush has invited President Obama to the opening of his presidential library later this month. President Obama said he’s looking forward to going through the library to see if there was anything else he could blame Bush for.
The White House has now put together a website for kids. It’s a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called Irony.gov
President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget nine weeks after its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, “Yeah, yeah. I ate the first draft. I know the drill.”
Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, “That guy needs to learn how to shoot.”
President Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama — one minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.
This week, President Obama announced a $100 million initiative to map the human brain. Joe Biden said, “You can map mine for a lot less.”
– Jimmy Fallon