Today’s Toons 4/1/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Chicago is already making plans to build the Obama Presidential Library. It’ll have a special section on Benghazi full of nothing but locked doors.

A hacker broke into Hillary Clinton’s email and has started distributing the confidential memos he found there. Wonder if Hillary’s response will be “what does it matter?”

Liberal actor Morgan Freeman recently bragged on the Tonight Show that “if I want to” he can get the president on the phone. Meanwhile, everyone else is just looking for a way to get him off our backs.

A new report shows that PETA killed 90% of the dogs & cats placed in its animal shelter. President Obama, though, was quick to praise the organization because at least they didn’t waterboard.

A new bill proposes that federal employees who don’t pay their taxes be fired. Makes sense. They can’t ALL be promoted to Treasury Secretary.

A new report shows that Obamacare could increase health insurance premiums by 200 percent. It’s the “A-Ford-able Care Act” – your insurance costs as much as a new Explorer.

A retiring California County Administrator will reportedly be paid $423,664 a year for the rest of her life. Or until all the productive taxpayers move out of the state.

The 61-page online Obamacare draft application for health care includes asking if the applicant wants to register to vote. Of course, in Chicago, that doesn’t kick in until after a panel’s given you the thumbs down.

— Fred Thompson

President Obama’s limo conked out in Jerusalem Wednesday en route to a tense press conference. Once there he exchanged insults with Israel’s prime minister. President Obama had a bad time in Jerusalem but then so did the last guy claiming to be the messiah.

President Obama gave his Final Four NCAA picks on ESPN Thursday. He picked Ohio State, Louisville, Indiana, and Florida. They’re all thrilled because they think this means the president’s political machine will turn out and find a way to make sure they win.

Joe Biden struck again Tuesday, telling an anti-gun rally that Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot and mortally wounded. She’s alive and speaking out against guns. A key aspect of Joe Biden’s entertainment value is that he could trip over a cordless phone.

The Bible mini-series introduced Satan Monday and the actor who plays Satan looks just like Barack Obama. The series producer apologized for the casting resemblance. The next day Satan went on the Rush Limbaugh Show and accepted the producer’s apology.

Fox Network’s chairman said Friday it’d love to hire Jay Leno to host a late-night show at eleven o’clock on Fox’s two hundred stations. He has what they like at Fox. Jay tells Barack Obama jokes without flinching and he has twenty years of Hillary jokes in the bank.

The U.S. Senate debated immigration reform Friday as guest worker permits ran into furious union opposition. It could get ugly. The unions vowed to stage massive street protests but they lack the manpower so they may have to hire guest picketers from Mexico.

President Obama was forced out of his helicopter by high desert winds Friday so he had to be driven from Jerusalem down to Bethlehem. It wasn’t his only travel option. The president could have just hopped on one of his drones and been there in four minutes.

Joe Biden’s travel bills revealed he stopped off in Paris and London on the way home from Rome. The hotel bills cost U.S. taxpayers five hundred thousand dollars in each city, but no one’s angry. Americans have always felt that a great comedian is worth every penny.

Cyprus made plans to seize forty percent of every bank account with over a hundred thousand Euros in it. They’ve never had a seizure of private property like this before. Cyprus made a colossal mistake last week when they agreed to become our fifty-first state.

President Obama’s daughter enjoyed spring break in the Bahamas. Michelle’s just been to Aspen and Biden just did Rome, Paris and London. The sequester cuts don’t affect their travels because they bought time shares during the first year of the first term.

President Obama spoke at a naturalization ceremony in Washington Monday which included U.S. service members and civilians. It was emotional. The president got a huge round of applause and then everyone congratulated him on becoming an American citizen.

Senate Republicans were joined by seventeen Senate Democrats Monday in a budget amendment that endorsed the Keystone oil pipeline. It’s an old math formula. The closer you are to your next election the less in favor you are of four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline.

The Supreme Court debated a California law banning gay marriage on Monday. It felt like old news. The legal world appears ready to tackle new taboos, the way the White House is always bragging about the Supreme Court having three women at the same time.

Jim Carrey mocked gun owners and Charlton Heston in a video spoof Friday. No one could believe he was mocking Charlton Heston during Easter and Passover. He’s out to prove you can get killed for religious expression without mentioning the Prophet Mohammed.

The Weekly Standard cited the Obamas for taking a vacation a month since the year started. They went to Hawaii in January, then he went to Florida while Michelle went to Aspen in February, now she’s back in Aspen and the daughters are in the Bahamas. It turns out they cancelled the White House tours so that no one would see that the house is empty.

North Korea’s Kim Jung-Un threatened the West Coast Tuesday and that night Jay Leno told three jokes about President Obama. Everything’s moving forward. When the Pentagon made contingency plans to fight a two-front war, they didn’t know it would require firing a comic and loading the Tonight Show in a C-130 and moving it to New York.

— Argus Hamilton

It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much “not done” at home as they get “not done” in Washington.

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do?

Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies.

— Leno

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano — the person in charge of our national security — recently said she doesn’t email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something — because there’s literally no other way she’ll get the message.

North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, “Can’t believe I’m doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.”

– Jimmy Fallon

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