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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi “clarified” that “tax cuts are spending”. Sure, and a bank making a loan is the same as it getting robbed.
Testifying before the Judiciary Committee, Dianne Feinstein weirdly said “it’s legal to hunt humans” with high-capacity magazines. Dianne… “The Hunger Games” wasn’t a documentary.
An undercover TSA inspector with an improvised explosive device stuffed in his pants got past two security screenings at Newark Airport. I’m sure they would’ve caught it if he’d been disguised as an 80-year-old woman in a wheelchair.
A bill in the California legislature would ban the use of lead in ammunition for “environmental” reasons. I’d read the bill, but my mercury-filled CFL-bulb isn’t bright enough.
On ABC, House Speaker John Boehner says he “absolutely” trusts President Obama. Anyone else know that story about the frog and the scorpion that ends “it’s my nature”?
During a Senate Committee meeting, Democrat Senator Elizabeth Warren said the nation’s minimum wage should be $22 an hour. Not sure how that helps the 7.7% for whom the minimum wage is now zero.
— Fred Thompson
Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on the sale of sugary drinks over sixteen ounces was struck down by a New York judge. There’s no way they could enforce it. It’s not like the U.S. govenment has thousands of aircraft flying overhead recording everything you do on camera.
Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergolio was elected pope Wednesday, becoming the first Latin American pope in history as Pope Francis I. No one saw it coming. For the second time in four months, Karl Rove went on Fox News and said he underestimated the Hispanic vote.
The White House announced that President Obama’s date at the state dinner in his honor next week in Israel will be Miss Israel. She’s an Ethiopian Israeli beauty queen. Until now no one knew that Michelle Obama was planning to be the next Senator from New York.
Hillary Clinton reversed herself and came out in favor of same-sex marriage Monday night. Her endorsement could scare gays out of getting married. They’re liable to think if they marry they can’t get divorced no matter how great the degree of public humiliation.
The Bible mini-series Sunday introduced the character of Satan who tempts Jesus in the wilderness. The devil is a dead ringer for Barack Obama. He tempted Jesus with an IRS audit if he didn’t stop infringing on the government’s exclusive right to heal people.
Anthony Weiner was reported mulling a run for N.Y. Mayor Monday. He quit Congress after texting crotch photos of himself to women. The only reason Hillary has a chance of becoming president is because Bill didn’t have a cell phone camera when he was president.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg appealed a judge’s ruling against his ban on large sugary drinks in Manhattan. He’s restricted alcohol, cigarettes and even baby formula. Mayor Mike Bloomberg believes that life is like a box of chocolates, and you can’t have any.
Cyprus agreed to seize ten percent of the money in all Cyprus bank accounts to avoid bankruptcy. It’s an outrageous seizure of private property. The White House issued a statement immediately saying that President Obama is always looking for fresh new ideas.
The U.S. Senate tried to save the Senate barber shop from being eliminated in the new budget bill Tuesday. Critics note the Senate barber shop lost three hundred and fifty thousand dollars last year. That makes it the most profitable agency in the U.S. government.
— Argus Hamilton
A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She’s now been given a job at the White House as President Obama’s economic adviser.
The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.
The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They’ll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: “You can do that?”
A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic. They are just not Americans.
The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel’s “The Bible” looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, “How can you do that to Satan?”
During his visit to Israel today, President Obama’s limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: “Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?”
– Jimmy Fallon
We all remember when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, Consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket”. It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken sh*t.