This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
At a press conference, Nancy Pelosi “clarified” that “tax cuts are spending”. Sure, and a bank making a loan is the same as it getting robbed.
Joe Biden said that President Obama “is not bluffing” when he said he was willing to use military force to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapon. That’s true. Technically it’s not a “bluff” if no one believes you.
On MSNBC, Time Magazine’s executive editor said we’re all “socialists from the day we’re born”. And like diapers, most of us grow out of it.
China’s new leader Xi Jinping has declared a ban on extravagant expenditures by members of the National People’s Congress. Thank goodness we’ve got Obama to pick up their slack.
In New York, a judge struck down Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks as “arbitrary and capricious.” Bloomberg’s next move: banning words of 3 or more syllables.
Mayor Bloomberg’s latest crusade is warning people about the dangers of listening to their iPods too loud. Well, how else are people supposed to drown out his incessant nagging?
At a Senate hearing, Eric Holder said that the federal government “has no intention” of carrying out drone strikes in America. Eric, there’s a reason the Constitution never uses the phrase “Congress shall have no intention”.
A DC weatherman was forced to sit in a corner after making a horribly inaccurate forecast. Now you know why Obama works in an Oval Office.
A group of sixth graders in Waverly, Iowa, created a video begging President Obama not to cancel their White House tour. Susan Rice immediately blamed it for causing White House staffers to riot.
Jay Carney said the White House Easter Egg Roll is still on as scheduled despite sequestration cuts. However, to save money, the eggs will be replaced by brightly-painted, slightly used golf balls.
A Connecticut Democrat took NASCAR to task for letting the NRA sponsor one of its races. Well, don’t know that “Gun Control 500” would sell as many tickets.
Police in New York City are investigating reports of an unmanned drone spotted flying over the city. Looks like Bloomberg’s gonna enforce his large soda ban after all.
Researchers are developing a new drug that “could help humans live to be 150”. Or until the Democrats pass a budget, whichever comes first.
— Fred Thompson
U.S. forces captured Osama bin Laden’s son-in-law Suleiman Abu Ghaith and flew him to the U.S.. The guy is lucky. President Obama usually orders drone strikes to kill top al-Qaeda leaders but he gave it up for Lent in a desperate attempt to get himself elected pope.
President Obama dined with twelve GOP senators at a D.C. hotel Wednesday. The next day he lunched with GOP House Budget chairman Paul Ryan. After six hours of dinner meetings with Republicans they got him to agree that using the belly putter isn’t really golf.
Smith and Wesson reported record profits after gun owners bought all the guns they could after President Obama threatened gun rights. There’s intense lobbying going on. If President Obama will just threaten to ban the electric car it could save the Chevy Volt.
Hollywood star Ashley Judd was reported set to run for the U.S. Senate in Kentucky as a Democrat next year. She has appeared nude in three movies and filmed one lesbian love scene. Usually it’s the nude photos that end your career in the U.S. Senate, not launch it.
John McCain called Rand Paul wacko for his filibuster against drones Friday. They’re both GOP. John’s jealous because Rand went thirteen hours without going to the bathroom, and McCain’s up six times a night and has a seat in the Senate that’s close to the door.
Bill Clinton wrote a piece Friday saying he’s changed his mind on same-sex marriage since he signed the Defense of Marriage Act as president. No one expects him to be consistent. To be fair, when Bill Clinton was president he was opposed to his own marriage.
President Obama enjoyed steak and potatoes with twelve GOP senators Wednesday at a highly-publicized dinner at the Jefferson Hotel’s four-star restaurant. Sometimes you feel for the guy. President Obama has to pretend that he’s a fair-minded leader who’s willing to seek bi-partisan solutions just to escape Michelle’s healthy menus for one night.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ban on large sugary drinks was blocked from going into effect on Tuesday. Under the law, it would be illegal in New York to be in possession of a soft drink cup that is sixteen ounces or larger. If they catch you it’s a fifty-dollar fine, the same as murder.
Falkland Islanders voted fifteen hundred to three to stay part of Britain Sunday. The vote was amazing. Queen Elizabeth is so popular the GOP could have nominated her for president last year and with one Photoshopped birth certificate, she’d have gotten elected.
Ohio Democratic poll worker Melowese Richardson was charged Monday with voter fraud. She was listed voting six times for Barack Obama in the November election. She was eight short of her quota so she’s being thrown to the wolves as a warning to the others.
Michelle Obama’s financial statements were hacked on Equifax this week along with the credit rating of other public figures. It’s revealing to see her personal checkbook. It turns out she’s sixteen trillion dollars in debt and that doesn’t count the last two vacations.
— Argus Hamilton
In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman.
A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead.
We’re learning more about the dead Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in a personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth.
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
How would the government try to enforce something like that? It’s not like Obama’s got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras.
– Craig Ferguson
There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama’s second term. Though you know it’s bad when world leaders are like, “Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?”
With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you’re spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy.
– Jimmy Fallon
Sad Day for Skier Lindsey Vonn:
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S.President Barack Obama.
Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever taken a country downhill faster than he has.