This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
I think the Pope is on to something. What ABOUT term limits?
During a speech in Germany, John Kerry said that Americans “have a right to be stupid”. Yeah, but they don’t have a right to elective office.
Guntersville, Alabama, Mayor Leigh Dollar is working to pass an ordinance that would give police the power to “disarm individuals” during a disaster. Mayor… disarmed individuals is usually how disasters start.
Scientists say the vast majority of the Earth’s estimated 13 million species are still unknown and it’ll take 2000 years to find them all. Good. Just in time for the Democrats’ next budget.
A recent telephone survey shows that 6% of Americans rate the media as “very trustworthy”. Huh. I didn’t know padded cells had phones.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said that the sequester cutbacks were giving her an “out of body experience”. No, it’s a “out of money experience”. People who live within their means get it all the time.
On the House floor, Nancy Pelosi explained “sequestration equals unemployment”. So…we’ve been sequestered the whole time Obama’s been in office?
President Obama gave Republicans a “meeting” on the sequester – that lasted all of 7 minutes. Still more time than he spent protecting the Benghazi consulate.
A new poll shows that 86% of Americans believe that individuals make their own success. Coincidentally, that’s about the tax rate Obama thinks they should pay for it.
Rand Paul gave a 13-hour filibuster asking whether Obama can order drone strikes on American soil. I guess the answer is “no”, since the Senate building is still standing.
— Fred Thompson
The White House issued Pope Benedict a farewell message Thursday on the pontiff’s retirement. All is forgiven. Barack Obama had a theological argument with the pope in Rome two years ago and they disagreed sharply over the issue of presidential infallibility.
Joe Biden advised women who suspect an intruder to fire their shotguns through the front door. Be sure it’s an intruder. You don’t want to spend the rest of the night picking through the pizza you ordered guessing what’s pepper and what’s buckshot.
Homeland Security warned that budget cuts will reduce the effectiveness of border control. It’s a jump ball. Republicans think effectiveness means fewer illegal aliens while Democrats measure effectiveness by the number of voters registered per linear mile of border.
President Obama warned Thursday that the automatic budget cuts scheduled Friday will result in delayed flights and long lines at airport security. It could affect public safety. The cuts could reduce the TSA inspectors to groping just one breast and one testicle.
Washington Post’s Bob Woodward told CNN the White House threatened him after he pointed out that the sequestration cuts were Obama’s idea two years ago. The president doesn’t understand the situation. Everybody in Washington knows what Bob Woodward can do to a president except a twelve-year-old boy who was living in Indonesia at the time.
Ford, Chrysler and GM reported a big gain in car sales in February. They said it’s due to an improving real estate market. Americans who lived in abandoned Fords for the last four years have moved up in the world, and now they are living in abandoned Lincolns.
President Obama warned that U.S. Capitol janitors face pay cuts and furloughs Friday. However a Capitol building administrator said the president is dead wrong. So even with all the job losses we know there’ll soon be an opening for a Capitol building administrator.
Cook County Supervisors added an extra one-dollar tax on cigarettes Friday, making cigarettes eleven dollars a pack in Chicago. The world has officially gone mad. Leave it to Democrats to tax cigarettes until they’re so expensive it makes crack cost-effective.
GOP former governor Jeb Bush hinted in an NBC interview Sunday he might run for president in three years. Both parties are tired of holding elections. The Democrats want Obama to be the president forever and the Republicans want a hereditary monarchy.
President Obama signed the sequestration cuts into law which cut the rate of future spending by two percent but didn’t cut any current spending at all. It’s an interesting approach to cutting the budget deficit. It’s like trying to lose weight by eating slightly more.
The White House retreated Sunday and said sequester cuts won’t be as bad as they’d warned. How could things be worse? After one day Queen Elizabeth was in the hospital, the pope is out of a job, and America’s only defense against North Korea is Dennis Rodman.
The U.S. Navy announced Monday it’ll stop halting drug shipments headed for the U.S. due to the sequestration cuts. The day before, the IRS said it’ll lay off collection agents. They’re going to have to do better than this if they want Americans to agree to higher taxes.
The FAA reported no major flight delays Monday as the threatened apocalypse from budget cuts never happened. They may have scared everybody away from traveling. It was so slow at L.A. Airport that TSA agents were gripping grapefruits just to stay in practice.
White House press secretary Jay Carney denied Monday that donors can meet with President Obama for five hundred grand. He said any notion that there is a set price to meet with the president is just wrong. In other words, no reasonable offer will be refused.
Homeland Security officials celebrated the agency’s tenth birthday on Monday. They wound up having a break-even day. They detained a young bearded Arab man who unsuccessfully tried to sneak into the United States and they freed two thousand Mexicans who succeeded.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez died after a long battle with cancer Tuesday. Under normal protocol a U.S. president would attend the funeral of a South American leader who died in office. However, due to the sequestration cuts, we are flying Dennis Rodman there coach.
Hugo Chavez was lionized by the left Tuesday although his country is suffering from unemployment, high taxes, and fleeing industries. His Hollywood admirers enjoy one major consolation. Hugo Chavez’s legacy will forever live on in the California state tax code.
Kenya’s government called its first election in six years Sunday, prompting President Obama’s half-brother to announce he’s running for office. He was born in Kenya and had never held office before. The half-brother, on the other hand, has some actual experience.
The White House canceled all tours of the president’s home due to the sequestration budget cuts. The cuts are painful. This year for the NCAA basketball tournament, President Obama will only be permmitted to bracket thirty-two teams instead of sixty-four.
The TSA spent fifty million dollars on new uniforms on Monday before the sequester budget cuts could stop them. It’s exasperating.The TSA just okayed knives on airplanes because they know another terrorist attack’s the only way they will get their funding back.
Congressman Lou Gohmert wrote a bill to de-fund President Obama’s golf outings to help balance the budget. It’s the wrong approach. If President Obama had to use a coin-operated golf ball dispenser at every water hazard, we’d balance the budget in two weeks.
The Los Angeles election Tuesday gave voters a choice of electing their first female mayor, their first Jewish mayor or their first gay mayor. The GOP candidate was the gay guy. L.A. has moved so far to the left that the Village People are now the Republicans.
— Argus Hamilton
Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we’re in this situation in the first place?
Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran’s nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen.
President Obama’s half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He’s a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don’t know much about the half-brother.
Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He’s a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don’t like. Chavez was, too.
All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don’t worry, there’s another way get into the White House if you don’t belong. Fake your birth certificate.
Tonight there’s a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama’s drones?
– Craig Ferguson
Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people’s hands?
– Jimmy Kimmel
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven:
God addresses Gore first. ”Al, what do you believe in?”
Gore replies, “well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve and I’ve come to understand that now.”
God thinks for a second and says, “very good. Come and sit at my left.”
God then addresses Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Clinton replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.”
God thinks for a second and says, “you are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.”
Then God addresses 0bama, “Barack, what do you believe in?”
0bama replies,”I believe you’re in my chair.”