Today’s Toons 3/4/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Democrat Congressman Henry Waxman said the government should tightly regulate household appliances to fight global warming. Save the planet: set your toaster to “light”.

The University of Missouri says it will no longer hold exams on Wiccan and Pagan holidays. But you WILL still get in trouble if you call it “Christmas Break”.

Taxpayer dollars were used to fund a study that painted the Tea Party movement as the spawn of the tobacco lobby. Nah. If you’re looking for smoke, it’s right next to Obama’s mirrors.

Joe Biden gave his advice for defending your home from intruders: “buy a shotgun”. OK, so what’s he recommend to defend your shotgun from the government?

Los Angeles has now synchronized all 4400 of its traffic signals, which is expected to reduce travel times by 12 percent. This will be offset by the extra traffic from all the productive people fleeing the state.

Michelle Obama gave out the award for Best Picture at the Oscars. Real “down-home common folks” optics there. Like Marie Antoinette giving the award for Best Cake.

A liberal state Representative in Colorado suggested that, instead of carrying a gun, women should use “the buddy system”. Great idea. If your buddy is a guy with a gun.

More wisdom from Joe Biden: “If you can’t get the deer in the second or third shot, you shouldn’t be out hunting deer.” So… what’s that say about Democrats & budgets?

A 2000-page State Department terror memo makes no mention of “Muslim” or “Islam”. Yes, because our biggest worry is that the Amish may attack us with well-crafted wooden furniture.

President Obama told a meeting of the National Governors Association “we can’t keep careening from manufactured crisis to manufactured crisis.” Oh. So THAT’S why he’s doing so much to destroy manufacturing.

A Republican Congressman said that President Obama is trying to make support for gun control look stronger than it really is by flooding Twitter with messages from people who don’t exist. To his credit, at least he’s making sure the fake people have fake jobs.

— Fred Thompson

Tiger Woods played golf with President Obama last week and afterwards praised his golf game at a press conference. That’s the consensus. Every PGA pro who’s played with President Obama says he’s a pretty good golfer for a guy who plays only seven days a week.

President Obama warned Friday the Pentagon will be gutted and cops will be laid off and air traffic controllers will be fired if the sequester cuts occur. He’s sweating. The last time a Democratic president cut spending it required an atomic bomb and de-mobilization.

President Obama warned of the looming automatic sequester cuts on Tuesday. He said they will slice the military, sink first responders and drive working families into poverty. You could tell by the verbs he used that he’s still back on the golf course with Tiger.

Michelle Obama was a surprise presenter at the Oscars Sunday and handed the Best Picture Oscar to Argo. It’s a true story of a successful rescue mission of State Department people trapped in a besieged embassy in the Muslim world. Those who cannot do, present.

Michelle Obama appeared on a huge jumbo screen above the stage to award the Best Picture Sunday. It was eerie. Watching a political figure’s image towering over a public event made it look like Los Angeles had surrendered to North Korea during the commercial break.

President Obama warned the nation’s governors meeting in Washington D.C. Monday that the sequester cuts would cripple all government functions. He is not kidding. The cuts are so drastic they force President Obama to play nine holes a day instead of eighteen.

The White House said Monday that President Obama’s salary would not be affected by the looming sequestration cuts. Congress quickly added that their pay is also unaffected. Their salaries are all protected under the Americans with No Abilities Act.

The White House warned of fewer public hospital procedures if sequester cuts kick in Friday cutting the budget. Don’t buy it. They warned it could reduce the number of breast exams and prostate exams but don’t worry, they’ll still be free at the nearest airport.

Secretary of State John Kerry told German students in Berlin on Tuesday that the U.S. gives its citizens the right to be stupid. He knows a thing or two about being stupid. You don’t have to be smart to marry a rich widow, you just have to be able to dance a mean cha-cha.

Illinois Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. faces sentencing and imprisonment this week after he pleaded guilty in federal court in Chicago to campaign finance fraud. Oh well, that’s politics for you. One week you’re on the cover of Time, the next week you’re doing it.

— Argus Hamilton

A huge snowstorm has now hit 18 states. In fact, it is so cold that former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. had his hands in his own pockets.

A storm dumped 17 inches of snow on Amarillo, Texas, yesterday. It was really confusing for people sneaking over the border. They thought they’d gone all the way to Canada.

In a White House briefing, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that sequestration would affect border security. Her remarks raised eyebrows in Washington and got big laughs in Mexico.

— Leno

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