This Thread Brought To You By The Number 0:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A new report shows that over 65 million guns have been bought since Obama took office. Maybe instead of pushing electric cars he should threaten to ban them.
Pranking hackers interrupted a Montana TV station’s broadcast to claim “dead bodies are rising from their graves”. Wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow in Chicago around election day.
Time Warner Inc. is considering a deal that would sell off most of its magazines. As an added bonus, whoever buys them will get named “Person of the Year”.
A new poll shows that 92% of Pakistanis disapprove of US leadership. And people thought we had no common ground.
Gas prices have now risen for 32 straight days. Apparently Obama’s chasing DiMaggio’s record of 56.
The Obama administration is planning a decade-long scientific effort to map the activity of the human brain. So… it’ll be finished before his next budget?
The White House press corps is expressing frustration over its lack of access to Obama’s recent Florida golfing vacation. Odd that they never got upset over being shut out on Benghazi, but I understand their misery, not being close enough to kiss his ring.
Turns out that Democrat Senator Mary Landrieu – who’s pushing for higher taxes instead of spending cuts – owes $1200 in back property taxes. Well, obviously she just needs to buy a bigger house.
The famously left-wing University of Colorado at Boulder is considering selecting a “visiting scholar in conservative thought”. The position pays $80,000 a year and includes free body armor.
— Fred Thompson
Russia was struck by a meteor Thursday that was televised descending from the sky and exploding over the tundra. It caused a minor earthquake. The meteor didn’t dare land in the United States, because the meteor knows we have a president who skeet shoots.
NASA said an asteroid the size of a football field whizzed by the earth Friday. It missed our planet by seventeen thousand miles. President Obama said this is no time for the U.S. to be without a Secretary of Defense and demanded that the Senate confirm Chuck Hagel.
USA Today reports U.S. immigration police angered Mexicans by planning to increase the expulsions of illegal immigrants who have criminal records. You can understand their anger. They had no idea it was a crime when they bought all those guns from the FBI.
Nancy Pelosi said Friday she opposes a congressional pay cut because a pay cut will undermine the dignity of the job. It’s just like clockwork. It only takes two years after an Anthony Weiner scandal before House Members are bragging about their dignity again.
The White House released a video of President Obama extending his Valentine’s Day greetings Thursday. It shows the president saying that if you haven’t met that someone special, he hopes you’ll meet that someone special soon. Of course, he is talking to a drone.
President Obama took a three-day vacation in Palm Beach Friday. Critics said it’s the height of the season when hotel rooms are most expensive for his security entourage. We’ve gotten to the point where one third of the federal budget deficit is just his green fees.
U.S. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee addressed the House Thursday and identified herself as a freed slave. That makes her a hundred and sixty. It’s the same kind of math the Democrats used in promoting the health care bill to explain how it would save money.
Senator Rand Paul threatened to hold John Brennan’s nomination for CIA Director Thursday over the use of drone missile attacks on U.S. citizens. He asked Brennan if drones could be used on Americans in America and Brennan wouldn’t answer. Coincidentally, the San Bernardino Sheriffs are still puzzled over how that fire started in the cabin at Big Bear.
President Obama played a secret round of golf with Tiger Woods in Palm Beach with no press allowed at the club. He picked up some helpful tips. Tiger Woods shared his expertise with the president and now all the text messages from Benghazi have been erased.
Alec Baldwin was caught on tape Sunday blasting a black New York Post photographer in a racist rant with bigoted, condescending language. His career is safe. Nobody in Hollywood will believe he’s a Republican unless he calls for tax cuts and more oil drilling.
President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods in Palm Beach Monday. It was a last-minute pairing. The original plan was for him to play with Bill Clinton, but Michelle would only let Barack play with someone who’s had fewer than twenty female accusers.
Stanford geneticists reported Tuesday that human intelligence is on a steady decline. It is sad but true. So when Nancy Pelosi says the U.S. government doesn’t have a spending problem we have to remember that she’s doing the best she can with what nature gave her.
Tiger Woods addressed reporters at Tucson’s Accenture Match Play Championships Tuesday to discuss his golf date with President Obama. He said the president has a nice touch and an excellent aim. Obviously Tiger’s never seen President Obama’s drone strikes.
John Kerry gave his first speech as Secretary of State Wednesday and declared that Congress is a bigger threat to the U.S. than China. They have to scapegoat somebody for this economy. Jewish people feel a lot safer hearing that Republicans are the new Jews.
Joe Biden spoke against assault weapons Tuesday and advised women to go outside and fire two shots from a double barreled shotgun to scare off intruders. He’s so wise. Once an intruder knows your gun is empty he’ll gladly go home and leave you alone, ladies.
Jesse Jackson, Jr. pleaded guilty to campaign finance fraud while serving as a Member of Congress Tuesday. He stole a fortune from his campaign fund. Chicago politicians always wear pin-striped suits so that when they go to jail they don’t have to change clothes.
Hillary Clinton signed with the Harry Walker speakers agency, which guaranteed her two hundred grand a speech. It’s the same they charge organizations to book their client Bill Clinton. Ten percent of the fee goes to the agent for arranging the speech and ten percent goes to the special prosecutors for teaching Bill and Hillary to tell great stories.
— Argus Hamilton
Yesterday, President Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. Well, you thought Michelle got mad when Barack ate a cheeseburger. She told him, “No hanging out with Tiger afterward. You come right home.”
Over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Tiger Woods. Tiger said the president was a very good golfer for a guy who plays only five days a week.
Actually, you know what the president’s handicap is? He doesn’t understand economics.
Former Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. pled guilty to misusing hundreds of thousands of dollars of campaign funds for personal use, including buying a $43,000 Rolex watch. How ironic is that? All that money on a watch, and now he’s going to wind up doing time.
In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is “Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
There’s talk that the White House may fine China for its recent cyber attacks on American companies. The fine could total in the millions of dollars, which is great because we could really use that money to pay back China.
It was just announced that President Obama will speak at Ohio State’s graduation in May. The president has a lot in common with those students. He’s currently in his fifth year and swamped with debt.
– Jimmy Fallon
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!” Then I would say, “It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.