Today’s Toons 2/11/13

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Despite the EPA’s crackdown on coal-fired plants, the power plant heating the Capitol still burns coal. I think there’s a more obvious source of hot air they’re overlooking here.

Al Gore defended his sale of Current TV to oil-funded Al Jazeera, praising their “extensive and high-quality” climate coverage. Yeah, and Tokyo Rose used to play great dance tunes.

President Obama took nearly a week to congratulate Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for winning reelection. He’d have done it sooner, but he forgot that no one can see you cross your fingers over the phone.

A new DHS video suggests that if you’re in a mass-shooting situation, you should arm yourself with scissors or other office supplies. Well, it might be good advice if you work at Smith & Wesson.

A Maryland school district is considering copyrighting all the work created by its staff and students. Good move. It’s horrible to think the fingerpainting on your fridge could be a cheap knock-off.

— Fred Thompson

The Americans aired on FX Wednesday about a Soviet spy couple living in Washington D.C.’s suburbs in the early Eighties. It’s thrilling. In the first episode they successfully get Barack Obama into Harvard on a foreign student scholarship and then shred all the records.

President Obama said Wednesday he hopes to sign an immigration bill by the end of the year. He doesn’t want it to be tough. The last time Mexico’s president came to the U.S., he offered to take President Obama’s job for three dollars an hour cash under the table.

GOP lawmakers called the president’s immigration reform proposal nothing but blanket amnesty Tuesday. The administration is nothing if not compassionate. When Joe Biden was asked what he thinks about amnesty, he said it’s terrible when anyone loses their memory.

President Obama allowed his Jobs Council to expire Thursday without renewing its charter despite high unemployment and a contracting economy. The members never met anyway. The Jobs Council was only intended to save one job, and now its work is done.

The White House started construction on a second Oval Office at the Executive Office building across the street to accomodate renovations. They’re connected by a tunnel. The White House won’t refer to the tunnel as a tunnel, they call it a pathway to citizenship.

Crossroad of the West gun shows warned of a nationwide bullet shortage Friday due to panic buying. That’s okay. It could boost the attendance in biology class in Chicago schools when shooters realize they’ll have to dissect their victims to get their bullets back.

The U.S. Embassy in Turkey was attacked by an Islamist suicide bomber Friday. It was the eighth embassy attack while Hillary was Secretary of State. The Democrats rallied around Hillary and said it was Bush’s fault, and Al Gore sold one of his companies to Turkey.

Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel was ripped in Senate hearings Thursday. On the record he’s supported talking with Iran and criticized the Jewish lobby. The senators spent so much time grilling Hagel, they never even got to his character witness, Mel Gibson.

Energy Secretary Henry Chu resigned to go back to academia on Friday. He left quite a legacy. The next Energy Secretary’s job is to award U.S. government grants to solar power companies that can stay in business at least until the president is safely out of office.

The Job is a controversial new reality show on CBS this Friday. Unemployed people compete with one another to win a middle-class job. That may not be much of a prize, but at the end of the season all the winners compete for a chance to win a government job.

President Obama expressed his support for Boy Scouts Sunday and he thanked them for their help in making us a great nation. Last week when he went skeet shooting at Camp David he consulted the Boy Scout manual to teach him which end of the rifle to hold and which end of the rifle to aim. Sarah Palin gave him some advice but he doesn’t trust it.

Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad saluted Iranian rocket scientists on their successful monkey launch Sunday and said he’d like to be the first Iranian to be blasted into outer space. That’s easily arranged. All he has to do is attack Israel, and he’ll be flying into space on a ship that has seventy-two flight attendants, all virgins.

The Justice Department released a memo backing President Obama’s power to order drone strikes to kill U.S. citizens overseas in al-Qaeda. He’s on a roll. This follows the release of last week’s Justice Department memo asserting the president’s authority to shoot skeet.

The White House announced President Obama will visit Israel, Jordan and the West Bank next month. The two opposing sides hate each other. Henry Kissinger may have to come out of retirement to negotiate a peace deal between the Israelis and President Obama.

An Oregon Democratic U.S. congressman proposed a bill placing a fifty-dollar-an-ounce federal tax on all marijuana sales in Oregon Tuesday. How idiotic. Once pot dealers are required to pay federal taxes, they’ll force college kids to vote Republican or pay full price.

Leon Panetta said that waterboarding terror suspects helped the CIA find Osama bin Laden. An enemy will always adapt. Last week a guy in India held his breath underwater for thirteen minutes, and ten bucks says al-Qaeda has already asked him to name his price.

House Republicans held a hearing on immigration Tuesday looking for a middle way between amnesty and deportations. Illegal immigrants pay no income taxes and the government has no control over them. They’re the Republicans the Republicans have long dreamed of being.

The White House couldn’t explain why the photo of President Obama skeet-shooting Friday showed him firing the shotgun with the barrel parallel to the ground. The photo was taken in the Camp David woods. He was shooting at an American citizen that he believed was the head of an al-Qaeda-affiliated organization, cleverly disguised as a rabbit.

The Justice Department said President Obama can order the assassination of any U.S. citizen anywhere. This is not advancing his gun control message. Rush Limbaugh just announced he’s going to buy a battleship and Donald Trump is trying to get the bomb.

The CBO said seven million Americans will lose their health insurance when ObamaCare kicks in. That’s because it’s cheaper for the company to pay the penalty than the health insurance. It’s cheapest of all to sit in jail for disobeying ObamaCare and enjoy free meals, free housing, free cable, daily exercise, and the company of your peers.

— Argus Hamilton

I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to become the first Iranian to go into space. And today Israel said, “Flight’s on us! No problem. We’ve got everything covered.”

According to a new traffic study, it takes longer to get to work in Washington, D.C., than any other city in the country. On the other hand, they don’t do any work once they get there, so it’s pretty much a wash.

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama’s economic policy is also his climate change policy.

This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare.

Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government’s come down to now? We’re selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?

Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism.

— Leno

It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked on Sunday. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could’ve made off with as much as negative $14 trillion.

– Jimmy Fallon

U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé.

A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn’t that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding.

This is crazy. The justice department is saying that President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens, that he can do that. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing on this show.

– Conan


A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”


(Prior to Jan. 17. 2013)
Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he’s with Muslims… Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It’s just so horribly creepy! Can you help?



Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You’re getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 4 more years.




Due to the popularity of the “Survivor” shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: “Survivor – Texas-Style!”

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock , and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:

1. “I’m A Democrat”

2. “Amnesty For Illegals”

3. “I Love The Dixie Chicks”

4. “Boycott Beef”

5. “I Voted For Obama”

6. “George Strait Sucks”

7. “Re-elect Obama In 2016”

8. “Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor”

9. “Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born”

10. “I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer”

11. “Barney Frank Is My Hero”

12. “I Side With Jane Fonda”

13. “It’s Bush’s Fault”

14. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion

and the last sticker is…

15. “I’m Here To Confiscate Your Guns”

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

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