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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A Richmond, VA, man has pleaded guilty to stealing a truck containing President Obama’s teleprompter. Guess he never looked at the teleprompter or he would’ve just blamed it on Bush.
Vice President Joe Biden said American gun laws should include “universal background checks, including private sales.” What about sales to Mexican drug lords?
A Florida man was arrested after he tried to rob a convenience store with a cattle prod, but was thwarted by a clerk with a gun. You know what’s coming next. Background checks for cattle ranchers.
Is Obama like Lincoln? Well, lets see. In Lincoln’s second inaugural address he used the word ” I ” two times. If his habits are any indicator, Obama will exceed that in his first two sentences.
Acting Budget Director Jeff Zients told Paul Ryan that the budget will not be delivered by Feb. 4, as required by law. Turns out they accidentally left it in a shipment of guns bound for Mexico.
Democrat Senator Charles Schumer said retailers that sell assault weapons should stop offering them for purchase while Congress discusses gun regulation legislation. How about Congress stops spending while we discuss government budget cuts?
In Olympia, Washington, freezing weather with light snow flurries greeted about 200 climate activists who gathered to demand action on global warming. So… I guess it worked.
The conservative owner of a Utah juice bar charges liberals a $1 surcharge on their drinks. Most liberals are fine with it. They just pay the dollar from someone else’s wallet.
— Fred Thompson
Joe Biden met with NRA officials Thursday to try to find at least common ground on gun control. Force is the only language that homicidal maniacs understand. If we can’t arm teachers, at least we could guard every school entrance with a wax dummy of Anthony Hopkins.
President Obama screened NBC’s new sitcom 1600 Penn Tuesday at the White House with the TV show’s executive producer. For a president to be a great comic character, he would have to be pompous, arrogant and convinced he’s right about everything. Barack Obama liked the show so much he gave the producer his purple ermine robe to wear home.
President Obama will take the oath of office with Lincoln’s bible and give his State of the Union on Lincoln’s birthday. What’s with him? It’s the most effort by a president to be just like his hero since Bill Clinton took the oath of office with his right hand on a stack of Playboys.
The NRA reported one hundred thousand new members Friday as gun control laws loomed. Gun stores are running out. Thanks to President Obama, there’s a shortage of guns and a doctor shortage, so people who are feeling badly will just have to tough it out.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg proposed limiting the amount of pain killer prescriptions the poor can get following emergency room treatment Friday. He wants the poor to be walking around the streets of New York with pain on their faces. The only explanation is that Mayor Bloomberg is an investor in Les Miserables and he’s trying to boost ticket sales.
Barack Obama will give his State of the Union speech on Abe Lincoln’s birthday next month and he’ll be sworn into office next week with his hand on Abe Lincoln’s Bible. It’s cause for concern. It’s why the Secret Service put a twenty-four-hour tail on Clint Eastwood.
President Obama held a press conference Monday to insist that Congress must raise the debt limit and vowed he won’t give up a ransom to pay our country’s bills. He said that Congress can’t hold a gun to the head of the American people. That’s what the IRS is for.
Quentin Tarantino won a Golden Globe for his slave revenge film Django Unchained Sunday. The N-word is spoken hundreds of times by black and white actors as they shoot each other. In addition to a Golden Globe he was inducted into the Rap Music Hall of Fame.
Colin Powell ripped fellow Republicans for being intolerant of minorities Sunday. He said they use racist code words. Then someone explained to him that Quentin Tarantinos’s a Democrat and he apologized, saying it’s the biggest mistake he’s made since the Iraq War.
Joe Biden told the country Friday there’s no silver bullet to end gun violence. As for his panel report, he said he’s shooting for Tuesday. Everyone agrees we need a five-day waiting period before Joe Biden can open his mouth, and if that doesn’t work, a safety lock.
Des Moines gun dealers told the New York Times Monday they are having trouble keeping enough automatic weapons stocked due to panic buying by gun owners who fear they’ll soon be outlawed. If you outlaw something you just make it popular. You can’t buy an ounce of pot, a gram of coke or a Hostess Twinkie in this country for less than fifty dollars.
President Obama surrounded himself with children Wednesday as he spelled out his executive orders tightening gun laws. The children wrote letters to the White House. They were asking for jobs for their mothers and fathers and all they got was TV extra work.
House Democrats and Republicans worked together to write a bill to reduce the cost of ObamaCare. They want to lower the cost of breast exams for women and prostate exams for men. They’re thinking of reducing TSA checkpoint crews from three men to two.
President Obama’s step-brother Malik Obama announced Monday that he’s running for governor of a state in Kenya. The resemblance is uncanny. A real estate magnate in Nairobi is going around telling anybody who’ll listen that he was born in the United States.
President Obama deputized doctors Wednesday to ask patients if they have guns and where they keep them. This can’t happen. When you consider where doctors have their hands while they’re interrogating you, it makes waterboarding look like a neck massage.
Bill Clinton hosts the annual Bob Hope Desert Classic in Palm Springs all week. He’s a loyal Democrat. To back President Obama’s gun control measures Bill Clinton has agreed to stop pointing finger guns and firing at marginally attractive waitresses in diners.
President Obama gets inaugurated Monday on the same day as Martin Luther King’s birthday. That explains the flood of executive orders lately. We should have known that once Congress approved a King Holiday that someday a president would misunderstand it.
The NRA aired an ad Tuesday calling President Obama an elitist hypocrite. The gun crowd hates Obama and Obama hates the gun crowd and it has nothing to do with race. It’s taken Americans four hundred years to get to this point and it’s a cause for celebration.
CBS News star Bob Schieffer on Wednesday compared President Obama’s battle with the NRA to the effort to defeat Hitler. It’s a new low for the media. It just poured salt on the wound the next day when CBS apologized to the surviving members of the Hitler family.
President Obama demanded a bill requiring background checks for any private gun sales Tuesday. He wants to know who has guns and where they are. Now everyone in the Mexican drug cartel has to make a doctor’s appointment and tell where they keep the guns.
Hillary Clinton refused to answer any questions about U.S. citizens taken hostage in Algeria Wednesday. She also won’t answer questions about the Benghazi raid. Four years ago the administration ended the War on Terror and replaced it with the War on Answers.
— Argus Hamilton
President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can’t get the job done anymore?
Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican.
Cuban citizens were allowed by their government to begin flying freely to the United States Monday for the first time in fifty years. Are these people in for a surprise. They think that they’re escaping rule by decree, government health care and subsidized housing.
President Obama said this week that he wants to find a “pathway for citizenship” for immigrants in the United States. Don’t we have that? It’s called the Rio Grande river.
Happy birthday to first lady Michelle Obama. She turned 49 years old today. She told a reporter she’d like a nice gift from Barack, but nothing extravagant. Oh, don’t worry. Obama is very responsible when he’s spending his own money.
An economist is suggesting that the U.S. Treasury mint a trillion-dollar coin and deposit it in the federal reserve — which is how “The Lord of the Rings” starts, isn’t it?
– Jimmy Kimmel
A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, “Cool, at least they think we do something.”
Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don’t worry. They’ll still be free at the airport.
The president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to give every man, woman, and child the chance to pay more taxes.
– Jimmy Fallon
President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. “is not a deadbeat nation.” Then the president added, “By the way, if China calls, I’m not here.”
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house? I said I did. She said, “Well I certainly hope it isn’t loaded!” To which I said, “Of course it is loaded; it can’t work without bullets!” She then asked, “Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?” My reply was, “No, not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.”