Today’s Toons 12/31/12

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The Senate held hearings on the administration’s failure to protect the U.S. consulate in Benghazi from attack last fall. Cables show the attack was predicted and ignored. The White House has admitted that mistakes were made, but maintains that no one made them.

President Obama deplored what he called America’s culture of guns and violence on Thursday. He was inspiring. Many Californians have decided to follow the president’s example — put away our guns and call in a drone strike on anybody who cuts us off in traffic.

The U.S. Treasury will sell its stake in GM and get out of the car business. The U.S. gave GM fifty billion dollars four years ago and will recoup forty billion of it. The ten billion dollar loss makes GM the most profitable branch of the U.S. government, so it had to be sold.

Hollywood’s Ben Affleck was reported Friday to be interested in running for John Kerry’s vacated U.S. Senate seat. He just turned forty. He’s tired of the insecurities of show business, and being a U.S. Senator guarantees you’ll still be working when you’re eighty-five.

Senator John Kerry was nominated by the president to be the next Secretary of State Friday. The current Secretary of State couldn’t be there. Hillary Clinton had a previous commitment across the city teaching the Washington Wizards how to flop and draw a foul.

Hillary Clinton didn’t testify in Congress Thursday over her failure to protect the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi from a pre-warned attack. She dodged impeachment by claiming she had a concussion and is woozy about details. Even O.J. can’t believe she got away with it.

Hillary Clinton ducked Congress Thursday saying she caught a stomach virus which made her dizzy which caused her to fall and hit her head which gave her a concussion making her unable to testify about Benghazi. So she escaped. Protestants don’t normally cite holy miracles but Hillary’s fellow Methodists are calling it the Immaculate Concussion.

Senator Joe Lieberman predicted Tuesday that U.S. lawmakers and the president will take America over the fiscal cliff. Then we don’t need John Kerry as Secretary of State. He should be the Treasury Secretary since he’s the only one who knows how to paraglide.

President Obama played golf with life-long pal Bobby Titcomb in Hawaii Sunday. He was arrested in Honolulu last year for soliciting a prostitute. It speaks well of a president when he’s got a friend who’s willing to undergo Secret Service training to help protect him.

President Obama hinted through aides Monday he’d fly back to Washington D.C. to sign a budget deal if the White House and Congress can agree on tax hikes on the rich. The rich have no say in the matter. This time of year the rich are known on Capitol Hill as Santa’s elves because they do all the work and then Santa Claus gives away what they make.

The NRA reported getting thousands of new applicants a day Friday since the White House called for gun control. WalMart stores are selling out of guns. The Automobile Dealers of America just issued a plea to President Obama asking him to call for car control.

President Obama played his one hundredth round of golf since taking office Monday in Hawaii. The polls are divided. Twenty percent of Americans approve of the president playing lots of golf but sixty percent believe that the ball is heading in the wrong direction.

CBS News ran a poll Tuesday asking people to state Santa Claus’s political party. The opinion split. Republicans say Santa’s a Democrat because he hands out free stuff, and Democrats say he’s a Republican because he’s an old white guy who runs a non-union shop.

David Gregory displayed a thirty-round magazine on Meet the Press, which brought the Washington D.C. cops to the NBC studio. It’s illegal to have a high-round magazine in the nation’s capital. When news broke that David Gregory was caught with a magazine that’s illegal in D.C. everyone just assumed that his mother found a National Review under his bed.

Ben Affleck said Tuesday he won’t run for U.S. Senate to fill the seat left by John Kerry in Massachusetts. It’s no secret why. It’s escaped no one’s notice in Hollywood that ever since Al Franken was elected to the Senate, he can’t even get booked on Storage Wars.

David Gregory was probed by D.C. police for displaying a thirty-round magazine clip on NBC News because the clip’s illegal in D.C. Journalists assured the cops the ammo clip was in a safe place. They keep it in the break room next to the coffee pot and the cocaine.

The White House received over sixty thousand signatures from gun rights advocates demanding that CNN’s host Piers Morgan be deported for slamming the Second Amendment. A counter-petition was circulated in Britain refusing to take him back. He is on the phone with the president to see if Anglo-Saxons are covered under the Dream Act.

— Argus Hamilton

Here’s what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break.

– Letterman


A man in Texas looking to join the County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications look good, but there’s an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted.”

Then, sliding a Colt 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, “take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six ‘Progressive Liberal’ democrats, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” the man asked.

“That’s the attitude we’re looking for!” said the Sergeant, “When can you start?”

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