Today’s Toons 12/24/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Above San Francisco, a mysterious light formation was spotted in the night sky. Probably aliens trying to decide if they could afford the taxes if they land there.

The new US military handbook for troops deployed to the Middle East orders soldiers not to criticize “anything related to Islam”. So… you’re not allowed to call terrorists names before you take them out?

A new report shows that Medicare and Medicaid made more than $50 billion in bad payments during fiscal year 2011. Under Obamacare, that’ll become known as “Tuesday”.

On MSNBC, Harry Belafonte advised Obama on his political opponents: “work like a third world dictator and just put all these guys in jail”. Tally him. He’s bananas.

A $60 billion aid bill to help victims of Hurricane Sandy includes such things as $150 million for Alaskan fisheries. Maybe they should throw in a few bucks for geography education in the DC area.

Attorney General Eric Holder recently gave the National Counterterrorism Center sweeping new powers to store dossiers on US citizens. You know, like one of the things President Nixon almost got impeached for.

During an interview on the Tavis Smiley Show, Matt Damon said “I need to pay more taxes”. Hey Matt – Paris just called to offer you a great deal on Gerard Depardieu’s old house.

During an interview in Miami, President Obama said, “I don’t think government can solve every problem.” That’s true. For example, lack of security at a consulate.

During an interview on ABC, President Obama said he wouldn’t pursue legalized pot smokers in Washington & Colorado because “we’ve got bigger fish to fry”. Mostly fish making over $200,000 a year.

American Express CEO Kenneth Chenault is reportedly under consideration as President Obama’s next Treasury Secretary. Ah, someone who’s experienced with over-extended credit.

— Fred Thompson

Harry Belafonte urged Barack Obama Friday to imprison his political opponents like a Third World dictator. The president can’t put his political enemies in prison. He’s allowed to kill them with a drone missile but only because the courts haven’t ruled on it yet.

The White House allowed Susan Rice to withdraw her name from consideration for Secretary of State. No one doubts her ability. Susan Rice lied to the American people on all five Sunday talk shows, breaking Hillary Clinton’s one-day record by two interviews.

U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State Thursday. Democrats claimed Republicans don’t want a black woman for the job. You get so used to Condoleezza Rice you start thinking of her as a good old boy from Texas.

Mob movie director Martin Scorsese announced Monday he’ll make a documentary on Bill Clinton. The president was raised in Hot Springs, Arkansas, which was a hangout for Chicago gangsters. This is a story of how they all ended up together in Washington D.C.

Hillary Clinton bumped her head and suffered a minor concussion Friday, forcing her to cancel testifying to Congress about the Benghazi attack. No one thinks she’s faking an injury to avoid testifying. Everyone thinks she’s faking an injury to get workman’s comp.

U.S. Senator John Kerry was reported Sunday set to be named Secretary of State. He’s a known commodity nationally. Sixty percent of Americans can identify a photograph of John Kerry, the bad news is that the majority still thinks he’s the dad from the Munsters.

President Obama’s address on gun violence preceded Sunday’s NFL game airing on NBC. It changed nothing. One team’s offense operated out of the pistol, the other team operated out of the shotgun and the winning TD was scored when they completed a bomb.

President Obama backed tighter gun control laws that ban assault rifles and assault pistols. It won’t work. Chicago has the toughest gun laws in the country and there’s so much lead flying through the air that residents eat paint chips just for the vaccine effect.

Hillary Clinton canceled her Benghazi attack testimony to Congress Monday. She got a stomach virus, then dehydrated, which made her faint, which caused her to bump her head. She is so dizzy Bill has to keep reminding her that she agreed to an open marriage.

Zero Dark Thirty opens Friday about the female CIA agent who relentlessly tracked Osama bin Laden for ten years. She got him. Barack Obama won the election by telling college kids if they didn’t vote for him, he’d put her in charge of collecting student loans.

WalMart sold out of semi-automatic rifles and pistols the day after President Obama hinted he’d get them banned. It’s big news. President Obama could ignite an economic boom if he’d threaten to ban the sale of American cars and houses in Riverside, California.

President Obama warned U.S. credit will be downgraded if Republicans don’t okay tax hikes. His plan is to tax the rich, ignore the debt and increase spending. Standard and Poor’s won’t degrade U.S. credit but they did name Confederate bonds their Pick of the Week.

Hillary Clinton cancelled testfying on Benghazi, citing a stomach virus and dizziness that led to a concussion. It’s dubious. Her first story was, she’s pregnant, but when the Republicans vowed to call an independent counsel, she decided to go with a stomach virus.

— Argus Hamilton

The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and “Lincoln” got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery.

It looks like President Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.

— Leno

Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn’t end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.

– Jimmy Kimmel

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday’s game against the Ravens.

For the next six weeks Hillary will be in an orthopedic pants suit.

– Letterman

It’s rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it’s RUMORED that a PARTIAL deal is being CONSIDERED — or to put that in layman’s terms: We’re going off this cliff.

Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden re-enact it with puppets.

Wait, we’re facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That’s not even the opening credits of “The Hobbit”!

There’s a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer’s son who’s dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, “Shouldn’t you be fighting the Green Goblin?” And the kid was like, “shouldn’t you be working on the fiscal cliff?”

– Jimmy Fallon


Any man who thinks he can be happy & prosperous by letting government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian.

– Henry Ford

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