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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
Rush Limbaugh said of Obama’s victory, “it’s very difficult to beat Santa Claus”. You’d think it’d be easy when Santa has 12 million unemployed elves.
Russia’s Putin congratulated Obama on his victory, saying “we express hope for positive beginnings in bilateral relations”. In other words, “OK, let’s see that flexibility now”.
Homeland Security’s Janet Napolitano is rumored to be high on the list of possible replacements for exiting Attorney General Eric Holder. She still won’t prosecute Black Panthers, but she will run ’em through a naked body scanner.
The Pentagon has revealed that two Iranian fighter jets fired on an unarmed US Predator drone in the Persian Gulf. Just waiting for President Obama to claim it was because someone posted a bootleg copy of “Top Gun” on YouTube.
Gun-maker Smith & Wesson’s stock rose 10% after last week’s election. Apparently people are investing heavily in precious metals, like lead and brass.
On Face the Nation, David Axelrod said that his next project will include inspiring young people to become “journalists.” Wish someone would inspire journalists to become journalists.
Speaking at the White House, President Obama said “the majority of Americans agree with my approach”. Yes – making a minority of taxpayers foot the bill.
In the past 90 days, the Obama administration has posted 6,125 regulations and notices on its regulations.gov website. Great jobs plan. Every business will have to hire a full-time reader just to keep up.
House investigators asked Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to testify about the Benghazi attacks, but she declined, citing a “scheduling conflict”. Ya know, I’ll bet Ambassador Stevens had other plans, too.
Fearing an increase in capital gains and dividend taxes, many of the rich are unloading stocks, businesses and homes before the end of the year. President Obama immediately took credit for “the vigorous wave of economic activity”.
An Indiana man says he has “no regrets” about getting a Romney campaign logo “R” tattooed on his face. Bet he’s REALLY hoping Ryan runs in 2016.
After going through bankruptcy, the California city of Vallejo is now asking voters how to spend taxpayers’ money. Most popular answer: “Don’t.”
— Fred Thompson
John Kerry was considered to be Secretary of State Thursday. He married the Heinz ketchup widow of the late Senator John Heinz and he became the richest man in the Senate. Anyone who can pounce that fast has the reflexes we need to protect our embassies.
President Obama’s re-election on Tuesday prompted a stock market plunge of three hundred points. Repairing this economy may require a little luck. President Obama is going to need all the luck he can get to fix the mess he inherited from the past four years.
Chris Matthews apologized for expressing his gratitude on election night that Hurricane Sandy arrived just in time to help Obama in the polls. He showed no concern for the victims. This is what you have to do when you’re campaigning to be the new FEMA Director.
President Obama began dealing with Congress Thursday after elections kept the GOP controlling the House, Democrats still controlling the Senate and Barack Obama still as president. They spent six billion dollars and nothing’s changed. Kids who want to be rich in America used to want to be baseball players, now they want to own a TV station in Ohio.
President Obama’s re-election last Tuesday prompted petitions to be circulated in states calling for secession from the Union. They’re posted on the White House website. The Secret Service just announced that President Obama has attended his last Ford’s Theater Gala.
CIA Director David Petraeus resigned Friday after e-mails surfaced about his adulterous affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell. His e-mails to her recalled them having sex underneath his office desk. Bill Clinton just asked Paula Broadwell to write his life story.
President Obama met with congressional leaders to try to reach a deal to dodge the fiscal cliff. It’s not all bad news. If the Mayan Calendar is right and the world ends four days before Christmas, all the government pensions in America are suddenly fully funded.
The White House website received petitions from Southern states Monday calling for secession from the Union. The timing is very shrewd. This week is the perfect time for the South to secede when you consider that none of the Union generals have their pants on.
General David Petraeus was caught between a catfight of mistresses on Tuesday. It’s mixed news. The sex scandal cost General Petraeus any chance of the GOP nomination for president in four years, however it virtually guarantees him the Democratic nomination.
Attorney General Eric Holder was reported Tuesday to have learned of CIA Director David Petraeus’ mistress in September. He kept it a secret. If he’d wanted President Obama to know about it he’d have had a Chicago Bulls sportswriter slip it into his column.
Texas Governor Rick Perry said Wednesday that Texas won’t secede from the Union despite all the petitions. The movement is spreading. It’s really helped the movie box office for Lincoln because thousands of people are showing up at the screenings to boo him.
David Petraeus agreed to testify about the attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi. We’ve learned only one thing. If the terrorists who attacked the U.S. consulate had committed adultery with the four Americans instead of killing them, in two hours we’d have known all there was to know about the attack and the attackers, and which door they used.
President Obama met with business CEOs at the White House Wednesday where he informed them of his tax hike proposals. The CEOs are scared. Congress and the White House are approaching the fiscal cliff and President Obama’s campaign slogan is Forward.
President Obama had his first press conference in eight months at the White House on Wednesday. Reporters asked the president why he didn’t know that the FBI was investigating his CIA chief all year. He was so crushed that a White House reporter would ask him a real question that he broke down sobbing for the second time in ten days.
— Argus Hamilton
Florida has finally finished counting the votes for president. Why is it so hard for the people down there to count votes? We’re talking about a state where half the population can play 10 bingo cards at the same time.
Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a “fiscal cliff.” The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was “Forward.”
The Republicans drove us into a ditch and the Democrats are driving us over a cliff.
But the good news: President Obama says we will run out of gas long before we get to the cliff.
It’s now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He’s an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there’s something there for Republicans and Democrats.
There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.
The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.
The economy is so bad, President Obama sent Susan Rice out to defend it.
Gas rationing. Welcome to 1974! Here’s the only good thing. We don’t have enough gas now to drive over the fiscal cliff.
How about that General Petraeus? Then they I got an FBI guy sending pictures of himself with his shirt off. You know who I blame for all of this? Anthony Weiner. He’s the guy who started this whole thing.
A woman is so angry with the election results that reportedly she got in her car and ran over her husband. She’s so mad that Romney didn’t win, she runs over her husband. It was Karl Rove’s wife.
It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney’s tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, “Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!” And now he’s like, “Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?”
– Jimmy Fallon
“Okay, folks, so where are we today? I can sum it up for you very simply. Al-Qaeda is alive; Twinkies are dead.”
– Rush Limbaugh
The election is over, the talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So let us be friends, let arguments pass,
I’ll hug my elephant, you kiss your ass.