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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
A new report shows that 35% of Chicago’s schools flunk their food inspections. Tragically, due to cutbacks, they can no longer afford to pay off the inspectors.
At a campaign event, Vice President Joe Biden said, “I’m going to give you the whole load today”. Well, that should keep the fields fertilized for a while.
Now Obama proposes a “Secretary of Business” to look after business. A better idea : a Secretary of the Presidency – so the American people can be looked after.
Ouch! Jay Leno said “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is back… it’s Obama’s policy for questions about Libya…” Huh. I thought it was “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell the Truth”.
At a campaign rally in Virginia, Bill Clinton said that, thanks to Obama, the American military is now “less racist, less sexist, and less homophobic”. Whoops! He forgot “less well-funded”.
Mayor Bloomberg turned down National Guard help after the hurricane because, “the NYPD is the only people we want on the street with guns.” You heard the Mayor, looters – stay on the sidewalks.
In Nevada, a woman was arrested for trying to vote twice. Chicago, meanwhile, strictly enforced its two-vote-minimum.
On his campaign website, President Obama listed “welfare programs” as one of his accomplishments. Remember when politicians used to brag about getting people OFF welfare?
On Twitter, Michelle Obama said, “imagine what Barack can do in 4 more years”. If that had been Romney’s campaign slogan, Mitt would’ve swept the electoral college.
In Iowa, a store near an Obama rally was forced to remove a sign making a joke about the Secret Service and prostitutes. So… no free speech while Obama’s giving a free speech.
Rudy Giuliani said that FEMA’s response to the devastation of Hurricane Sandy was “abysmal”. FEMA was pleased, saying that’s the closest they’ve ever gotten to getting an “A”.
A Russian nuclear-powered attack submarine was spotted cruising within 200 miles of America’s East Coast. Probably just stopping by to return Hillary’s “Reset” button.
With the country $16 trillion in debt, the US Treasury Department is offering prizes to kids (K-12) who share the best “savings stories.” Just waiting for some wag to send in “had Tim Geithner do my taxes”.
A captive-bred Goffin’s Cockatoo has surprised researchers by spontaneously using “tools” to obtain food. So… he learned how to swipe his EBT card?
Speaker of the House John Boehner said of President Obama’s victory, “we want you to succeed.” That’ll be tough, considering the mess Obama’s going to inherit.
— Fred Thompson
President Obama toured hurricane-struck Atlantic City Thursday wearing his brown leather commander-in-chief jacket. The president’s words were calming and resolute. He believes that Hurricane Sandy and all hurricanes ought to have access to contraception.
The Labor Department issued a jobs report Thursday that raised suspicions because it was adjusted. It said the jobless numbers remained unchanged. The government’s unemployment numbers are so massaged that John Travolta just made a gay pass at them.
Donald Trump made recorded calls in the swing states on Thursday asking people to vote for Mitt Romney. It was a smart idea. People who picked up the phone and heard his voice were so glad to hear they weren’t being fired that they agreed to anything he wanted.
Democratic U.S. Senator Bob Menendez was identified as a sex client by two hookers Thursday in the Dominican Republic. They told reporters he promised them five hundred dollars for sex but he would only pay them one hundred afterwards. Democrats who don’t pay good salaries to women are undercutting their arguments against Mitt Romney.
Joe Biden saved his funniest campaign gaffe for last Friday. He told a crowd there’s never been a day in the last four years that he’s been proud to be Obama’s vice president. Everybody’s excited that he was able to break Dan Quayle’s record without using steroids.
Joe Biden said Bill Clinton bankrupted Chrysler and outsourced Jeep production to China Sunday. He got mixed up. He meant to blame Bush for the bankruptcy, Romney for the outsourcing, and Clinton for the climate condition that led to the Secret Service sex scandals.
The TSA was pressed by Congress to crack down on criminal behavior by its airport inspectors. Four TSA workers were recently videotaped snorting drugs at Los Angeles International Airport. It’s the first time anyone’s ever seen lines go that fast at the airport.
Congress turns its attention today to a budget deal to avoid the fiscal cliff looming in December. A new report says duplicate programs cost U.S. taxpayers billions each year. Congress was so interested in this study that they’re ordering a second study to look into it.
President Obama was able to overcome a poor economy Tuesday to win back his job as President of the United States of America. A great many people in Los Angeles were stunned by the result of Tuesday’s election. We can’t believe that Roseanne didn’t pull it off.
Senator Robert Menendez was named as a sex client by two hookers last week. They said he offered them five hundred dollars but only gave them one hundred. He explained that in Washington D.C., U.S. Senators and prostitutes give each other professional discounts.
Libya’s election commissioner observed U.S. election polling places Tuesday and said he couldn’t believe that no photo ID was required at the polls in the United States. We do require it to get on an airline. This is why plane travel has fewer crashes than the economy.
ABC’s Diane Sawyer slurred words and giggled during Tuesday’s election return. She seemed drunk. After the non-drinking, non-smoking Mormon lost the election to the homebrew-drinking, chain-smoking president, she wanted to be on the right side of history.
President Obama issued a stirring plea for unity during his victory speech in Chicago on Tuesday. His supporters cheered themselves hoarse in the ballroom. The mood was so jubilant in Chicago that everybody there agreed not to shoot each other until tomorrow.
President Obama’s supporters found out Tuesday that he won thirty-nine percent of the white vote. That’s the same percentage of white Americans who play golf. Apparently President Obama hooked his first term so far to the left they agreed to give him a Mulligan.
Cleveland police reoprted Tuesday a convenience store robber in suburban Warren took the cash from the cashier and told him to vote for Obama. The robber is really sorry now. As soon as he put the cash in his pocket Obama declared him rich and took it all.
Barack Obama picked up the phone to call Bill Clinton the moment he was projected the winner of the presidential race Tuesday. The price was easy. All Bill wants is for Hillary Clinton to remain Secretary of State so she’ll be on the road for another four years.
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews thanked God for Hurricane Sandy during Tuesday’s election telecast. He loved how the deadly hurricane raised Obama’s poll numbers. MSNBC has become such a cult that the next time the Hale-Bopp comet flies by they’re going to be on it.
— Argus Hamilton
They did not have Halloween in New Jersey Wednesday night. Governor Chris Christie postponed it by executive order until Monday. However, he did spend the day scaring Republicans by praising President Obama.
President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote.
Yesterday in Virginia, Mitt Romney criticized President Obama for making puns about his name, like “Romnesia.” Then he said, “I mean it’s just an “Obamanation.”
– Jimmy Fallon