Today’s Toons 10/22/12

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letters W & P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

A 3-letter word to describe Biden’s debate performance: J-E-R-K.

An Obama campaign adviser said that Obama “believed he had beaten Romney” in the first debate. Why? Because Lehrer wasn’t standing over him doing a 10-count at the end?

According to the IRS, Big Bird’s net worth is actually 50% greater than Mitt Romney’s. Cue the “Occupy Sesame Street” movement.

The Department of Energy website is encouraging people to carve solar panels on their Halloween pumpkins. Ah… sort of a Bankrupt-o-lantern.

A new report shows that enrollment in federal welfare programs has outpaced job growth in the last 4 years. At this rate, soon the only jobs available will be printing welfare checks.

A national restaurant chain plans to cut its workers to part-time hours to avoid huge Obamacare coverage expenses. Well, Obama promised that if you like your insurance you can keep it. Didn’t say anything about your job.

Nancy Pelosi’s pre-debate advice for Joe Biden was “one word… women”. Good thing Joe didn’t hear that. He’d have hit the stage dressed like Tootsie.

While still low on cash, the postal service has enough to avoid insolvency this month, thanks to the mountains of political junk mail. Before that, they were scraping by on foreclosure notices.

The FBI reports that unknown thieves stole a “large amount” of newly-designed $100 bills bound for a Federal Reserve facility in New Jersey. Are they sure this isn’t just part of Bernanke’s QEIII?

A new version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” was recently published which removes all references to Santa smoking a pipe. Coming soon: Santa trades in his sleigh for a Chevy Volt.

President Obama will make his sixth appearance as a guest on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” tonight. Wonder if he’ll bring Candy Crowley along to help him with the tough questions?

A new report shows that, since January 2009, for every person added to the labor force, 10 have been added to those not in the labor force. You can tell Obama cares about the unemployed because he made so many of them.

A new report shows that, between taxes and charities, Mitt Romney paid out 58% of his income. Big deal. Obama paid out well over 100% of the government’s income.

— Fred Thompson

Lindsay Lohan announced in Variety Friday that she’s endorsing Mitt Romney for U.S. president, citing his employment record. She is in her twenties, she is jobless and she is on drugs and alcohol. She represents forty million voters and she could turn the election.

Hofstra University on Long Island will host the presidential debate tonight between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Everyone has a prediction. Al Gore said he’s certain Obama will do better in this debate because Hofstra is only fifty-seven feet above sea level.

President Obama spent all weekend in Colonial Williamsburg studying for tonight’s debate with Mitt Romney. He disappeared and spent three days cramming. They were only able to get him to work by telling him the golf course was closed for a Muslim holiday.

President Obama crammed for last night’s debate at a vacation resort in Virginia in preparation for his battle with Mitt Romney. They clearly don’t like each other. The president really got testy when Mitt Romney claimed that a YouTube video killed Big Bird.

Hillary Clinton took off to Peru Monday as controversy swirled on Capitol Hill about whether she or Obama refused to provide security for the U.S. embassy in Libya. She’ll be back. The Clintons are like shingles, just when you think they’re gone they pop back up.

Bill Clinton leaked that he’s assembling lawyers in case Barack Obama tries to blame Hillary for the Libyan attack. This could get nasty. If Hillary released the passport records of the president’s mother, he could be the favorite to win the New York Marathon in two weeks.

Lindsay Lohan’s publicist went on the Today Show following Lindsay’s endorsement of Mitt Romney Monday. Lindsay has become a conservative. Ever since she performed community service in a morgue last summer, the sight of the economy gives her flashbacks.

Mitt Romney said Sesame Street can be produced by its enormous endowment fund instead of taxpayer dollars Sunday. It’s been on the air for forty-three years. Big Bird is so old that this morning’s episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters E.D.

Mitt Romney’s surging poll numbers prompted threats by Democrats via Twitter to riot if he gets elected. Reaction was swift. Electronics stores in Los Angeles scheduled huge clearance sales the weekend before Election Day so there will be nothing left to loot.

— Argus Hamilton

I was watching TV last night, and I see this stupid infomercial for Crest Whitestrips that goes on for like an hour and a half with this guy just smiling. Then I realize it’s Joe Biden. I’m watching the debate.

The Obama campaign has a new strategy. They’ve gone from “hope and change” to “smirk and giggle.”

— Leno

I’m your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I’m going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me.

Joe Biden actually interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times during the vice-presidential debate. Even the ladies from “The View” were like, “Dude — wait your turn!”

– Jimmy Fallon

The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney.

One of President Obama’s goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

– Conan


– Mitt Romney from the Alfred E. Smith dinner:

I’m glad to be able to join in this memorable tradition. And of course I’m pleased that the president is here. We were chatting pleasantly this evening as if Tuesday night never happened.

I was actually hoping the president would bring Joe Biden along this evening, because he’ll laugh at anything.

I’m pleased to once again have the chance to see Governor Cuomo, who’s already being talked about for higher office. A very impressive fellow, but he may be getting a little ahead of himself. I mean, let me get this straight. The man has put in one term as a governor. He has a father who happened to be a governor, and he thinks that’s enough to run for president.

We’re down to the final months of the president’s term. As President Obama surveys the Waldorf banquet room with everyone in white tie and finery, you have to wonder what he’s thinking. So little time, so much to redistribute.

Don’t be surprised if the president mentions the monthly jobs report where there was a slight improvement in the numbers. He knows how to seize the moment, this president. He already has a compelling new campaign slogan: “You’re better off now than you were four weeks ago.”

Your kind hospitality here tonight gives me a chance to convey my deep and long-held respect for the Catholic Church. I have special admiration for the Apostle St. Peter, to whom it [was], “Upon this rock, I will build my church.” The story is all the more inspiring when you consider that he had so many skeptics and scoffers at the time who were heard to say, “If you’ve got a church, you didn’t build that.”

People seem to be very curious just as to how we prepare for the debates. Let me tell you what I do. First, refrain from alcohol for 65 years before the debate.

Second, find the biggest available strawman and then just mercilessly attack it. Big Bird didn’t even see it coming.

And by the way, in the spirit of Sesame Street, the president’s remarks tonight are brought to you by the letter “O” and the number “16 trillion.”

Campaigns can be grueling, exhausting. President Obama and I are each very lucky to have one person who is always in our corner, someone who we can lean on, and someone who is a comforting presence, and without whom, we wouldn’t be able to go another day. I have my beautiful wife Ann; he has Bill Clinton.

I never suggest that the press is biased. I recognize that they have their job to do, and I have my job to do. My job is to lay out a positive vision for the future of the country, and their job is to make sure no one else finds out about it.

Let’s just say that some in the media have a certain way of looking at things. When suddenly I pulled ahead in some of the major polls, what was the headline? “Polls Show Obama Leading from Behind.”

And I’ve already seen early reports from tonight’s dinner. Headline: “Obama Embraced by Catholics.” Headline: “Romney Dines with Rich People.”

The president has put his own stamp on relations with the church. There have been some awkward moments. Like when the president pulled Pope Benedict aside to share some advice on how to deal with his critics. He said, “Look, Holy Father, whatever the problem is, just blame it on Pope John Paul II.”

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