Today’s Toons 10/15/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Another Congressman’s office was burglarized, the fifth in a spree targeting House office buildings. Boy, this “spreading the wealth around” thing is really getting out of hand.

Vice President Joe Biden said that the middle class has been “buried” for the last four years. So THAT’S what Obama meant by “shovel-ready jobs”.

Internal documentation from a solar company that got a $400 million government loan shows that the company was selling a faulty, underperforming product. Takes one to loan one, I guess.

In Pennsylvania, a judge halted implementation of the state’s new voter ID law until after election day. Yeah, gotta make sure the last horse leaves before closing the barn door.

On MSNBC, Obama campaign manager Stephanie Cutter said “we’re taking credit for the 5.1 million private sector jobs that have been created.” Someone should explain to her that 5.1 million is fewer than the number of people who tried to enter the workforce during that time.

A new study shows that the federal government added more debt on October 1st than from 1776 through Pearl Harbor. Must be what Democrats mean when they call Obama’s presidency “historic”.

Joe Biden is taking 6 days off the campaign trail to devote toward debate prep. The key to their strategy? Biden is off the campaign trail for 6 days.

A new Supreme Court copyright case could make it harder to resell things you own. Oh… sorta like what Obama did with the housing market.

Some members of Obama’s campaign staff are now blaming John Kerry for insufficiently preparing Obama for the debate. Guys, don’t blame the jockey if your Shetland pony can’t win the Kentucky Derby.

During an interview on ABC, Robert Gibbs said that Biden saying the middle class has been “buried” for the last 4 years “wasn’t a gaffe”. True. It’s more of a Romney campaign commercial.

A new study shows that over a million construction jobs have been lost under Obama. So THAT’S what he meant by “you didn’t build that”.

President Obama defended his poor debate showing, saying he can’t “perform flawlessly night after night”. Looking at his record, he’s not that great in the daytime, either.

Asked about his most embarrassing moments, President Obama told kids “I sometimes run into walls”. Not on our southern border, of course.

At an L.A. fundraiser, President Obama said that green energy programs were “not a socialist plot”. True. Socialist plots have a better chance of making money.

Last night Biden said he believed life began at conception, but he would not impose his views on others. I wish that Biden were as reluctant to impose his views on mandatory insurance coverage as he is about his views on abortion.

— Fred Thompson

Barack Obama’s debate with Mitt Romney fell on his twentieth wedding anniversary Thursday. It confused him. During the debate he told Michelle her tax cuts will explode the deficit, then he told Mitt Romney the day they met was the most beautiful day of his life.

Mitt Romney addressed cheering crowds in Colorado Thursday following his debate win in Denver Wednesday. No one could believe it was so one-sided. Everyone agreed that President Obama was so much more eloquent when he was talking to Clint Eastwood.

Democrats complained bitterly Thursday about Barack Obama’s performance in the Denver debate. His supporters said he looked irritated, annoyed and outmatched. They had watched every single episode of The West Wing and Martin Sheen never let them down.

President Obama lashed out at Mitt Romney’s Denver debate performance Thursday when he spoke at an outdoor rally. The president looked one hundred percent better. That trial separation from his Teleprompter was the toughest twenty-four hours of his life.

Al Gore scored Wednesday’s debate and blamed Barack Obama’s poor performance on Denver’s altitude. The president didn’t think the altitude would be much of a problem. Back when he was in college he got some of his best test scores while he was high.

Joe Biden cheerfully admitted Tuesday that Democrats plan to raise a trillion dollars in new taxes. A day earlier he said the middle class has been buried the last four years. Last night President Obama phoned Mitt Romney and asked Mitt if he would fire Joe Biden.

Roseanne Barr made the presidential ballot in California along with her running mate Cindy Sheehan on the Freedom Party. The party lists itself as pro-marijuana and anti-evil. They’re sure to get the votes of people who would otherwise stab themselves with the pen.

President Obama was in Los Angeles Sunday for a fundraising concert featuring Katy Perry, Stevie Wonder and George Clooney. The Secret Service had its hands full. With gas prices at five dollars a gallon all the drivers were shooting at him instead of each other.

Mitt Romney enjoyed a post-debate bounce in Ohio, Florida and Virginia in the polls Friday. His next task is to change America’s attitude on deficit spending. It’s looking more and more like planning our financial future on the Mayan Calendar wasn’t the best plan.

President Obama vowed to work with Republicans to solve the country’s problems if he’s given a second term. It’s not a reflexive action. He said compromise has become a dirty word in Washington and then he told the Republicans to go compromise themselves.

Michelle Obama said Friday if she were a producer she’d cast Denzel Washington to play her husband. That’s perfect. Denzel Washington played a submarine commander in another movie and he knows what it’s like to be sixteen trillion feet underwater.

President Obama hosted fundraisers in Beverly Hills and Hollywood on Sunday. He’s always thinking. Just when he starts losing the race he slips into L.A. to negotiate the best possible deal for his post-presidential reality show, Keeping Up with the Communists.

A QVC Shopping Channel host fainted on the air and passed out Monday. Her co-host standing next to her went right on talking as if nothing had happened. Mitt Romney showed the same cool when the exact same thing happened during the presidential debate.

President Obama cited last week’s improved jobless rate as evidence his policies are working. The latest poll says seventy percent of Americans think the nation is headed in the wrong direction. The good news is that gasoline is so expensive we’ll never get there.

President Obama blamed his bad debate performance on his being too polite to Mitt Romney Tuesday. It was less confusing when everything was Bush’s fault. Yesterday he blamed the embassy attack in Libya on his backswing and his slice on an anti-Muslim film.

The Wall Street Journal disputed the accuracy of last week’s improving employment numbers. It’s the government’s top priority. Barack Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it’s looking increasingly likely a month from now he’ll be one of them.

Mitt Romney met Billy Graham in North Carolina Thursday and asked Rev. Graham to pray for him. He needs it. Earlier that day the White House took away Mitt Romney’s Secret Service detail and replaced them with embassy security from the State Department.

Argo starring Ben Affleck opened Friday in a true story of a U.S. spy posing as a movie producer in Iran during the revolution. He rescued six U.S. hostages. It’s such a crowd pleaser that President Obama just blamed the next three U.S. embassy attacks on the movie.

Joe Biden took heat for his demeanor during the VP debate on Thursday. He grinned, shook his head and rolled his eyes when the other guy talked. The next day Joe Biden was served with a lawsuit by the estate of Cheetah the Chimpanzee for theft of monkeyshines.

Joe Biden and Paul Ryan showed both humility and humor in their debate Thursday, which connects with Americans. They’ve both been involved in recent gunplay. Last autumn Paul Ryan bagged a deer and two months ago Joe Biden’s Teleprompter shot itself.

— Argus Hamilton

Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don’t know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.

Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House is a little worried. In fact, Biden’s handlers are telling him, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself. Be anybody else.”

The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from “Change you can believe in” to “Can you believe there’s no change.”

Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples.

There is a lot of anticipation for tonight’s vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate.

Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.

— Leno

President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don’t work out next month.

The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.

The vice-presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden’s ensure with a five-hour energy drink or something. He was very fired up.

– Jimmy Kimmel

Pundits have had a few days to take a look at the debate. They’re saying that President Obama walked on stage without a plan and was listless and disengaged. And when I heard that I thought, “Well, that’s worked OK for me.”

You know the Obama campaign’s in trouble when they’re looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.

It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn’t there for the last one either.

– Letterman

In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, “Any way they can play him in a debate?”

Apparently after last week’s debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it’s also known, “the thing Obama failed to make during last week’s debate.”

The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him “like a cannonball.” In response, Biden was like, “There’s gonna be a pool there?”

Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week’s presidential debate.

This week President Obama’s Facebook page received more than a million “Likes” in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week’s debate.

– Jimmy Fallon


Living Will Form:

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If after a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for: (Check appropriate items): a Bloody Mary______, a beer ______, a Cosmopolitan _______, a Glass of Pinot Noir ______, a Steak ______, the TV remote control ______, a bowl of ice cream ______, the sports page ______, Sex______, or Chocolate_______, it should be presumed that I won’t ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come and do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had or should’ve had.

Signature:____________________ Date:__________

Amendment #1:

Should I become incapacitated as described above, DO NOT PULL THE PLUG until after I have voted against Barack Obama by absentee ballot in the November 2012 election.
Amendment #2:

If the plug has been pulled in violation of #1 above, transport my body to Chicago so I can still vote against Barack Obama.

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