Barry “Bill” Buckner:
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In Case You Missed It Dept.:
In Florida, school officials in Marion County are considering bringing the practice of paddling back. If that’s not effective, they could always threaten to let Michelle Obama write their lunch menu.
California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill allowing self-driving cars to operate on the state’s roads. Wonder how many will drive themselves to Texas or Tennessee in search of a better life?
During an interview on 60 Minutes, President Obama said only “about 10% of this increase in the deficit” was because of him. Yeah, there’s some real leadership: “The dime stops here.”
A new poll shows that 69% of small business owners say that Obama’s policies have hurt them. The other 31% must’ve been bankruptcy lawyers.
In Sacramento, a homeless woman broke into a man’s house and used his shower. On the bright side, it’s not a practice that’s likely to spread to the Occupy movement.
A new study shows that health insurance premiums have increased $2300 since Obama took office. I’m not sure how much more of this “free” stuff I can afford.
An Obama adviser explained the President’s unavailability by saying “if he met with one leader, he would have to meet with 10” So… he’ll need to do 50 talk shows after going on The View?
The City of Chicago is asking residents with ideas on how to reduce gun crimes to share their thoughts on Twitter. Easy: “arm the law-abiding”.
House Democrats are already readying their legislative “wish-lists” in hopes that President Obama is reelected. Oddly, most of them begin with “I wish Obama hadn’t endorsed me”.
Mexican authorities have found a radio communications network operated by a drug cartel, complete with a 300-foot transmission tower. The signal just keeps repeating, “Eric – send more guns”.
In Florida, Vice President Joe Biden reminded supporters that thanks to President Obama, they could now get free colonoscopies. Joe got one. They found his head.
The federal government just gave a $200 million guaranteed loan to another solar company. The only way we’ll see that money again is if the government wins the pool on the bankruptcy date.
A new report shows that government employees are among President Obama’s biggest campaign contributors. In dog food terms, that’s called “pouring water on your Gravy Train”.
American Airlines has had rows of seats come lose on three different flights now. Maybe they should examine their equipment as closely as they do their passengers.
— Fred Thompson
Jimmy Kimmel was startled Sunday when he asked the Emmy audience sarcastically who was voting for Romney and the auditorium erupted in applause. There was good reason. Every person who clapped thought they’d be the only one and they’d get a close-up.
Madonna told concert goers in D.C. Monday how great it is to have a Black Muslim as president. The Obama campaign said nothing. This close to the election it’s the standard White House policy to ignore anything that a half-dressed woman says about the president.
New York City schools began giving birth control pills and morning-after pills to high school girls free of charge. Parents are at their wits’ end. The only way that New York can ban free birth control in public schools is to dissolve the pills in a sixteen-ounce soft drink.
President Obama took three days off from the campaign Friday to prepare for the debate Wednesday. He has a team of fifteen people who’ll prep him for the debates. Ten of them are assigned to stand in front of the TV set and block the president’s view of the Ryder Cup.
Hillary Clinton admitted Wednesday the attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya was done by al-Qaeda and not by mobs angry over an anti-Muslim video who happened to be heavily armed. It was preposterous that she’d have ever believed it. Hillary never acknowledges that a president has lied to her until the DNA tests come back and there’s no way to deny it.
Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta confirmed Friday the U.S. Embassy attack in Libya was pre-planned by al-Qaeda. It had nothing to do with an anti-Muslim video. President Obama changed his story and is now saying that the replacement refs did an excellent job.
Jimmy Kimmel asked the Emmy audience Sunday who’s voting for Romney and half the crowd erupted in applause. Everyone took a stand. The ones who clapped want to be in Clint Eastwood’s next movie and the ones who didn’t want to be in Steven Spielberg’s.
The FBI arrested the Egyptian anti-Muslim filmmaker in Los Angeles Thursday for violating his parole on a fraudulent check conviction. He was led away in handcuffs with his face covered. The president wants to show the Muslim world that he’s tough on speech.
A USA Today poll released Friday says only one percent of Americans say crime is the nation’s most important problem. Eighteen years ago it was fifty-two percent. The number fell because the U.S. economy has gotten so bad that people no longer consider stealing a crime.
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu warned the U.N. that Iran would have a nuclear bomb by next summer. He held up a cartoon bomb to explain the crisis in the simplest possible terms. Apparently the Mossad got ahold of the president’s transcripts at Columbia.
Mitt Romney will debate President Obama in Denver in the first of three presidential debates tonight. It’s must-see viewing. They will fight it out for three debates and allow Americans to decide which Harvard graduate is the most relatable to everyday folks.
President Obama had practice debates in Las Vegas Monday prepping for tonight. He hasn’t faced tough questions in nearly four years. His press conferences are like worship services and every time a reporter expresses a doubt, the president ex-communicates him.
Denver University hosted a presidential debate Wednesday night that lasted ninety minutes. Afterwards President Obama got back to his Denver hotel room at precisely nine-forty-five Mountain Time. He knew it because Mitt Romney had just cleaned his clock.
Mitt Romney knocked Barack Obama around the ring for ninety minutes Wednesday in a slaughter of a debate. Democrats were infuriated. It was such a one-sided beating that the next day Mitt Romney was named an honorary member of the Los Angeles Police Department.
President Obama and Mitt Romney had days of practice for the Denver debate. They both worked hard. Mitt Romney rehearsed with GOP Senator Rob Portman playing Obama, and President Obama shot three episodes of The Haney Project for the Golf Channel.
The Daily Caller unearthed a five-year-old clip of Barack Obama race-baiting a black crowd. The tape shows him speaking in a heavy, old-fashioned black Southern dialect. We all know he was raised in Hawaii but it’s news that he was owned by a sugar plantation.
Chinese hackers broke into the White House main computer Friday and the FBI was alerted to find out who the hackers are. There are no suspects. They don’t know of anyone who wants to find out the secrets of maintaining high unemployment and low approval ratings.
— Argus Hamilton
According to a photo sent back from the Mars rover, there was once a large stream of flowing water on the surface of Mars, thousands of years ago. But now it’s completely dried up. Today, Al Gore blamed it on “Martian warming.”
The man who made that film mocking Islam has been arrested. I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I mean, if they start arresting everybody in this town who made a bad film, Hollywood is dead.
According to people who are supposed to know these things, we’re now entering a worldwide shortage of bacon and pork. Finally, a crisis Al Gore will find even more troubling than global warming.
At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, “The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.” Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.
The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.
They’re saying close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn’t tune in was President Obama.
President Obama talked last night about finding other sources of energy for the future. Other sources? He couldn’t muster up enough energy for the 90-minute debate!
To make matters worse, last night was President Obama’s wedding anniversary. Let me tell you something. The only way his anniversary could’ve been worse is if he’d forgotten it.
Michelle Obama won Family Circle’s bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn’t she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She’s contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.
– Craig Ferguson
Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on “Jersey Shore,” not both.
You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.
Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night.
The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife’s friends at a dinner party.
– Jimmy Kimmel
At one point last night, President Obama said the one thing about being president is learning to say no. Especially when someone asks, “Do you feel ready for this debate?”
For tomorrow’s debate, President Obama’s advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are “bin Laden” and “dead.” That’s it.
Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.
With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They’re asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, “Way ahead of you. Don’t worry about that.”
A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for “Dancing With the Stars.”
Last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn’t show up for the event — Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.
It was not a good night for the president. In fact, the president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night’s debate. Even Gary Busey was like, “Dude, you’ve got to focus.”
– Jimmy Fallon