This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:
In Case You Missed It Dept.:
During an interview with MSNBC, President Obama said there are moments as President “where you really do put politics aside”. Like when putting for par, for example.
America fell to 7th on the list of the world’s most competitive economies. It was #2 in 2009. Expect Obama to declare “our competitiveness ranking has more than tripled”.
During an interview on Fox News, Mitt Romney said the Obama campaign “can’t paper over the record of the last 4 years”. No, but they will try to give it a good whitewashing.
During a campaign stop in Ohio, Vice President Joe Biden dared the press, “fact check me”. Might help if the press could recognize a fact when they saw one.
A new report shows that the Democrat Convention in Charlotte ran $15 million over budget. Unbelievable. The Democrats had a budget for something?
In Iowa, President Obama said he wants government to “help people by giving them a ladder up.” Yup, right after he takes it out of their neighbor’s garage.
In Rhode Island, a woman has trained her cockatoo to spew expletives at her ex living next door. Guess HBO has a back-up now if anything happens to Bill Maher.
President Obama’s stated goal of having a million electric cars on the road by 2015 is now… 3% complete. To be fair, it’s a lot higher if you count the ones still burning in garages.
A new report shows that the US tax code is now 4 times longer than the complete works of Shakespeare. Beware the Ides of April.
A new report shows that 79% of Chicago 8th graders are “not proficient in reading.” No wonder these teachers are demanding a raise. 79% isn’t an F.
A racy fundraiser for President Obama in Manhattan called “GoGo for Obama” featured male dancers collecting tips. Good to know Anthony Weiner’s still keeping busy.
The US State Department issued an advisory for Americans not to travel to Egypt. If you need someone to tell you that, maybe you shouldn’t go outside your home by yourself, anyway.
In an effort to spur economic growth, Britain’s government says it will scrap hundreds of regulations affecting businesses. Sounds like the Brits are having a little Tea Party with their tea.
— Fred Thompson
Bill Clinton appeared jaunty Friday, telling reporters he is ready to campaign in Ohio and Florida for the Democrats. Everyone’s happy to see how well he’s doing in his personal recovery program. He has now gone twelve years without anybody telling on him.
Mitt Romney said Friday the Democratic Convention was a party but the U.S. jobs report was the hangover. And this is a guy who knows hangovers. How many times on the road has Mitt Romney awakened some mornings wishing he hadn’t drunk that last Diet Cherry Coke before falling asleep and didn’t have to explain the red stain to the maid.
The Labor Department reported lower unemployment Friday when three hundred thousand people gave up job-hunting. It may result in a second stimulus package. The first stimulus package brought rigor to the economy, unfortunately it also brought mortis.
Beverly Hills was hit by a second earthquake in one week Friday when a three-point temblor struck. It won’t affect the campaign. The Secret Service will still allow President Obama to attend fundraising dinners at George Clooney’s, but he has to sit under the door.
President Obama enjoyed a five-point bounce in the Gallup Poll after the Democratic Convention. They deployed a brilliant message. Democrats convinced TV viewers that qualifying for food stamps is a sign that you’re better off now than you were four years ago.
GM discontinued selling the Chevy Volt Sunday, saying it costs fifty thousand dollars more to make than the selling price. It’s not the end of the cost for the taxpayers. Every Chevy Volt that’s retired gets a two hundred thousand dollar a year government pension.
Chicago public schoolteachers went on strike against the city Monday over issues of pay, benefits and teacher evaluations. They don’t know who to blame it on. There hasn’t been a Republican in Chicago since Abraham Lincoln once passed through there on a train.
Mitt Romney’s campaign ran ads of Bill Clinton praising Mitt Romney Monday while Democrats ran video clips of Bill Clinton praising Barack Obama. You have to feel for Bill Clinton. He began his political career in an era before cell phone cameras recorded everything you say.
President Obama campaigned in sports bars in Iowa and Florida Monday and clearly enjoyed it. It’s no advantage. Barack Obama knows all about your favorite football team but Mitt Romney can buy your favorite football team and keep it from moving to Los Angeles.
The FBI spent one billion dollars on a new facial recognition system that can identify U.S. citizens on security video in public places. It breeds a distrust of government. This is why every Barack Obama joke begins the exact same way, by looking over your shoulder.
President Obama refused a request from Israel leader Benjamin Netanyahu to meet with him when they’re at the U.N. next week. It’s obvious why. If President Obama meets with Israel’s leader at the United Nations, his car will get keyed in the parking lot.
President Obama spoke at the White House Wednesday to denounce the attacks on U.S. embassies. The president was resolute. He added a statement saying it’s unacceptable to insult anyone’s religion unless it refuses to pay for free birth control for its employees.
President Obama’s speech in Las Vegas Wednesday had to be moved from an outdoor twenty-thousand-seat arena into a smaller room. It’s humbling. The same thing just happened to him in Charlotte, only this time the crowd gets to play Keno during the show.
Mexican sewage pipes ruptured into the ocean in Tijuana Tuesday. Tons of the raw sewage floated up to San Diego beaches. President Obama had to be forcibly stopped from issuing an executive order granting the sewage a two-year stay in the United States
— Argus Hamilton
Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, “Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!”
The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.
In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida’s number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.
Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don’t know if that’s wise. It’s not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers.
Earlier tonight was a battle of music competition shows. NBC had “The Voice” and Fox had the season premiere of Simon Cowell’s “The X Factor.” Two very similar shows at the same time. There hasn’t been a match-up like this since last month when the political conventions were on against “Honey Boo Boo.” Simon is angrier than Clint Eastwood with an empty chair.
– Craig Ferguson
Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won’t reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn’t believe it. They were like, “At least do the honorable thing and lie.”
Yesterday in Nevada, President Obama said he’ll win the election if the turnout is anything like it was in 2008. While voters said he’d win if he were anything like he was in 2008.
– Jimmy Fallon