Today’s Toons 9/10/12

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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

China’s state-controlled media lashed out at Mitt Romney, warning that his policies would poison US-China relations. Yes, imagine how awkward that first meeting will be when Romney refuses to bow.

A Democrat PAC is paying people to stake out Republican campaigns, looking for dirt. Why? Did the New York Times raise its subscription rate?

Seems that most of the Democrat Convention speakers are members of Congress. Yeah, the deal was that, since so many of them were afraid to show up, those who did got to speak.

A New York City public school has eased its discipline code, and will no longer suspend students for smoking, cutting class, or cursing. Of course, wearing a Romney t-shirt will still get you expelled.

Great Britain is planning a one-time “emergency” tax on the rich. Meanwhile the rich are planning one-way emergency flights out of the country.

A new Gallup poll indicates that Americans rate public schools the worst place to educate children. President Obama said he was “deeply concerned” and vowed to fix the problem by building more of them.

A new book by a Navy SEAL describes Joe Biden as being like a “drunken uncle at Christmas dinner.” Well, except a drunken uncle will eventually sober up & start talking sense.

In an interview with Parade Magazine, President Obama said Republican voters “often agree with me.” Sure, like that time he said “shovel-ready was not as shovel-ready as we expected.”

A strange little video they played at the Democrat Convention contained the line: “government’s the only thing we all belong to.” I’m sure it sounded better in the original Chinese.

After a campaign rally crowd booed at the mention of Mitt Romney, President Obama said, “Don’t boo, vote!” Ironically, you KNOW all those booers in that crowd had to show an ID to attend the event.

A new GOP commercial shows Obama using the exact same words in 2012 speeches that he used in 2008. With that much recycling, maybe “presidential speechwriter” should count as a green job.

Critics of Obama’s DNC speech say he didn’t talk about his second term agenda. How can he talk about a second term agenda when he won’t even talk about his first term agenda, stimulus or Obamacare?

— Fred Thompson

Mitt Romney sent the GOP Convention goers home roaring Thursday and ready to do battle with Barack Obama and the Democrats. It may all come down the independent vote. Webster’s Dictionary defines an independent as a Republican who’s in show business.

Mitt Romney accepted the GOP nomination Thursday before a roaring and cheering crowd of delegates in Tampa as the balloons came down. These things aren’t as much fun as they used to be. Every time a balloon popped, housing prices dropped another one percent.

The Democratic Convention begins in Charlotte Monday with dimming prospects for success this fall. Polls show the party must deal with the need to improve America’s business climate. The economy is so awful that even Bill and Hillary are traveling together.

Yahoo’s Washington editor David Chalian was fired for saying Republicans enjoyed partying in Tampa while black people were drowning in New Orleans. Don’t feel badly for him. ABC and CNN were in a bidding war for him before his resume came out of the printer.

Barack Obama said Thursday he did not do a good job selling the stimulus package. The money was used to raise government salaries and give child tax credits to illegal aliens. He shouldn’t feel bad, Bill Clinton couldn’t sell this even if he bit through his lower lip entirely.

Democratic Party officials said Wednesday they plan to deploy Bill Clinton onstage and on television up to Election Day. The Democrats say they plan to use Bill Clinton as much as possible. A lot of people try to do that but usually it ends up the other way around.

Bill Clinton will speak at the Democratic National Convention tonight in Charlotte in front of cheering Democrats. TV ratings should be huge. In accordance with equal time rules Clint Eastwood will introduce him and interview an imaginary intern under the chair.

Clint Eastwood began promoting his new movie Trouble with the Curve Monday. It’s a comedy. Last night Clint had a sit-down dinner for film critics at his home in Carmel and since no one knew which chair the president was sitting in, everybody ate standing up.

California Democratic Party chairman John Burton spoke at a Charlotte breakfast on Monday and compared Paul Ryan to Josef Goebbels. He was beaming. It’s an honor at any Democratic Convention to be asked by the party to throw out the first Nazi accusation.

Florida police arrested an armed robber who held up a McDonald’s Friday wearing a President Obama mask. He played the role to the hilt. The security cameras showed him taking all the money out of the cash register and then giving it to the United Auto Workers.

Mitt Romney pitched a five-step recovery plan to voters Saturday. He vowed it will get the federal budget out of the red and into the black. Democrats grudgingly gave him credit for reaching out and including Indians and African-Americans in his budget metaphors.

Bill Clinton received a thunderous ovation from the Democratic delegates last night at the Democratic Convention in Charlotte. His appearance signified a lot. It was the second consecutive night that the Democrats highlighted just how much they love women.

President Obama is scheduled to give his convention speech at the Bank of America Stadium tonight. However they may move it indoors. The weather forecast says that they could only get rid of half the tickets and the stadium’s going to look bad on television.

President Obama will address the Democratic Convention tonight in Charlotte. His speech will argue that Americans are better off today than they were four years ago. It’s always a smart idea to start your speech with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.

The Democratic Convention vendors raised money in Charlotte selling t-shirts with President Obama’s birth certificate on it. The artwork is great. It’s an exact copy of the birth certificate that Barack Obama produced last year, right down to the signature of the physician, Dr. Kinko.

The Democratic Convention got underway in Charlotte Tuesday with security tight at the doors. You have to show a photo ID three times to get into the convention. This is why half the California delegation had to return to their home country for their papers.

President Obama received the endorsement of the National Organization to Reform Marijuana laws Monday. It’s a national group in favor of legalizing the growth and possession and smoking of marijuana. They say Obama is a better choice than John McCain.

The White House released President Obama’s home beer brewing recipe on Tuesday which the president makes, drinks and serves to his guests. The economy is so bad the president can’t afford to buy beer at the store. Even Obama’s not doing well under Obama.

President Obama’s address was moved indoors to the convention hall from Panthers Stadium. It was a weather decision. There’d been a twenty-percent chance of lightning, but when Democrats took God out of the platform, it moved up to an eighty percent chance.

Bill Clinton nominated Barack Obama for president during his speech Wednesday. It was a delicate task. The speech had to be good enough to let Barack Obama think he was trying but not good enough to cost him any speaking engagements.

The Democratic Convention on Tuesday featured women who told how their lives were improved by Obama’s economic policy. It’s true he’s helped to bring American families closer together. In the last four years, millions of them have moved into studio apartments.

San Antonio’s young Mayor Julian Castro gave an inspiring speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday. It benefitted both parties. The Democrats got a new star and the Republicans got video footage of twelve thousand Democrats chanting the name of Castro.

Democratic Convention delegates reported after waking up Tuesday that nine convention hotels in Charlotte were infested with bedbugs. These bedbugs must be killed. They heard everything the lobbyists and lawmakers said while they were in bed together.

President Obama’s convention speech was moved inside Thursday due to the threat of bad weather. There was zero percent of rain in the forecast. If you want to know why pro athletes get paid so much money it’s because it’s not all that easy to fill a stadium.

Bill Clinton brought down the house with his speech at the Democratic convention in Charlotte Wednesday. It was like old times seeing him back in action. After the speech he went into the bar and asked for the usual, and the waitress gave him a restraining order.

Barack Obama walked onstage to thank Bill Clinton after his barn-burning speech Wednesday. As they walked off together, someone up front shouted how nice it was to have God back on the platform. They both spun around and said that it was nice to be back.

Tom Brokaw was hospitalized after feeling light-headed during an MSNBC interview Thursday. He’s okay. He had appeared on Fox News eight hours before and you can’t switch from Fox News to MSNBC that quickly without wearing a pressurized oxygen mask.

FAA official John Hickey was busted for warning FAA air traffic safety workers that if they don’t vote for President Obama they’ll lose their jobs. Air traffic controllers will just pass the threat down to the airline pilots, who’ll pass it down to airline passengers. By early November, swearing to vote for Barack Obama will be a condition of landing safely.

— Argus Hamilton

The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was “Hope and change.” This year the theme is “Hope you don’t make a change.”

It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.

The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama.

President Obama’s re-election campaign said that this year they’ll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There’s so many foreclosures it’s tough to tell where people live.

They announced today that they are moving President Obama’s speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats.

Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he’s re-elected he’ll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy.

President Obama’s speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years.

— Leno

If you’re a donor to President Obama’s campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden — and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.

Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote.

Tom Cruise is being accused of having the Church of Scientology audition women to be his wife. I don’t know what the problem is. At least someone in this economy is actually still hiring.

– Conan

The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn’t bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day.

Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood’s speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.

– Craig Ferguson

On Saturday the White House released President Obama’s personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That’s how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he’s drinking beer he made in his bathtub.

– Jimmy Kimmel

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